Author: Ian “Wolfwood” McIver

Avatar Butter insurance

Take a moment to think about it. Do you have enough cover for your spread?

You may think that butter is something to take for granted because you can buy it from every corner shop and supermarket. It’s readily available. It’s on the tips of your fingers every single day.

But what if it wasn’t? What if it was gone without any explanation whatsoever? What would you do then? Opt for margarine? Would that really do? Are you going to sit your children down and explain to them that margarine is the best you can do?

Here are Butters McButters Inc, we offer the finest butter insurance money can buy. Our lavish offices may suggest we’re all about the profits and satisfying the shareholders with champagne every Friday, but let me reassure you that your butter needs are what’s on my mind 24/7.

What you get with one of our policies is more than your average butter insurance policy; you get peace of mind. If your butter gets stolen, we will replace that butter with a full packet within 24 hours. If we manage to catch the thieves, we’ll give you your butter back… with a smile and a thumbs up. We also cover for many different butter scenarios such as:

  • Not wrapping the butter back properly so that a bit of it goes hard and weird
  • Accidentally wasting some of it because someone didn’t put it securely on the fridge shelf so it fell down and wiped a bit on the shelf below
  • Clowns
  • Bees
  • Preparing some fresh toast and going to pick up the butter only to realise your wife used the last of it earlier on this morning and you’ve got nothing left to smother on that piping hot breakfast

Can your insurance company guarantee you for all of this? I sincerely doubt it.

Don’t put yourself in an uncomfortable position; get butter cover now before the worst happens. You butter believe we’re the best in the biz!

Avatar No judgement here

I get it.

You’re out with the lads and you’re having a great time. You’ve been on the bevs for most of the afternoon and now the evening. The night is creeping in. You haven’t eaten in hours.

You catch the last bus home and even though your sense of timing for public transport is spot on, by the time you reach your destination your favourite takeaway is closed.

Curses, you think, why must they shut this early? Don’t they want my business? Don’t they want my £2.50 for a bag of chips (or whatever your regional financial equivalent is – we all know rubbish London pounds are)?

Left with no option but to raid the cupboards, your choices are slim. The freezer is practically empty too because you’re due a food shop tomorrow. It’s time to face facts; waiting over two hours for a McDelivery isn’t going to help anything. You’re already whammed and you need something to soak up the alcohol.

It’s time to do something drastic.

It’s time to open that tin youve been saving for an emergency.

You wake up the next day with a thick, brown, meaty rim around your lips and you have no idea how it got there.

Avatar Phase phrase competition – August

Ah ha! What a blinder of a month July was. Absolutely hilarious. I know I’ll be quoting some of them for years to come and soon everyone else will be too. When it comes to awards season, July will be the one to beat.

*awkward coughing and the sound of shuffling papers*

Where do we go from here then? What could August possibly offer to beat the wunderkind that was the previous month? Onwards and upwards, dear viewer, let’s keep on choogling:

  • Read my pants, baby, you’re catching the train to spanksville – guaranteed gold chat-up line for the younger crowd
  • Bend your hands the wrong way and you’ll never tell me the right time – sounds like the wise words of a kind soul, as long as you don’t think about it too much
  • You left it too late and now it’s snouts for everyone – way to kick someone when they’re already down, doesn’t have to specifically be about serving food to people
  • Tickle my cloisters, it’s time for a party! – shout it as you enter a room to get it buzzing like a fly gym
  • Cap it sucker, you’re on borrowed time – cool tough guy phrase to knock out when you’re wasting bad guys

Can you feel the love tonight?

Let me know if there’s anything that YOU say that could be a potential phrase. We’re past the halfway point, hurtling towards the autumnal season, so there may be a special seasonal variation coming up soon (if I can remember that is).

Avatar PSA – don’t eat the oreos

Everyone loves delicious oreos.

Mmmm, right? Nobody can resist the tasty taste of oreos because there’s something for everyone. Love biscuit? Got you. Love squishy things in the middle of biscuits? You’re covered. Love ripping things in half to feel superior over something for once when you’re trapped in a horrific existence where you’re in control of nothing? Also this!

There are, however, flavours of oreos that should not exist and this is one of them:

Whatever you do, don’t eat the ice cream flavour oreos.

I found these being sold for cheap and my curiosity got the better of me. They look okay, let’s give these a go, I thought. I was so very, very wrong.

When you first put one in your mouth everything seems okay, nothing out of place here. It’s the aftertaste that really kills the entire experience. The closest thing I can compare it to is it’s as though you’ve swallowed a blueberry vape. Someone turned the vape juice into a solid and stuck it in an oreo.

It’s disgusting. You have been warned.

Avatar Giddy Strider’s Fields

I am a huge fan of the band The Long Blondes.

They only managed to release two albums in their lifetime before breaking up (if you don’t count the early singles collection of course), which is a damn fine shame. They’re on regular rotation at home and in the car.

You know when you think you know the lyrics to a song but then when you’re singing along you’re missing words out? Such was the case recently when playing one of the singles from their first album, ‘Giddy Stratospheres’. It’s a catchy song about breaking up with someone because they’re boring and dragging you down; lovely stuff.

Not wanting to appear foolish, I decided to look up the lyrics to see if I was singing the right words. Heaven forbid that someone should hear me and think I was some kind of fake fan! The horror!

Unfortunately the first effort that came up appeared to be AI giving it a go and, well, see for yourself:

If you sing it this way, it sounds as though the guy’s girlfriend won’t take him to somewhere called Giddy Striders Fields. Perhaps it’s his favourite place for a kick about with the lads? Maybe he likes riding the horses at the weekend? Who knows.

I don’t think I’ll be able to sing the right words now given the sheer lunacy of AI and their attempt.

Avatar Newsboost – new town incoming!

Shock news today as Preston City Council and Blackburn with Darwen Council announce joint plans for a brand spanking new development to be built between two well-established towns.

We have it on good authority that something new is happening between Preston and Blackburn.

“This country is full of old,” said local Preston councillor Tolika Doolittle. “It’s swimming in old. We are surrounded by history which is great for tourism, however it doesn’t leave much room for anything else. We’re seeking to build something special that will get people’s tongues wagging.”

The new establishment is set to be built in the space between the two aforementioned towns.

“We’ve taken a bit of Blackburn and taken a bit of Preston, carved them off like slices of cheese. Nobody was really using this land anyway. Once you’ve seen the initial artist’s impressions you will be blown away.”

‘Presburn’, as it is currently known, is still at the initial early stages, with development due to start in six months time and completion expected by 2030.

Locals have been resisting though with several online petitions raising awareness of the small villages already built in the proposed area of development.

Hoghton, Feniscowles and Witton Country Park all sound made up but they are real places with real people living there. We pushed Tolika Doolittle for further comments about this.

“Where? Who? Do they have a Starbucks? Probably not. It’s best to bulldoze now and ask questions later. You’ll all thank me in the end!”

Will we though? Stay tuned for more details.

Avatar Death of Quirky

It had to happen sooner or later.

Here I am, sleep- deprived, lumbering around like a zombie. The heat isn’t making it any better, neither is having to be up most hours trying to make a baby go back to sleep. I have bruises up and down my legs and arms from accidentally bashing into things. My spacial awareness is at an all time low.

I remember opening up the cupboard door and watching in slow motion as the glass that hadn’t been put back properly left the safety of the shelf and collided with the kitchen floor.

I had been using it almost every day since we got them back for Old Man Kevvers 40th birthday. It’s the perfect size for refreshing juice on a hot day.

No more pint glass for me.

At least I have the memories. Does anyone want to watch me walk into the pub?