First Essay – How to waste time (and enjoy doing it)

This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands. I have devised a way of not only seeing the future but reading people’s/bands/tv programmes/words’ personalities through this revolutionary method. I’m sure there’s a special word for it but I can’t as hell remember what it is. And yes I’m well aware that there isn’t a word called ‘Saltfiend’ but I think it sounds good.


It’s Not Too Round, Our Steve Pinched Eric’s Chopper (to) Try It On. Nevermind.

“Clearly Steve is jealous of Eric’s Chopper and the Introspection wants us to know that. There’s always rivalry between brothers.”

Maeve Binchy

Married At Eight, Voles Eating Bottomless Ice-cream. Now Children Hate Yorkies.

“Dear old Maeve, obviously between writing books she’s started spreading malicious rumours about Yorkies when they are in fact only around 300 calories. The chocolate bar, not the Queen’s dogs. Perhaps she does this because of her rough childhood, getting hitched before she hit double figures and… something about voles. Never got any ice cream. Bless.”

Nerina Pallot

Nice, Eager Ricecakes In Needy Aircraft. Perfect Alloys, Leaking Llamas Over Tradex.

“I don’t like her and her stupid protest song. What are we fighting for? So they don’t come over here in their needy aircrafts and spread Llamas over one of the North’s greatest assets i.e. Tradex. Obviously she is a contradition being that she says one thing but her name suggests otherwise. Plus her face is bent”

Hot Hot Heat

Hear Oily Teeth, Heated Ovaries Talk. Horrible Earthworm Attacks Trumpton.

“Trumpton is under attack! Hot Hot Heat want us to know this so we can band together and save the villagers. Is that the one with Windy Miller? Or was that that Green place? Who knows. There must be Quaker Oats involved somewhere. Don’t get too hot ladies, those ovaries have a habit of swearing like hotcakes!”


Hardly Erect, Rather Awkward Chuck Yeager.

“Chuck Yeager. That’s all you need to know”

James Blunt

Jerky Anal Mermaids Each Seduced By Luckless Ugly Naked Tw*t.

“Speaks for itself really. I would also like to add that he rhymes like a three year old and if he could he would probably sit on his own face.”

On The Buses

Off Now! Turkey Hareem Eavesdrops (on) Burley Urchin Saltfiends Every Sunday.

“I never liked ‘On the Buses’. I think Kev has a mild obsession with it. (KEV: I refute these aligations whole heartedly)Here we see a collection of lady turkeys trying to spoil somebody else’s fun. That guy who was in Last of the Summer Wine who was also in this must be raving. I think I should go now.”