Recently Ian invited us to try blaming it on the spicy margs. It seemed like a good idea so I had a go.

I am now in a positon to report my results.

Experiment 1

Early last week I needed to go to the supermarket. On arrival I ran straight to the meal deal fridges, barged some other customers out of the way, and started chugging own-brand banana milkshakes one after another, throwing the empty bottles on the floor behind me. When the security guard apprehended me and asked what I was doing I wafted my mouth like I was suffering severe heat burns and told him it was because of the spicy margs.

Result: banned from Sainsbury’s, Water Lane, Farnham. The phrase “spicy margs” not understood by Group 4 security personnel even on the third or fourth time of repeating it.

Experiment 2

On Friday last week I got the train to work without buying a ticket. When the conductor arrived and asked to see my ticket I told him I hadn’t got one. When he asked why not I said it was because of the spicy margs.

Result: £49 penalty fare. Spicy margs not applicable under railway bylaws.

Experiment 3

Two days ago, I went over to the shared kitchen area at work and found a woman making a round of tea for her colleagues. Maintaining eye contact throughout, I pushed all the mugs of tea onto the floor, where some of them smashed and the tea went everywhere. She jumped backwards, since her feet were now covered in very hot tea, catching her skirt on a drawer handle and sustaining some minor damage to her attire. She asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. I told her it was because of the spicy margs.

Result: employment tribunal pending. Union legal representative advises me that spicy margs are not a defence under the terms of my employer’s code of conduct.

Conclusion

Blaming it on the spicy margs is terrible advice. I will not be spending £14.99 on the framed art print that Ian was advertising.