User avatarNot Very Good – Food

Now then, let us all consider for a moment the best place to leave your chorizo.

Should you leave it in the fridge to preserve the flavours? Should you leave in the cupboard, in a cool, dry place? Or, and I know this seems a bit unorthodox for some people, how about outside your house, near the kerb?

As a human being, or the closest equivalent that likes stretchy trousers, I do enjoy my food. I want it tasty and I want it now. I also want it to be free from disease, infection and cat’s piss. I can imagine that the artisan who decided to leave the chorizo outside may not have realised this at the time. Yes, you may create a unique combination of flavours but if this is at the expense of the health of the people eating the food then you may want to reconsider.

We could look at this from another angle. Perhaps this isn’t edible chorizo. Perhaps this is a tiny chorizo car and the owner has parked it carefully on the side of the road. If that’s correct then the person is doing cars right and it has nothing to do with food.

I am of the opinion that it is food and it is wrong otherwise this article wouldn’t make any sense (?) I do not want your road meat. I do not want to indulge in your pretentious kerb-surfing, asphalt-touching tubes of protein. Please keep your bizarre attempts at food presentation in your houses where you can eat off the floor as much as you like.

I’m off for a burger.

Next time… Animals!

24 comments to Not Very Good – Food

  • What a strange thing to do with chorizo. Genuine Spanish chorizo is, of course, aged and cured on the hot tarmac of Andalucian country roads, but there’s no need to store it in the same way once it’s washed up on our shores. This is clearly a sad misunderstanding perpetrated by a well-meaning halfwit.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    This was a half-arsed attempt at a try. It is more akin to a fail though. Everyone knows the best place to store chorizo is in a copper crevice.

  • It’s totally a fail. I don’t want anything I said to be taken as denial of failure.

    If a copper crevice is unavailable then a sort of marshmallow igloo is a good alternative, of course.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Very good point. Both points in fact. The marshmallow igloo gives a rich, creaminess to the chorizo. It’s a definite second choice with the artichoke armband a close third.

  • Oh man, creamy chorizo is the best. I don’t know why you’d want to eat it if it hadn’t got the texture of Mr Whippy ice cream.

  • Totally. When I don’t have copper crevices, marshmallows or artichokes to hand, I find storing chorizo in an upturned fireman’s helmet filled with custard works well for both creaminess and texture.

  • The nice thing about that approach is that you also get four to six servings of delicious smoky porky paprika-infused custard to go on your dessert.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I thought that Kevin was quoting the film ‘Airheads’ until I checked the details and they asked for a helmet filled with cottage cheese, not custard.

  • I wasn’t for the following reasons:

    a) I haven’t seen that film
    b) I haven’t heard of that film

  • I don’t see what the film ‘Airheads’ (which I have neither seen nor heard of neither) has to do with soft, creamy chorizo.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Kevin is too busy watching ‘Bula Quo’ to consider any other films.

    Cottage cheese is slightly reminiscent of creamy chorizo. If you tilt your head and squint with delight.

  • I’ve only seen that second Care Bears film. If you want to reel me in (wheeeeey) with film references you’d better start quoting that to me.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    That’s true. The next film you see will mean doom for Steve and anyone else shopping for mattresses downstairs.

    It’d be the worst mattress disaster since the great spring drought implosion of 1912.

  • Just… I mean… what?

  • What exactly will happen to all the mattresses on sale downstairs if I watch another film?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    They would catch fire and wince away into the moonlight. Mattresses catch fire easily, especially when in confined spaces above young professionals.

  • How exactly, and I want specifics, would Chris watching a film that wasn’t Care Bears 2 cause mattresses to cause fire?

    Also, you said “Mattresses catch fire easily, especially when in confined spaces above young professionals.” But the mattresses in question here are clearly below Chris and his young professionalism.

    Is it possible that you are a sham, within a lie with a fib for a door-handle?

  • I think we may be overstating my professionalism and my youth here.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    All very good questions. Let me draw you an explanation (to explain my nonsense).

  • Be assured that we are waiting to see this explanation that you are drawing and that this is not the end of the matter.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Oh you will. Mark my words (with a highlighter).

    Based on previous boasts, and I do do a lot of boasting, and they vary from the insane to the incoherent, I will deliver.

  • I’m not sure you even remember what the question was.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Was it something to do with Sweet Petunia?

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