User avatarIan’s Otter Answers

Back in mid April I asked the Beans community to answer five simple questions about otters. It was extremely important.

One of our number, Ian “Hotter Otter” McIver, kept stalling until eventually a month later he asked to post his answers to me because “I don’t want anyone else to know”. I told him that if he posted them to me I would post them to the Beans. Kev pointed out that even if they appeared on the Beans there was a decent chance that nobody would look at them.

Ian’s answers have now arrived, handwritten, by post. I am now, therefore, posting them here, but I am doing so in as conspicuous a way as possible in the hope that at least some people will see them.

Here are Ian’s otter answers

How do you feel about otters?

I have always liked otters. They are very cheery and bring a smile to my viso/volto. My brother, John, is also obsessed with otttttttters. He has a weird statue thing outside his front door with three otters, possibly having a tea party (?)

Baby otters?

They’re very cute although they do have “Desperate Dan” chins and could easily be extras in a low budget British gangster film. Cockney otters? Yes please.

How about this otter, specifically?
What a chirpy little lad or lass! That’s the kind of picture you’d put in your bathroom, possibly framed with tiny flowers, and it would make any house guest tilt their head and squint with delight. It should be a famous otter; here, take my money!

Does this otter change how you feel?

No. I still love all the otters. It does scarily resemble the face I pull at work when the phone starts ringing(and when I recognise the number).

How many of these otters would you like? Note that I will fight you for the otters. I want the otters. How bad do you want them? I will fight you. You can’t have them.

I believe that the kind of person who creates a survey about how much they love otters has a love that cannot be beaten, whether physically of (of?) or emotionally. You win, sir. All the otters are yours.

16 comments to Ian’s Otter Answers

  • I am glad that I have followed through with what I said that I would do.

    I am not glad, however, that this charlatan gets away with calling me ‘Sham of a Fib’ yet has blatantly exploited my good nature to squeeze out another post for his own nefarious gains. The swine!

  • All that matters to me is that your chagrin has been suitably chafed by the answers you posted me in secret being outed like this in a very public way, exactly as foretold.

  • You have well and truly chafed my chagrin. It got so chafed that it tried to fly to a nearby town and couldn’t make it. I’ve taken it to a chagrin vet, the best Grinvet in the county, in the hope that it can make a full recovery.

  • Yessssss!

    *fist pump*

  • The Grinvet has said that with a bit of rest, and plenty of fluids, it should be back up on its feet again in about a week.

    My chagrin is sat on the bed at home, wrapped up in a sleeping bag, dreaming of wonderful voles to catch.

  • Wait. What? No. Your chagrin can’t go around catching voles. That is firmly, solidly and flamboyantly against my religion.

  • If he’s going to get his strength back then he’s going to need a fresh supply of food and there’s always a lot of voles running about up here so it only made sense to start feeding them to him.

  • Just because your chagrin is hungry doesn’t mean you need to feed it voles. Chagrins don’t eat voles. They eat… eggs. And brie.

  • Brie and eggs? I don’t have some hoity toity chagrin. He doesn’t sit in a moist doily, squaffing marmalade through a golden straw at two in the afternoon.

    My chagrin is a salt-of-the-earth kind of chagrin. He chews tin foil for fun.

  • Right. Right. In which case he’ll go for brisket and mushy peas.

  • Right. Something we can both agree on. My chagrin will have the brisket and peas. Double portion of jailhouse chips too.

    That’ll be marvellous. Make that two of those, please!

  • Is it a pint of stout for you and a half of mild for the chagrin, as usual?

  • You know, one of the best feelings in the world is having a “regular” and them knowing your order.

    Spesh. Yes please. Mild up that chagrin (what?)

  • I’ll mild your chagrin right up.

    Have you changed the batteries on the flashing stripes, by the way? I didn’t think they’d last this long.

  • I need to pop out t’pound shop when I get a chance, either that or flag down a Home Bargains. They have a habit of getting loose from their foundations and flying into the air.

  • We have a travelling Home Bargains round here. It’s like a travelling library or an ice cream van, except it’s full of mops and cheap shower curtains.

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