I’m going to be leaving my second-floor penthouse in a few weeks and saving myself a few quid in the process. Here is some stuff that you can have a skeg at.
Think of this as an exclusive advance preview screening, like on a new Batman film, except less exciting and more to do with my flat.
Continue Reading 15 comments July 31st, 2008
Hooray! Today is the birthday of Kevin Head! He has finally reached the age of 24 that so many others before have done. It is a momentous day. I went out and drank five or six pints because of this very occasion. I would have done tonight but obviously I’m at work, I’ll have Reuben and Thursdays are bad.
Here is a sentence I wrote for you:
“Drip drop, pork chop”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s all folks!
19 comments July 31st, 2008
Being a bit of a mad thing, I’ve agreed to do overtime today, making this a six-day week, and then after that, also agreed to make it a double. Technically that means I am on shift from 12 noon today until 7.30am tomorrow. In reality, I don’t need to turn up until 3pm and I’ll be finishing a little bit early.
Because I know that everyone who reads this blog hangs on my every word, I’ll be trying to keep you updated with how I get on. Mm! Excitement!
11.35
My landlord wanted to show some people round my flat so I had to get up at 8am instead of my planned 11 or 12. Hooray. That means I’m awake for seven hours before I even start. Plus it’s incredibly hot down here in the tropical south and I didn’t sleep very well.
I’ve set myself up for a brilliant night at work! Whoooo!
15.10
I’ve just arrived at work and I can’t remember the last time it was this hot. OH MY GOD. I am the sweatiest person I’ve ever met just now. I just printed off my rota and it looks very long. On the other hand, I had time to have a tasty lunch at home, which was quite nice. Every cloud has a silver lining.
20.55
Just had some coffee. I need it for the energy but I fear the comedown which will be in the wee small hours. I’m also strangely cold and sweaty. It was a hot sticky day today, but you’d think that after a good six hours of windowless air conditioning here I’d be used to it now. I’m starting to think I’m ill, or maybe there’s something up with my metabolism. Seeing shapes in front of my eyes. Can hear some strange, unidentifiable music now and then. Could swear there’s someone behind me at times.
01.20
Think I have just been on a train, though I’m not sure whether it was real or not. It was doing little circular rides around the top of the building. After that I abseiled down to the canteen where I had a nice chat with Philip Schofield. It took me ages to work out what didn’t look right about him, and eventually I spotted that instead of a torso, he just had the hot water machine from the staff canteen there, with his arms and legs sellotaped to it.
I had a weird herbal tea thing earlier this evening and I’m starting to wonder if there was something funny in it.
05.10
Fifty minutes to go. I can no longer see anything. Is this Facebook?
14.10
Meant to stop this at the end of the shift, but I’m going to add a line in homage to the absolute bastard who lives on the ground floor of this building. He has chosen today to replace the roof over his kitchen, so when I should have been sleeping soundly after my 24-hour day, instead I was lying awake listening to continuous drilling and hammering. Wanker. He’s still at it now. I plan to go to bed as soon as it starts to get dark, and probably sleep until Thursday, and if he’s still hammering away then I’ll start pouring boiling water over him.
9 comments July 28th, 2008
Now then. I’ve added a clever deeley called Google analytics to our wee site, that tells us, not only, how many people have looked at our site, but also where they are in the world, and if they used a search engine to find us, what they searched for.
Its been on here since last wednesday and below are the things people have searched for and ended up on our glorious page:
1. nigella lawson nipples
2. clever advertising
3. christa ackroyd
4. christmas tree dalek
5. cockall
6. custard beans
7. funny bedtime stories
8. how to spatch cock a chicken
9. jack pinata
10. jam pandas
11. lynda bellingham boobs
12. nigella cook nipples
13. olden day daleks
14. rotissomat
15. stray home bedtime story
16. what does bint mean
10 comments July 22nd, 2008
Shut up. I’m in charge here and I demand the following. Pay some fucking attention.
The deadline for my demands is midnight on Tuesday. If any of the above requests are not met with complete and total compliance I will be forced to take action, possibly by aching tactfully.
Now jump to it!
19 comments July 16th, 2008
Mr. Cockall interviews yesterday’s geniuses (using song)
Who are you? Jumping McYarm
What’s the Idea? Cars.
What is it? An ingenious transportation method
What does it do? It’s the age old problem: “I’m over here and I want to go over there. It’s quite a long way and I’ve just sold my horse to the glue factory” Well, what do you do? I’ll tell you. You hop into your new “car”. These little babies dont even need to rest, just fill ’em up with liquid petroleum and let the controlled explosions effortlessly power you anywhere you’d like to go. Coming soon… The van! For when you want to go over there and take 437lbs of apples with you!
So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s already done!
8 comments July 16th, 2008
In a desperate attempt to make some money in this bitter climate I have reached the lowest of the low. No, not telemarketing (“You know Susan, you would look good in this stunning summer blouse cum tin opener replacement made from unused leeks”). Although I think I would be good at it.
I have been making photocopies of my bottom and pretending that they belong to celebrities. The photocopier at work has never seen as much action! We have, for him, the George Clooney (tight and rugged), the Rowland Rivron (flabby but fun) and the Clint Eastwood (off the scale). For her we have the Angelina Jolie (sexy and soft), the Rosie O’Donnell (tugging at straws) and, ho ho ho, the Amy Winehouse (huge crack).
If anyone wants any signed copies please feel free to request them.
£50.00 + VAT.
34 comments July 8th, 2008