Ian’s S*x P*rn Dalek Marshall Dream

December 17th, 2007

(it’s not as interesting as it sounds, but it’s as weird as the Rachel Stevens dream)

So I’m walking past Glebelands field during the daytime (even though I live a hundred miles away now) and I noticed a Dalek running across the grass. Curious and when I look a bit closer I can see that he is putting up a huge tent. When this has reached full peak I go inside the tent and notice that the Daleks are selling porn; not Dalek porn but actual human porn. I browse briefly but realise I’m getting those looks from the ones behind the counter, sort of, “buy it or put it down idiot”, so I leave quickly before any tongues start a-wagging.

Later on I’m at me mam’s house and I hear a knock on the door. I open it and right at the end of the path I see an envelope leaning against the gate. This isn’t enough to interest me so I close the door, only to hear another knock. Upon opening it a second time the envelope has gone but I can see Marshall’s head sticking out from the wall to my left. This still isn’t enough to interest me so I close the door and hear a third knock. All that’s left is a small plastic box with a present inside and a futuristic device of holding information. I can’t remember what it looked like but I put the film on and it was sort of a video diary from Marshall about how he chose his Christmas presents and wrote his cards out… but in the style of ‘The Wonder Years’ where you hear his thoughts rather than speaking.

Then I woke up and there was a text from Marshall waiting on my phone. That put the sh*ts up me I can tell you.

Entry Filed under: Chris,Ian,Think about it,Tragic


  • 1. Auds  |  December 17th, 2007 at 09:04

    Sounds scarier than that dodgy Japanese film we were watching last night.

  • 2. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 17th, 2007 at 12:32

    Ju-on 2 is pretty creepy. Mine was more warm and fuzzy. I didn’t feel threatened at all, not by the p*rn or the daleks, and in fact I think I laughted at the quality of it.

    The p*rn not the daleks.

  • 3. Auds  |  December 17th, 2007 at 13:04

    I can relate to warm and fuzzy. I like warm and fuzzy stuff.

  • 4. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 17th, 2007 at 13:26

    Like… Cranford? πŸ˜›

  • 5. Kevil  |  December 17th, 2007 at 15:47

    I like daleks

  • 6. Auds  |  December 17th, 2007 at 16:59

    Well I am really looking forward to the next episode of Cranford, which features some daleks running the post office.

  • 7. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 17th, 2007 at 17:00

    What? No p*rn? Lads mags? Indecent s*x toys? They must be selling something racy.

  • 8. Kevil  |  December 18th, 2007 at 10:32

    what the hell is cranford?

  • 9. Auds  |  December 18th, 2007 at 11:40

    Cranford is a nice genteel Sunday evening serial which was written umpteen years ago by Mrs Gaskell and the stories have been adapted for telly. Its a bit like Heartbeat in olden days but posher coz there are oscar winning actors and actresses in it, and some hot fit young blokes as well. It is not porn, unlike the Tudors, which is watchable for Jonathan Rhys Meyers, as well as being very educational. Talking of hot fit young blokes, Guy of Gisborne in that there Robin Hood, wow, he’s ok. off to have cold shower now, its me hormones you know. The raciest thing to happen was Miss Matty started selling tea from her dining room. And the doctor had 3 women on the go at once, but it was all a misunderstanding.

  • 10. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 18th, 2007 at 11:41

    Kev, I have no idea what it is either, even after reading that

  • 11. Auds  |  December 18th, 2007 at 11:43

    Philistine. stick to your dodgy Japanese films, McIver.

  • 12. katie  |  December 18th, 2007 at 13:29

    Guy of Gisbourne IS hot πŸ™‚

    Robin’s nicer though

  • 13. Auds  |  December 18th, 2007 at 13:49

    Guy of Gisborne got married to Dawn French in the Vicar of Dibley. Lucky bitch. Not sure about Robin, he has a boyband look about him. But hey, I even get the hots for the Sheriff of Nottingham

  • 14. katie  |  December 18th, 2007 at 14:38

    That’s a bit wrong.. but I fancy Gordon Ramsay so I can’t really comment on wrongness! πŸ™‚

  • 15. Auds  |  December 18th, 2007 at 15:42

    Oh honey, I am Queen of Wrong! If a man is unsuitable, I’m there! However, I would be seriously worried if you said Antony Worrall Thompson – Gordon is OK, bit of a weatherbeaten look but hey, he can cook, and any man who can cook is OK by me.

    I would put a little smiley face in now but I don’t know how to.

  • 16. katie  |  December 18th, 2007 at 16:52

    haha.. nah anthony worrall thompson looks like a squashed kumquat.

    smiley face is done thus:

    one of these :

    then one of these )

    put em together, you get this πŸ™‚

  • 17. Auds  |  December 18th, 2007 at 17:03


  • 18. Auds  |  December 18th, 2007 at 17:03

    it not working

  • 19. Auds  |  December 18th, 2007 at 17:04


  • 20. Auds  |  December 18th, 2007 at 17:04

    the tinselly beef is buggered.

