Author: Chris5156

Avatar Podcast topics

Not so long ago, in one of our booze-fuelled Virtual Winston all nighters, Kev revealed that we are – finally, five years after we last recorded a new podcast episode – reaching the end of the backlog. It turns out that if you only publish one or two a year you can eke them out for a long time.

Anyway, this presents us with an issue. Sooner or later, if we want A Breath of Fresh Beans to continue smashing the podcast charts, we need to record some more, but that’s easier said than done. First, because we’re very much out of practice now, and we’re going to need to put in the hours if we want to attain the levels of highly polished badinage that our listeners expect. And second, because our podcast isn’t about anything at all, so we always struggled to find things to talk about.

What we need is a supply of good podcast topics. And, as the man who accidentally stumbled on the thing that led us to the name of the podcast, I have decided that I’m the one to supply it.

Read More: Podcast topics »

Avatar Herb roundup

For too long the world has been absolutely awash with herbs. Go into a supermarket and there’s half an aisle of little jars of greeny-brown flakes. Nobody has the room to store them all and if you try a new recipe it will inevitably require the purchase of some more which will then sit at the back of a cupboard for the next ten years.

Thankfully salvation is at hand. As part of their wider plans for a “decade of national renewal”, the government have asked me to lead a Herb Taskforce to rationalise the UK herb landscape.

A full report will be published later this year to coincide with the autumn statement, but I’m delighted to announce my preliminary findings here.

  • Basil – nice both fresh and dried. Versatile. Keep it.
  • Bay Leaf – floats in your food while cooking, then has to be removed because it’s inedible. Tastes of nothing. Banned.
  • Bouquet Garni – strange teabag of mystery leaves. Just use some other herbs. Banned.
  • Chervil – universally described as “delicate” which means it doesn’t do much. Just use parsley.
  • Chicory – very bitter. People put it in coffee which is weird. Use of chicory should be punishable by prison time to stamp this out.
  • Chives – these always repeat on me. Get rid of them.
  • Coriander – this is nice. Keep it.
  • Dill – banned.
  • Fenugreek – can’t even pronounce this let alone cook with it. Banned.
  • Herbes de Provence – just use some basil and oregano. Nobody will know the difference. If every region of every European country had its own herb mix we’d be knee deep in the damn things and no better off for it. Provence needs to get back in its box. Banned.
  • Italian Herb Mix – this is just basil and oregano. Use those. Banned.
  • Kaffir Lime Leaf – bay leaves for Asian cooking. Bin it.
  • Marjoram – this is a type of oregano. We don’t need to split hairs, there are more important things going on. Just use oregano instead. Banned.
  • Mint – yes. Keep.
  • Mixed Herbs – this kind of mystery herb mix is a waste of everyone’s time. Use basil and oregano. Any recipe requiring herbs can just use basil and oregano and it’ll be fine. Banned.
  • Oregano – yes. Keep.
  • Parsley – was hoping to ban this but it would leave restaurants without little sprigs of leaves to make food look nice, so keeping it on that basis.
  • Rosemary – I’ve got a good chicken souvlaki recipe that needs rosemary, and it’s nice on roast potatoes. Keep.
  • Sage – gets used in stuffing, I suppose, but will be keeping an eye on this.
  • Tarragon – no.
  • Thyme – no.

The above will become law by the end of this Parliament, so please begin throwing away all your other herbs now to avoid trouble when your cupboards are inspected by the police. Thank you for your attention to this important matter!

Avatar You and Your Northern Orb

So you’ve gone and got yourself an Orb. Congratulations!

There’s no looking back now that your family has grown by one and an Orb is in your midst. And what an Orb it is! Not just any old Orb, but a hardy Northern Orb, the type that is native to the lands north of the River Swale.

Now that your Orb is back home, swaddled in orblankets and making spherical gurgling noises, you are no doubt wondering what life has in store and what you should do next. Well, don’t worry: the Beans has your back. We’re here to help you through these magical, sleepless months of new Orbhood.

The first thing you will notice is that your Northern Orb is not wrapped in cellophane. You will be used to new things – especially ones that are genuinely new, unused and valuable – coming wrapped in cellophane, box-fresh from the factory. Perhaps on first picking up and holding your Orb you felt pangs of sadness, disappointment or even rage at the realisation that your Orb came with no packaging at all. But these feelings, and the lack of protective covering, are entirely normal. Try not to be disconcerted, and avoid trying to peel off any sort of outer film from your Orb, because it hasn’t got one. No. No, seriously. Stop it.

