User avatarDesigner diseases

I’m starting a new business venture and this is your chance to get in on the ground floor. Here’s the pitch.

Designer diseases are going to be the next big thing. Here’s how it works: influencers are everywhere now, filling up Instagram with their poses and getting lots of sweet corporate sponsorship on Youtube. What they’re missing is the human angle, something to pull on people’s emotions. Enter the designer disease.

We will offer a full 360-degree customised bespoke personal consulting service where we will offer a choice of designer diseases and infect the influencer with their choice of ailment. We then provide the tools and resources for the influencer to splash their horrible illness all over the ‘gram, soak up the sympathy and massively up their likes.

Already, Kendal Jenner (is that one of them?) has signed up for a package we’re calling “The ‘Roids”: painful hemhorroids form a distinctive grape-like package that’s visible through lycra and gymwear. We suggest using pile cream as a stylish but challenging form of face paint.

Are you in? I’m going to need $15,000 for a 5% stake. This is going to be huge.

23 comments to Designer diseases

  • Kendal what now?

    I like this idea, it’s definitely got bells on it. I don’t think I am going to be able to match the stake price. Is there something more affordable for the more frugal of investors?

  • I think it’s Kendal. He or she is named after somewhere in the lake district. Maybe it’s Penrith. Penrith Jenner. Or Cockermouth.

    I think we can work a sliding scale. I can do you $15 for a 0.005% stake.

  • Cocker who?

    Hmmm, fifteen bucks for a 0.005% stake. How much weight do I have when giving opinions and making decisions about the company?

  • Cockermouth Jenner. One of the biggest influencers on the ‘gram. He/she wears those fancy clothes that everyone copies.

    A 0.005% stake wouldn’t get you much. Imagine, for comparison, a 0.005 gram steak. Imagine how substantial a meal that would make. That should give you the picture.

  • He/she sounds repulsive. Never mention them again in my presence.

    That steak does not sound appetising. Can I have more for less?

  • That’s not how commerce works. You have much to learn. I don’t think you are a promising business partner.

  • Do you know what I like?


    By giving me less things, I have less things. Give me more things.

  • How much say in this future disaster can I have for £8, four pairs of odd gloves and and old trilby hat?

  • Is a duck wearing the hat? If so, that will increase the chances of having a higher thing of things.

  • Ian: there is no duck. Your misguided duck question has laid bare your lack of business acumen for all to see. There will be no things for you.

    Kev: that will get you a 0.01% stake, which will be medium rare.

  • And to think I almost invested all my money in loom bands. I’ll have you know I am good at the business and I will one day have all the business.

  • Well, this is an absolute rollercoaster. Your duck question made me absolutely sure you had no business instinct at all, but now? With this bold statement that you’re “good at the business”? Well, now I don’t know what to think. You sound like a genuine businesschap.

  • I am sweating out business like there’s no other word in the dictionary. I’m selecting the letters out with Rachel Riley and I’m picking up an eight letter score.

  • Ha! Now I see through this sham. You’re no businesschap. You’re a fraud, sweating heavily next to a stolen cardboard cut-out of Rachel Riley. Disgusting.

  • Oh, there we go. Yeah I’m not good at business. Now it all makes sense, although I should probably go back and amend that previous comment in the other post.

    I do sweat heavily and I would sweat buckets next to a cardboard cut-out of Rachel Riley. I love paper compressed (?) into more durable materials. It gets my pulse racing.

  • Do you like laminating? I love laminating. If you like compressing paper (?) into more durable materials, you’re going to love laminating.

  • I have been known to laminate in my darker moments. I do like compressing paper (?) and you will often see me at Laminating Weekends Away, waving around sheets of plastic like they’re dollar bills.

  • No, that’s very contradictory. Either you laminate in your darker moments, or you attend Laminating Weekends Away, waving sheets of plastic around with gay abandon. You can’t have it both ways. Nobody has a darker moment at a Laminating Weekend Away.

  • I have so many dark moments at Laminating Weekends Away. Once I woke up to find that I had laminated the entire contents of a hotel room and had no recollection of the night before.

  • That sounds like an open and shut case of gay abandon right there.



  • That depends. Is it laminated?

  • I imagine a laminated bra to be very uncomfortable. It would be waterproof though, so you’d never need to wash it.

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