  • 21. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 19th, 2007 at 07:09

    You see that? That’s karma

    Probably for the thing regarding Cranford πŸ˜›

  • 22. Auds  |  December 19th, 2007 at 09:30

    how dare you diss Cranford. You deliberately gave me duff information in order that I may cock up doing little smiley face. I think you have hidden my Christmas No 1s CD and my Phil Spector Christmas Album in order that I may not play them. I fear my little talking reindeer may be the next to depart. I can see you holding him hostage and sending ransom notes, Dr Evil.

  • 23. katie  |  December 19th, 2007 at 09:48

    Auds: It was me that told you how to do this πŸ™‚

    But carry on blaming McIver, it’s much funnier!

    Ian: Give Audrey her festive cd’s back you big Scrooge.

  • 24. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 19th, 2007 at 12:53

    I wouldn’t p*ss on them let alone touch them or take the time to hide them πŸ˜›

    I told you Auds, go get Sufjan Stevens from HMV. That’s some decent Christmas music.

    It’s about about Cranford… that doesn’t have Trevor Eve in you know.

  • 25. katie  |  December 19th, 2007 at 13:10

    Sufjan Stevens is great πŸ™‚ that looks like bad grammar.. but it’s not! πŸ˜€

    There’s nothing wrong with the odd Christmas song, there are some good uns out there.. Stop The Cavalry, Fairytale.. and good ol’ Shaking Stevens..

    I likes a bit o Shakey round the Christmas Tree πŸ™‚

  • 26. katie  |  December 19th, 2007 at 13:11

    wow. Many smileys.. more more you might say.

  • 27. Auds  |  December 19th, 2007 at 14:15

    yes Katie you did tell me how to do the smileys but they wont work on my DD keyboard πŸ™‚

  • 28. Auds  |  December 19th, 2007 at 14:18

    Oh deep and lasting joy – smileys work on my home computer keyboard. πŸ™‚ am so happy.

    I likes a bit of shakey round the tree also.

    πŸ™‚ :} :} πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  • 29. Auds  |  December 19th, 2007 at 14:19

    The beans has opened up my life to a new vista of opportunity

  • 30. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 19th, 2007 at 16:52

    I think you should both get out more πŸ˜›

  • 31. Chris  |  December 19th, 2007 at 20:39

    You don’t log on for a few days and the place gets taken over by a couple of women talking about smiley faces. This place is going to the dogs.

  • 32. Kevil  |  December 20th, 2007 at 11:25

    The lunatics have taken over the asylum. Oh hang on, we’re the lunatics and its our asylum, so what are they? My face hurts.

  • 33. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 20th, 2007 at 12:30

    The lunatics at the asylum have been invaded by visitors talking about smilies.

  • 34. Chris  |  December 20th, 2007 at 16:35

    Visiting hours are over! Out, visitors, it’s medication time!

  • 35. Auds  |  December 21st, 2007 at 13:27

    I can tell when I’m not wanted. I shall get my cheese grater and leave.

  • 36. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 21st, 2007 at 16:55

    Did you get in through a window?

    Next time we need a severe lock-down.

  • 37. Chris  |  December 22nd, 2007 at 08:04

    With extra handles! Mr Shipley, place an order for extra handles! Brass ones!

  • 38. Auds  |  December 22nd, 2007 at 10:14

    I will always find a way. Be afraid, be very afraid.

    (Vincent Price type sneery laugh)

  • 39. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 24th, 2007 at 07:05

    You’ve never laughed like that before. Either you’ve turned into Judge Doom from ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ or… you’re the man in black!

    Time for a showdown!

  • 40. Chris  |  December 26th, 2007 at 16:57

    *plays awesome guitar solo to accompany showdown*

  • 41. Kevil  |  December 26th, 2007 at 19:25

    Explodes stuff for a dramatic backdrop…

  • 42. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 27th, 2007 at 08:49

    Come get some

    *thinks he’s Duke Nukem*

  • 43. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  December 28th, 2007 at 08:45

    Although I think I must point out that Audrey is on holiday now and won’t be back until next Friday.

    So the showdown will have to wait. I could always have a shoddown in the meantime. It’s like a showdown but more disappointing.

  • 44. Auds  |  January 6th, 2008 at 17:04

    OK Matey, am ready for ya! Do your worst, however I must point out you now have the Fez of Power to help you in your showdowniness.

  • 45. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  January 7th, 2008 at 08:00

    The Fez of Power is now in my possession and so you are helpless Jermyn. I even took away the camel of commodity, it lies with the smallen one.

    To what do you plan to do now?

  • 46. Auds  |  January 7th, 2008 at 10:49

    I have in my possession the Piaow of (Much) Pain – just you wait until I can fire up that baby, you will be sorry you ever crossed me. You are doomed, McIver, doomed!

  • 47. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver  |  January 7th, 2008 at 17:35

    Well that pretty much ends it. Once you’re in possession of the Piaow, and if you’re on the wrong side, you’re f*cked. It appears as though my chess game has gone topsy-turvy.

    Well done Auds πŸ˜€

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