Archive for February, 2008

The Modern World

Hello and welcome to the modern world. As I write this I am 2hours into a 2hour and 25 minute journey to london to see Chris. I’m using my Work laptop and the free Wifi provided by National Express.

In the last 2 hours I have probably looked out of thw indow for about 5 minutes. I have spent the rest of the time surfing the internet and watching Life on Mars. My question to you is… Is that a good thing?

On one hand I have been thoroughly entertained, and have been using free electricity from the socket in the side of the train. On the other hand I have whizzed blissfully unaware past all the countryside of England without so much as a “wow look at that massive flock of starlings” or some such, and I definately havent spoken to any of my fellow passengers.

Is this the ultimate in modern living, or more likely is all this insular technology the reason that society as a whole (at least in the UK and other developed nations) is falling apart?

Serious thought over now… sorry for the interruption.

7 comments February 23rd, 2008

Inky Drinky – A Novel Idea

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrow’s geniuses (using song)

Who are you? Wimbly Wednesday

What’s the Idea? Inky Drinky, the thirst-quenching pigment.

What is it? It’s the only luxury fountain pen fuel that can save your life in a drought.

What does it do? For many years mankind has faced a dilemma. When heading off to trek across an arid desert, travelling with only the items you can carry in your right hand, it makes enormous sense to choose a fountain pen as one of your precious few companions. But what to fill it with? A few drops of life-saving water to stave off dehydration and death? Or an emerald blue ink with which to sketch abstract landscapes depicting your emotions as you stride among the dunes?

Now you don’t have to make that choice any longer! Inky Drinky is the ink you can drink. Charge up your Saharan scribbler with Inky Drinky, in a choice of four alluring hues. Put pen to paper with pride, and in an emergency situation, crack open the ink well and enjoy the refreshing taste of Inky Drinky. Now available in black (liquorice), blue (bilberry), red (roast beef) or green (Salad Niçoise).

So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

7 comments February 21st, 2008

My Rant At Katie Melua

How does she sell records?  She is crap.  All stupid songs about bicycles in China and sailing boats and shit like that.  God, she really grinds my gears.  Johnnie Walker (yes, radical DJ from pirate radio which I remember sadly, it was in the days of black and white wireless) was playing her this morning and he said “Oh, another good song from Katie Melua”.  Is he on drugs?  Clearly his recent brush with bowel cancer has got the better of him.  And she wrote that pile of shite about Mary Pickford as well.  Oh, its really spoiled my day.  

23 comments February 20th, 2008

Auds in the 21st Century

I have an IPod nano and its fab.  I can’t use it properly yet, but I love it.  I am at last hurtling into the 21st century.  I had to buy it as the last time I was on holiday with my friend Susan I only had a Sony Walkman (with tapes) and she made me hide it under a towel she was so embarrassed.  Its got 8 gigabytes and everything and bonny coloured pictures.

10 comments February 19th, 2008

The Exciting Adventures of Chris in the Mighty Metropolis

Here I present the first (and possibly only, who knows) two comics in the thrilling and stupidly-longly-named comic series…

The Exciting Adventures of Chris in the Mighty Metropolis (where Chris is played by a cheese in a top hat)

Exciting adventures 1 Exciting adventures 2

19 comments February 16th, 2008

Silly things kids believe

I was looking on the world web of wonder and found this site which had me laughing…

My mum used to wrap dumplings in tin foil and hide them in the garden before we had stew (yuck) then she used to call me to go hunt the dumplings down, I thought for years they were some kind of creature that lived in the ground that she then boiled and we ate.

I used to have two imaginary friends too, a boy and his dog, called Scargo and Banfa, yeah, cool names or what?! Obviously Russian or something. They lived behind the sofa and my mum had to set the table for them etc.
It’s nice to know I wasn’t so twisted as I thought though from reading what other people believed.

14 comments February 13th, 2008

Silly Bint of the Month: Adele

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if they lead nowhere?

This is the question posed by up-and-coming much-hyped London-based soul-diva-to-be cliché-strewn Silly Bint, Adele, in one of her stupid songs. In it, she is asking a rhetorical question to do with some sort of nonsense about chasing pavements.

