Archive for February, 2011

Choking My Chandoss

I was walking down the street
She was choking my chandoss
I was drinking in the club
She was choking my chandoss
I was eating my lunch
She was choking my chandoss
We was crusing in my ride
She was choking my chandoss
I was laughing at some pidge
She was choking my chandoss
I was watching Countdown
She was choking my chandoss
I was crossing the road
She was choking my chandoss
I was hit by a jeep
She was choking my chandoss
Bleeding outside Mr. Lynch’s
No-ones choking my chandoss

February 24th, 2011

Logical Dreamscape (8)

I wake up as a member of Parliament or at least a Politician, because I’m lying in bed fully dressed in a suit with people shouting at me. When I eventually get up to go downstairs I realise there’s something in my hand and when I look it’s the budget for the UK only it’s not in a nice, posh red case it’s some horrible plastic wallet with a reusable zipper at the top. Even this makes me cringe.

Outside there are hundreds of other people in suits, presumably other politicians, cramming into cars. They’re all going somewhere and I’m obliged to follow, but I make up an excuse that I have to go to Jack Fultons before I can attend wherever they’re going. Really my mind keeps wandering back to a beautiful woman I came across the night before and I’m convinced I’ll find her in Fulton. So, leaving them to drive off, I walk down main street and into the shop. It’s closing down and the woman is not there but I do find a fellow politician cooing over some Jaffa-Fakes for 99p. I tell him to get his act together. It’s then I decide I don’t want to carry the budget anymore so I hide it behind one of the checkouts. Satisfied with my work we walk out beaming, convinced it is in a safe place, and then I cack my pants when I notice there is a cleaner still in Fultons and that she could steal my magical document.

It’s too late for that though. The beautiful woman is nowhere to be seen, I could have lost a very important document and unwillingly I am bundled off in a 4 x 4 to some unknown destination.

February 23rd, 2011

How Business Cards Should Be Done

February 18th, 2011

You Gotta Be (Helping Me Out)

This month Des’ree turns her attention to another lost and lusty soul. Who’s turn is it you ask? Or maybe you didn’t ask. Quite frankly if you didn’t then we don’t care for your sort.

Desmond Deptford of the Roving Panthers would like a little help with this semi-autobiographical quandry:

Desmond Deptford: Dear Des’ree, life in the Roving Panthers is one full of excitement and wonder. A few days ago I discovered that the capital of Belgium is Belgium. You can imagine how long we laughed about that. Recently though the afternoons have become a little timid. We party all night and then sulk around in the mornings but just after lunchtime things go a little too niche for my liking. I’ve taken to eating Yumyums and watching Loose Women. Does this mean that I am approaching middle age because I quite enjoy the mix of topical female banter with twisted sugary pastries.

Des’ree: Life, oh life, oh life, oh life.

We are glad we could help Mr Deptford.

If you need your personal life pushing into other people’s lives then please contact us on the details below.

P.S. The capital of Belgium is Berlusconi, everyone knows that.

February 17th, 2011

Less Popular Fairytales – The Magic Jogging Pants

Once upon a time there was a man named Steve. He lived a fairly regular life full of routine and things to do. He worked in an office from 9am until 5pm, which was customary in those days, and enjoyed healthy sexual relations with many women he encountered in the workplace and on nights out.

One day Steve was putting away some washing when he noticed a pair of jogging pants he didn’t recognise. They were grey and ugly but as it was Sunday and nobody does anything Sunday he put them on and went through into his living room. Steve decided that he was going to watch his favourite film – Mannequin starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Catteral. Then if he felt really adventurous he would also go for Splash Too and something starring Jennifer Aniston (he has an awful taste in films).

When Steven open the DVD box though he shrieked in horror; the disc was scratched beyond all recognition! When had it happened? Last week when the shelf broke and all the DVDs fell down? Was it during the Halloween party where two out of three people had broken something in his flat? It didn’t matter, all that did matter was that watching Mannequin today was completely out of the question. With his head in his hands Steve felt low. In what he believed to be a pointless endeavour he wiped the disc over his jogging pants to somehow help. He lifted the disc up and there it was; his reflection starring back at an unscratched clean surface. Through his tears he couldn’t believe his eyes. He rubbed his eyes in an unconvincing manner and checked again; there was no doubt about it, the marks were gone. Steve jumped in the air and whooped with joy.

