Avatar Pump up the jam (in your face)

Do you like jams?

Do you like plums?

Do you like plummy jams? Then we’ve got the product for you!

‘KEV’S PLUM PRESERVE’ is a brand new treat that you and your family can enjoy all day, every day. We’ve taken the sweet, tempting taste of jam and slathered that (using a spoon) all over the best kind of fruit you can imagine, plums!

Spread it on parsnips, spread it on shepherd’s pie. Spread it on Bird’s Eye Potato Waffles, frozen pineapple chunks or a spicy and fragrant Nepalese Kukhurko Masu curry. You can even spread it on your hands.

Put a party on your tastebuds. Slam your plums on the table. Bring your miserable life to life with ‘KEV’S PLUM PRESERVE’!

(From Kev Inc., a subsidiary of Kevindo Menendez Food Conglomerate Holdings Plc).

Avatar Mortgage statement

Massive Bankers Plc

Mortgage Centre
High Interest House
Cashola Park
Nottingham
NG1 8JU

Dear Mr. Marshall

ANNUAL MORTGAGE STATEMENT

ProductAbsolute Swizz Bankers Rate Fix v9
Mortgage Number1563786454
Property AddressForce It Up Your Richard
Hampshire
Near France

OVERVIEW OF YOUR MORTGAGE FOR THE PERIOD 23 JANUARY 2024 TO 23 JANUARY 2025

Opening balance£205,466.54
Repayment 23 January 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 February 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 March 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 April 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 May 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 June 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 July 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 August 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 September 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 October 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 November 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 December 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Interest charged£7208.44
On Time Repayment Fee£2101.03
BOE Interest Rate Above 3% Penalty£883.97
Monthly Direct Debit Fee£1783.88
Non-Dollar Transaction Surcharge£1326.10
Window Tax£604.14
Massive Bankers Plc Christmas Bonus£2000.00
Remaining balance£205,466.53

If you require help with your mortgage or making repayments, log in to our online banking portal using your customer number, account number, unique password, three letters of your passphrase and a weird plastic calculator thing. Our AI bots are waiting to help you but will never pass you on to a human being.

Yours sincerely,

Ava Pricey-Holme
Chief UK Mortgage Account Executive Officer

Avatar DiJaBringaBeer

I know nothing about the owner of this house.

I know nothing about the owner of this house except that they named their house this.

Imagine coming up with this.

Imagine coming up with it and thinking it was so good, so funny, so enduring in its humour that it wouldn’t just bring you joy and laughter in this one moment where you thought of it, but it would continue to bring you joy and laughter for years to come.

Imagine thinking that it would bring joy and laughter to other people if you stuck it on the front of your house.

Imagine applying to the Royal Mail to change the name of your property. Applying to the council to have it amended in their records. Speaking to people at every bank and utility company who have your details to explain to them, and spell out letter by letter, your brilliant joke, so that it would appear on all the post addressed to you.

Imagine going in to Timpson’s and asking them for a rustic wooden house sign in sustainable pine with bark surround and telling them that this is the word you want them to engrave into it using three-inch-high letters in Chancery Bold Italic.

Imagine that.

Avatar 2025 State of the Beans Address

Good afternoon, and thank you all for joining me once again. Please can I ask that you all turn off the bubble jets on your personal jaccuzis until we reach the end of the Q&A session, since the noise makes it difficult to hear the PA system.

My name is His Holiness The Right Honourable Sergeant-Major Professor Lord Sir Elbert Louche, QC (Retired), KBE (Retired), KVCO. It is my personal privilege to welcome you to this large field on the outskirts of Hull that has been filled with jaccuzis and burger vans for this, the eleventh annual State of the Beans Address.

Read More: 2025 State of the Beans Address »

Avatar Letting the new year in

We are about to find ourselves in 2025, the quarter-way mark of 21st century, a bewildering thought for those of us who still think of the 21st century as some weird new thing and the 20th century as a kind of default.