You see, I understand that, in this post-Amy Winehouse world, record companies are looking at the success of the drug-addled bint who we spurned and decked last month and are searching for more acts who sound like 60s motown/soul singers. I understand that once you have one thing that is a bit different and very successful, there will soon be many more copying the style.

Adele’s binthood is not based on that fact alone (though believe me, it contributes to it). No, what I object to is the fact that she has to be one of them. Her voice is bad. For gods sake, get some Lemsip down you love, your vocal chords are cracking up and at this rate you’ll lose your voice. That’s not nice to listen to. Her songs all sound like they’ve been factory-produced by a record company too, carefully designed to make that old-style-soul sound and way over-produced. I have had enough of this kind of shite filling the world with its meaningless noise. Chasing pavements? What is that, anyway?

This month I nearly selected Duffy, who is much the same, and who was in the same year as me at university. One of the key things that annoys me about her is that most of the people I went to uni with remember her, and I don’t think I met her. But her voice isn’t as annoying as Adele’s.

Also, why don’t these people have surnames? How are you supposed to look them up in the phone book? Mm, that’ll do for now. And relax.

18 comments February 11th, 2008

Week of the Week IV

Weeks and weeks have gone by since the last Week of the Week, leaving many Week of the Week fans feeling quite weak. So this week I present another historic week as our Week of the Week.

This week’s Week of the Week is 22-28 July 1923.

Sunday 22 July 1923 – Charles Hoff of Norway sets a new pole vault world record of 4.21m.
Monday 23 July 1923 – Michael Melvin dies of chronic nephritis in east St Louis, USA, aged 72 years, 6 months and 11 days.
Tuesday 24 July 1923 – the Treaty of Lausanne is signed, creating modern Turkey.
Wednesday 25 July 1923 – Cathal O’Shannon speaks in the Irish parliament, asking about provision for an Officer of Communications.
Thursday 26 July 1923 – The Observer prints a photograph of “music by wireless”.
Friday 27 July 1923 – Science journal publishes vol. 58 issue 1491, including an article on “Paleontological Finds in Moravia” by A. Hrdlicka.
Saturday 28 July 1923 – Major Thomas Arthur Hughes (son of Patrick Hughes, of course) marries Kathleen Byles.

Of course, there are very few of us who couldn’t have recited those historic events from this unforgettable week off by heart. It is probably one of the best-known weeks ever. 

12 comments February 8th, 2008

Face Hammers – A Novel Idea

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you? Crumbly Chinshanks

What’s the Idea? Introducing the amazing, FaceHammer 3000!

What is it? It’s not just a hammer… It’s a hammer you strap to your face!

What does it do? Have you ever been doing some DIY around the house? I dont know, say putting up a picture. Well picture the scene, you’re holding the nail against the wall with one hand, you’re drinking a pint of sherry with the other… How do you bang in the nail? Easy… FaceHammer 3000. Simply strap the FaceHammer 3000 around your face, stick on some appropriate heavy metal music, and head bang your way to hung picture glory.

So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

33 comments February 5th, 2008

Regale with a tale

One day Circulus Maximus was eating a pork chop with Triangulus Boonicus and the rain started to fall. As it happens there was a cave nearby and the two heroes of maths took shelter. Inside was a bear who was trapped in a cage of logic. Because he couldn’t reason he couldn’t work out how to escape and that was his fate. Seven long years had he been there, unbeknown to the two shapes, surviving on a diet of wind and hair. Circulus looked at the bear and gently stroked him on the head. Seeing the effect that solitary confinement had taken on him he took pity on the bear and threw him an equation of pig. The bear gladly took him up on his offer and demolished the snack without a pause to consider what the question was really asking.

The cries of the bear rattled through the cave all night. By the time morning came Triangulus had had enough and used his spear of subtraction to jimmy the lock of the cage. The animal was free! He promptly ate both Circulus Maximus and Triangulus Boonicus.

Q: What should we learn about this?
A: It’s all about the science, not the maths.

8 comments February 5th, 2008

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