Category: Jolly Good

Avatar Q & A with one of the Happy Salad Boys (again)

You’re not seeing things.

We’ve managed to track down another one of those boys to find out what’s going on in his perennial noggin, what’s perplexing his grey matter. Let’s have a sit down and a chat with Drake Fondles!

Name: Drake Fondles

Age: Old enough

What type of boy band member are you: I’m the talent, the songwriter, the visionary, the artist. I write the words to all the songs then hand them to someone else to rewrite and fix to someone else’s music

How many curls: enough to fill a wheelbarrow

I most look like: a dainty flower fixed upon a mountain hilltop in the flurriest of weather but also on a summer’s day

Best celebrity chicken: Florence Chuckles

Chaffinch – controversial?: I’d rather you didn’t bring it up

Pour me a mug of: delicious melodies sprinkled with stardust

Fuzziest television: Uncle Tupperware’s

How “me” are you: I am more you than you ever were, and I can guarantee that. In fact, I’m going to write a song about it right now

Finish this phrase, “Shoulder shrug…”: emotionless mug

Avatar Q & A with one of the Happy Salad Boys

That’s right.

We’ve managed to secure another exclusive and this time it’s a questions mit answers with one of the Happy Salad Boys; Chester Kneesup!

Name: Chester Kneesup

Age: Wa-hey, look at me

What type of boy band member are you: I’m the funny one, the cheeky scamp who gets away with anything

Favourite rocks: the ones you find by the sea

I look most like: a right old stack of Brazil nuts

Best outfit: my Robin Hood bomber jacket and tweed socks

Pour me a mug of: hot gravel, please

Slippers or mandibles: definitely mandibles because I think they’re rather fetching, whereas slippers are old like dad’s ham

How many ghandis are too many: any number over tooty

Favourite ice cubes: the ones from tim’s house, they’re delightfully pleasant

Finish this phrase, “roll me an onion…”: before the headmaster catches the figs!

Avatar Newsboost – the Happy Salad Boys return

We have exclusive news down here at the Newsboost HQ that sexy boy band the Happy Salad Boys are due to release a new album by the end of the month.

You’ve all heard of them by now. They seemed to appear out of nowhere around 18 months ago, four jolly lads with an eye for a tune and expert marketing and choreography to match. Their debut album ‘Mushrooms, yeah?’ went straight in at number one, featuring twelve of the grooviest, hippest and most vegetable-est songs you’ve ever heard. Since then, Chester Kneesup, Drake Fondles, Tyler ‘whoops’ Aplenty and (no capital letter, please) tim have been on every magazine cover, website and advertising billboard this side of Chelmsford.

A sold out tour followed, taking in all the major cities and stadiums the UK could manage. They were so popular they sold out Wembley five times, and forced Ed Sheeran to a smaller venue to coo his acoustic love songs to five people instead of six (sorry, Ed).

Whats the new album called? That hasn t been leaked yet, although the fervent fans are casting their votes as to which vegetable they might choose next.

“All our albums will be named after vegetables,” said Drake Fondles, the self proclaimed leader of the four. “Because vegetables matter.”

Will it be artichokes? Will it be spring onions? Will it be something completely different such as an autumnal swede? We only have a few weeks to wait.

Stay tuned for more Happy Salad Boys exclusives coming very soon.

Avatar Chaos defrost

Lo and behold.

The time of the end is nigh.

Though you may thinketh long and hard about the answer,

You know nothing in life has ever prepared you for the force of the

It might defrost your chicken pasta bake.

It might defrost your hat or the gloves under the radiator.

Could it be that you call your father and he’s feeling a little warmer than usual, but not too warm in that the main power of the microwave was used? Could it be?

Once that button is pressed, who knows what will happen. Nay nonny no nay, never touch that button.

Avatar We are all last minuters

You run a remarkably successful (?) website. You need to come up with content every single month to entertain the millions (?) of punters who keep turning up for laughs (?).

Okay, I’ll stop there.

If you ever needed proof that despite our best intentions, we all normally earn a bean by scraping something up on the last day of the month then here it is:

I did a screenshot with an even longer list but I think I may have deleted it and/or it got lost in the hundreds of baby orb photos I’ve taken since September.

Hey, we’re all human. Coming up with new and entertaining ideas is hard when you lead such busy lifestyles such as ourselves. I’m not going to beat myself up over something as trivial as this. I’m going to listen to the weird whistling sound the radiator in the dining room makes now that we’ve had a new boiler installed and smile.

Avatar Good boy

Have you been a good boy? There’s one sure-fire way to find out.

I’m sure you know this, but all we have to do is look underneath the priority seating in coach 4 of the 21.53 South Western Railway service from Guildford to Farnham.

Let’s have a look now.

Yes, there we are. So, have you been a good boy?

You have! Well done.

Avatar Can we be serious, please?

I need you to all listen to me very carefully when I say this. I am deadly serious.

I need you to understand that there is a time for nonsense and there is also a time for being serious. I am the most serious I’ve ever been without crossing that line and turning into Serious Ian again (nobody wants that).

If we’re to start this new year fresh then you’re all going to have to give me enough time to eat my oranges.

I don’t want to hear your excuses. I don’t want you running into my house with whatever gibberish you need to tell me; it can wait. I need to take some time to eat my oranges.

Whatever you need to tell me, put a pin it in and try me the next day. Whatever job needs doing, you’re going to have to give me some extra time to get it finished. I’ve got oranges to eat and I won’t let anyone get in my way.

There. I’ve said it. Don’t get upset because I’m telling everyone the same thing. My oranges come first.

Avatar Jolly good: free rubber rings for all

Not to brag, but we’ve got one of those kitchen taps where you can pull the end of it and it extends out like a hose. It’s pretty good.

Recently the hose bit stopped going back in to the tap nicely, and that was because a little rubber ring that made it seal snugly in place had broken.

I did some searching online. No combination of words referring to a “washer” would produce results, nor did my searches for any kind of “grommet”. No, it turns out this wasn’t rubber or even silicone, nor was it a washer, grommet, seal or band. The thing I needed was a nitrile O-ring.

Amazon sell them for a couple of quid, so I placed my order. Here is the thing I needed. I fitted it to the tap and the tap works nicely again now.

The only issue is that Amazon won’t sell you one of them. It will only sell you a pack of 50. So I now have another 49 going spare. Assuming these things fail at the same rate as the original, this will keep my tap in full working order through to December 2175.

As a result I feel safe in letting go of a few spares if it will help my fellow man. They have an external diameter of 20mm, an internal diameter of 16mm and the band is 2mm thick with a circular cross section. Let me know if you’d like one.