Since 2025 is going to be rung in nationwide with the traditional combination of drinking, forgetting the words to Auld Lang Syne and feeling like new year never lives up to the hype, it feels like a good moment to look back at the moment, 25 years ago, when we rung in the new millennium.

You join 16-year-old Chris at his aunt and uncle’s house, this being the venue for the family’s new year celebrations at the end of 1999. Most of the family is here, at a big house in a village near Selby. Music is playing, drinks are flowing, and every conceivable surface is creaking under the weight of bowls of nibbles and snacks.

My family has a longstanding tradition – much beloved of my grandma, who is here somewhere, probably on one of the La-Z-Boy recliner chairs in the living room with a glass of Bailey’s – that the new year must be “let in”.

This tradition stipulates that good luck will befall the family for the coming year if the first person to open the door and cross the threshold on the first of January is a tall, dark man bearing symbolic gifts. Should anyone else be the first to open the door and “let the new year in” – a chubby ginger toddler, perhaps, or a fair-haired woman of merely average stature – the year would be beset with problems. My grandma often told a cautionary tale of the year she absent mindedly unlocked the front door and went into the house first, only to find she had let the new year in herself. Nothing went right that year.

For many years my grandad was nominated to let the new year in. He was an imposing figure, a senior policeman over six feet in height with a no-nonsense jawline and black hair. Luck was always on their side when he turned the door handle. But over the years the duties were shared out. Once he had grown up my dad got to do it sometimes, or his brother. At my aunt and uncle’s house my uncle – not easily described as “tall”, but certainly dark haired and a man – would do the honours.

Anyway, the millennium was considered a special event. I was 16, and to my surprise was asked to let in the new year. The news was broken to me in hushed tones, a coming-of-age moment and a sign that I was joining the grown ups.

At about ten to midnight, I put my coat on and was handed the gifts I was to bring in. There was the shiniest coin anyone could find, to bring wealth; a match and a piece of coal, to bring warmth; and some food, to bring food or plenty or something like that. And with my pockets duly stuffed, I stepped out of the door.

Not much was happening outside, so I walked round to the living room window, where I could see everyone inside and could make out the Hootenanny on TV. The cat was sitting on the windowsill so I gave him a scratch under the chin. After a while, the moment arrived, there was much cheering, and inside the house glasses were clinked and hugs were exchanged. In the distance some fireworks started to go off. I then made my way to the front door to let myself and the new year in. It was locked. Nobody had put the Yale lock on the sneck, so when I went out it had locked itself.

I knocked on the door. Nobody was in the kitchen. I rang the bell. Nobody could hear it over the music. I went back to the living room window. Nobody was looking. Eventually, when there was a lull in the music, I banged on the double glazing, someone finally saw me, and there was a stampede to the door as it dawned on the party that one of their number had been standing outside since the previous century.

When the door finally opened, I’m not sure whether it was me or the cat that actually let the new year in. But I can make the claim that, 25 years ago, I saw in the new millennium standing on my own, in a front garden, and holding a match, some coal, a slice of white bread and a 50p piece.

This year I intend, once again, to be safely inside a warm house when the fireworks begin. Having tried the alternative I recommend it. Wherever you are, have a very happy new year. And don’t forget your lump of coal when you step through the front door.

Avatar Do not remove

This sign at work has not been successful in its aims.

Presumably, at some point, another bin will be provided by whoever considers it vitally important that this little-used basement corridor always has a bin available at this precise location. When that happens I suggest they adopt one, some or all of the following suggestions for improved security:

  • Add “on pain of death” to the end of the sign
  • Add a nice positive thumbs up symbol to the sign
  • Have a speaker playing the sign’s message out loud on a loop in case the bin was taken by a blind person
  • Keep the existing wording and layout of the sign, but enlarge it so that it covers the entire wall
  • Use plainer language that low-life thieves will understand, like “get your stinking hands off my bin, you pilfering shitbags”
  • Make multiple versions of the sign and use them to plaster the bin to the wall like papier-mâché
  • Apply camouflage netting to the bin, thus rendering it invisible
  • Put another more desirable bin next to the bin as bait