Your next question will be about what Orbs eat. Orbs in general eat all kinds of things, of course, but your Northern Orb has specific dietary needs that you will need to fulfil in order to give it a healthy, happy, globe-shaped life. Soft foods are best to begin with, so start with the filling of a Greggs cheese and bean melt. As your Orb grows, over the next week or two you can start introducing soft pastry – perhaps offer it a Greggs steak bake with the crispier corners cut off. Over time, your Orb will work its way on to Greggs tuna crunch baguettes and sausage rolls. Try to be led by your Orb’s tastes. They’ll tell you when they’re ready for more pastry.

You may also find that your Orb cries a lot. This is to do with their dawning realisation of the futility of existence and the relative brevity of our lifespans in the vastness of the universe. You can comfort them with nursery rhymes and lullabies. To soothe a Northern Orb, you might try singing “Fog on the Tyne” by Lindisfarne, “Big River” by Jimmy Nail or anything by Cheryl Cole.

Your journey with your Northern Orb is only just begininng and we’re excited to accompany you all the way, so we’ll be back with more amazing Orb tips soon. Until then just keep doing the things listed here over and over again and you’ll probably be fine. Good luck!

Avatar Four Word Reviews: Classic Bruce Willis

Here in the Four Word Reviews auditorium, we are used to closing our eyes and listening, carefully and attentively, to two kinds of music. One is the album made in earnest that is unwittingly terrible. The other is the novelty album of knowingly substandard tunes. And then, every now and then, we get something else. Something that isn’t a novelty record, but perhaps isn’t a serious artist making a serious and earnest expression of their art either. Today we’re here to listen to one of those albums. Today we’re listening to “Classic Bruce Willis” by Bruce Willis.

I don’t know what this is.

Read More: Four Word Reviews: Classic Bruce Willis »

Avatar Life hack

Do you sometimes forget things? Do you need to be reminded of them? Do you travel around a lot? Do you need a way of travelling that doesn’t risk leaving your reminders behind?

Here’s a brilliant tip to solve all your problems at once. No more arriving at the supermarket and finding you’ve left your shopping list at home. Your shopping list will come with you if you just turn your car into a blackboard.

I mean, obviously this guy’s just got his mates to draw all over it, and that’s an option too. So that’s three things. Reminders, driving, and doodling with chalk. Three things all in one. You’re welcome.

Avatar County Durham review

Until this summer County Durham was not a place I had ever really been. It sits between Yorkshire, where I have spent literally years of my life, and the rest of the North East, where I have been many times. County Durham was a place I passed through to get between them. Before August, my total experience of County Durham can be summed up like this:

  • Passing through on the A1 between junctions 59 and 64, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the A19 between Sheraton and Seaham, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the train between Darlington and Chester-le-Street, four times.
  • Going to Burger King at Washington Services, which is no longer part of the administrative county but is within the traditional and ceremonial borders of County Durham, twice.

Earlier this month I arrived for a three-day stay (which I am certain counts as a “sojourn”, a term I reserve the right to use again later in this post) to soak up the County Duhamian atmosphere, basing myself in Barnard Castle. I am now ready to present my second ever county review.

Activities

While in County Durham I visited two waterfalls, walked along an extremely picturesque river, saw a ruined abbey, Roman remains, a big chimney in the middle of some woods and a really good castle. I also witnessed an almost overwhelming quantity of scenery while travelling.

I give County Durham four stars for activities.

****

Accommodation

We stayed in a very nice cottage next to the river, with the sound of running water outside at all times, in a way that was nice rather than annoying. It had more bedrooms than we could use, a spiral staircase, a massive designer fridge and two monsoon showers. I didn’t really want to leave and got into an argument when the owner tried to get their keys back.

I give County Durham five stars for accommodation.

*****

Food and drink

I was able to maintain my usual habit of eating three times a day without difficulty, and the food I ate was almost all very good. I had chips on multiple occasions and Big Frank, travelling with me, had sandwiches with a side of gravy two days running. However, we forgot to buy breakfast one day so the next morning we had to have grapes and coffee.

I give County Durham four stars for food.

****

Conclusion

My sojourn to County Durham has earned it a total of thirteen stars. This is one more than Derbyshire, which has held the title of “best county” for three years, and which now moves into second place. As these are the only two counties that have been rated, County Durham is now officially the best county and Derbyshire is simultaneously the second best and also the worst.

Thank you for your time.

Avatar Cabinet saga, part 2

Back in May I offered a tantalising glimpse of my next DIY project, which were a set of custom-made alcove shelves. In the two and a half months that have passed since then, you have probably thought about little else.

It’s not yet time to show you the final result – not when I can wring another post out of this story – but it is time to update you on scribing, a new skill I had to acquire as part of this project that would let me cut pieces very precisely to fit the contours of my old house’s wobbly walls.

Read More: Cabinet saga, part 2 »