Archive for August, 2009
Since personally speaking to the disgruntled head of the Panda League we have written a song together to convey the anger and distaste everyone is feeling. Music to follow, then a demo baby!
We simply demand our share of the royalties
Because of the amount of ambiguities
This is a fair and civilised request
To reach a solution for all that is best
The WWF should give what is rightfully ours
They can say it with chocolate or say it with flowers
Chorus
But give us the money you bitch
Give us the money, give us the wonga
Make us the big and the rich
We ain’t be lyin’ but you ain’t be tryin’
Unfortunately their attitude isn’t to our taste
The more they talk the more time they waste
With a tck-tck we’ll load up the guns
As we slaughter millions of humans
Within days if our demands
Are not met, so hold up your hands
Chorus
And give us the money you whore
Give us the stash, flash me some cash,
We won’t ask for anything more
Well, maybe some crazy demands like…
Half a kidney, a roll of cotton cheese, two souwesters baked at a hundred degrees, a Chinese needle, a super deluxe army set costs a couple of bucks, a tepid puppy, the Egyptian dance that set back the world a thousand years over night in advance, Dr. Seuss’ pedalo, a broken pencil shark, a seedy window that only opens after dark, a see-through eye patch, custard on the go…
Anything else, well, we’ll let you know.
(Lyrics: Inside DJ Wolfwood’s Bedroom – 2009)
August 27th, 2009
Scientists today have unanimously proved that ugly people and other associated groups are helping to save the environment more than the prettier sides of society.
In a recent survey it has been confirmed that those who may or may not have fell from the ugly tree, hitting all the branches on the way down, use less water, eat less food and don’t go out as much for various reasons. Generally though because they either don’t have any friends or refuse to be seen in public for fear of being covered in old Spam tins and Ready Brek.
Amongst the others who have been given the biggest slap on the back rather than across the face are the dirty, the smelly, the agoraphobics and the tight with money.
“I think it’s great. I’ve been ugly since I was born and I’ve never been congratulated for anything other than wearing a bag on my head,” said James Bonbon, owner of Thrifty Wares.
“For ten years now I’ve refused to wear any sort of deodorant,” advised Jamelia Stuffykins, “not only because I enjoy the sweet smell of my own sweat but because the CFCs were damaging to the environment. We few who follow the strict codes of the Sweataholics, not to be confused with the Sweetaholics, will wear this honour with pride!”
There were a few, however, to point out that while this was all in good taste there were certain aspects that would affect the country’s economy. “Stuff that,” said Eekon P. Wildlicker, “that was probably said by a hot piece of ass, and why should we listen to them anymore?”
Too true Mr Wildlicker.
August 24th, 2009
History will remember this story well.
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Hey Will
Will.i.am: Yeah, what’s going on?
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: I’m writing this song and I was hoping you could help me with the lyrics.
Will.i.am: Of course. Whatcha got?
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Boom Boom… then I draw a blank.
Will.i.am: Right, so it’s Boom Boom and we need to finish it, hmmm.
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: You see my problem?
Will.i.am: Sure do, god, that is a tricky.
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: I’ve been here three days sorting this baby out.
The other one that isn’t Will.i.am: Hey are you guys busy?
Will.i.am: Yeah, got this tricky lyric we’re juggling.
The other one that isn’t Will.i.am: Run it past me, see if I can help.
Will.i.am: Okay, Boom Boom…
The other one that isn’t Will.i.am: Boom Boom…
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Yep.
The other one that isn’t Will.i.am: Wow, I mean if it was summit simple like girl and world then perhaps you’d have a chance but Boom Boom? Never. I’m walking away from that one.
Will.i.am: It’s okay, we understand.
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: I best call some takeaway in, give me a sec.
Will.i.am: No wait! Wait! I think I’ve got it!
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Go on!
Will.i.am: What about Boom Boom… Boom?
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Boom Boom Boom?
Will.i.am: Boom Boom Boom!
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Well it’s shit but it’ll do.
In the end the song went to number one in most countries, apart from Sweden. They must still be bitter about Abba.
August 16th, 2009
Could do with some help here. I know what BEEF is, that’s no problem. It’s delicious.
But I can’t work out what BEEF stands for. Do you know?
August 6th, 2009
Hello children! It’s time for another brilliant list of all the things that are in close proximity to me!
- fancy new VOIP telephone that doesn’t work very well, and requires you to press “OK” after you dial a number or it won’t do anything.
- 330ml bottle of Tesco apple juice (from concentrate), with about 40% of juice remaining.
- thermal non-spill mug with dregs of coffee in it.
- my portable telephone, currently set to vibrate.
- keyboard, manufactured by HP, with silver strip around the function keys.
- large speaker which is hardwired to Network Ringmain Point 22, so if you switch it on you can hear the Afghan Stream as carried by BBC FM relays in Kabul, Mazar and Herat.
- pair of Canford headphones, level limited to -93dBA, with tangled cable.
- lid of my USB pen drive.
- empty plastic cup.
- grey optical mouse with scroll wheel.
- my hands.
I will be delighted to answer your questions on this subject. Please raise your hand if you wish to make an enquiry.
August 5th, 2009
Does anyone remember this? It was at the end of a “serious” discussion how Jack Penate was crowned Silly Bint of the Month back in December 2007. If it was one of you two own up now although I think this cat is an outsider.
I especially liked the description of me being at school and jacking off. What a perv.
62. Dan | September 17th, 2008 at 22:09 Are you being serious? Do you honestly think that Jack Penate is as lowly and terrible as the likes of the Spice Girls and Dido? If so, then you are by far the most closed-minded, idiocratic, non-sensical pleb I have ever had the lack of pleasure meeting. Fair do’s, I respect that different people have different tastes, some people like their indie, other enjoy a bit of hip hop. Bu then there’s you…I’m guessing you sit in your room after school and lock yourself away from the outside world, perhaps masturbating or listening to bands that either time has forgotten or no one has ever heard of. Jack Penate is a new age artist, his lyrics are true to the times and the trials and tribulations of life. Everyone can relate to at least one of his songs, if they say they can’t…they lie! Why the hell would you label such an artist a ‘Bint’? Do you have any idea what a bint is? You really are a clueless young lad/ladette, and your silly little post has enduced this rage! I hope you are proud! Long live Penate!
August 4th, 2009