That afternoon was the most rewarding afternoon Steve had ever had. With every graze, mark and scratch he would wipe the media on his jogging pants and they would come up sparkling. Steve even found it worked on CDs, his television and the toaster too. Unfortunately because he wasn’t the brightest of fellows this was as far as it went. Had he taken the time to look into this phenomena more he would have discovered the magic healing qualities of the jogging pants including the ability to stitch bones, remove infection and un-break necks.

Tragic.

In the end he threw them out and they were eaten by a donkey.

2 comments February 14th, 2011

You See Me Right?

You see me. As in me. Right, well here it is. The thing is, is that I know that I want to phone Marshall and catch up and talk about whatever stuff it is that has happened since we last spoke. That’s the thing. The problem is that I don’t. Or if I do, hes busy. So he’ll ring me back, but then I’m busy. So I’ll forget to ring him for a bit, then I’ll call him up and he’s busy. So maybe a few days later he’ll remember to call me back, but the problem there you see is that I’m busy…

Do you SEE where this is going? Nowhere, that’s where. Nowhere fast.

4 comments February 11th, 2011

Newsboost Flume Zoom – CHAPS Failure

There was crisis across the country last night and this morning as it was discovered that the CHAPS process, that’s Clearing House Automated Payment System to you, me and Mrs MaGinty, broke down after an undisclosed billionaire tried to transfer all of his fortune into a Halifax Instant Savers account.

The account, which does not allow more than £3,000.00 overall, was flattened, squished and destroyed as an army of coins and notes chose to enter into open conflict. This occured at 4.45pm GMT yesterday afternoon. Immediately the problem spread to the rest of the banking system as phone operators at emergency services were inundated by call after call from nervous tellers and staff warning that all the money was spilling into the street. To make matters worse, in what can only be described as utterly bizarre, not only did the CHAPS collapse but the chaps collapsed.

Reports are coming in from various Southern states of the US that cowboys were dropping their trousers at an alarming rate shortly after 5pm. It was only when Florence Feedbank, a beautiful scientist from Bath, put two and two together that everyone else in the world went, “ahhhh!” and went back to whatever they were doing.

At the time of press we believe the CHAPS and chaps are all back to normal.

4 comments February 10th, 2011

It’s the Me

Hello.

February, I said to myself. February is the time to get involvulised again. The time to re-relationate yourself with Da Beans. To do some contributioning. So here I am. They say you should write about what you know, and what I know are the THINGS I see around me on the desk.

  • Bendy desk lamp
  • Birthday present for someone whose birthday was in mid-January
  • Pen shaped like a dinosaur on which messages can be recorded, and which if you press the button now, has Kev’s voice saying “rar”
  • Post-it note reminding me to buy cake tickets

There will be more later, when I know more, and thus I am able to write about more of what I know, when there is more of it.

More.

10 comments February 3rd, 2011

This is not a vanity project

 

                                          FACE!

4 comments February 2nd, 2011

February is Scary

I haven’t done much recently. I’ve been sat around looking fat, being fat and seeing fat. I heard fat a few times too. What I need is a project to occupy my time and due to the absence of money, funds and general wealth I will unfortunately be forced to improvise. I did consider a few things, and I forgot them and then I got worried.

There are a number of professions in the world that either are dying out for lack of interest or get the piss taken out of them because they’re dull and stuck in the past. I wouldn’t mind one of these jobs because I’m sure I wasn’t made for sitting in an office all day every day (at least I think that’s the case). I would happily make barrels or sweep the floors or do little dances for pennies. What are these missing though? Yes, that’s right; a bit of sex.

I could organise some sexy girls and then visit places to advertise these amazing jobs with the aid of tantalising visuals and seductive imagery. Everything looks better with my face next to it. FACT.

So I’m pulling on my least-smelly clothes and doing a tour, although now it occurs to me that in order to get the sexy girls to advertise the jobs I will need to recruit the sexy girls which will in turn need its own campaign to get them. But how do you recruit sexy girls? More sexy girls? And how do I recruit those sexy girls? Carrots on string?

I think I’m gonna have to sit down and do some numbers.

February 1st, 2011


Something random

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