Author: Ian “Wolfwood” McIver

Avatar Q & A with one of the Happy Salad Boys (again)

You’re not seeing things.

We’ve managed to track down another one of those boys to find out what’s going on in his perennial noggin, what’s perplexing his grey matter. Let’s have a sit down and a chat with Drake Fondles!

Name: Drake Fondles

Age: Old enough

What type of boy band member are you: I’m the talent, the songwriter, the visionary, the artist. I write the words to all the songs then hand them to someone else to rewrite and fix to someone else’s music

How many curls: enough to fill a wheelbarrow

I most look like: a dainty flower fixed upon a mountain hilltop in the flurriest of weather but also on a summer’s day

Best celebrity chicken: Florence Chuckles

Chaffinch – controversial?: I’d rather you didn’t bring it up

Pour me a mug of: delicious melodies sprinkled with stardust

Fuzziest television: Uncle Tupperware’s

How “me” are you: I am more you than you ever were, and I can guarantee that. In fact, I’m going to write a song about it right now

Finish this phrase, “Shoulder shrug…”: emotionless mug

Avatar Phrase phase competition – September

Back once again with the renegade master. The renegade master being me. I am your renegade master.

Can we keep unearthing the gold? Can we unopen the vestibule and then reopen it again for clarity? Can we stretch WORDS any further than we already have?

Let’s find out:

  • Joke meister general, here; time to josh up your regions! – possibly includes a few too many dated references to pass for modern audiences
  • I want you to know I am flush outta sunshine – a sincere confession from the heart, you’re really not feeling it today
  • Trees’ll cockle ye snatch, sonny – nobody actually knows what it means and that adds to the mystery if you ask me
  • If I were you, I wouldn’t wanna know you – a classic from the archive, ready for its time again in the glorious sunshine. A savage put down
  • When I left you at the party line, I noticed your clingfilm – great opening line to a catchy pop song, possibly sung by Sabrina Carpenter or one of those other ones

Exhilarating in every sense of the word.

October is going to have to pull a blinder in order to beat some of those. Could the chilly season dig up even better ideas? We shall see.

Avatar Q & A with one of the Happy Salad Boys

That’s right.

We’ve managed to secure another exclusive and this time it’s a questions mit answers with one of the Happy Salad Boys; Chester Kneesup!

Name: Chester Kneesup

Age: Wa-hey, look at me

What type of boy band member are you: I’m the funny one, the cheeky scamp who gets away with anything

Favourite rocks: the ones you find by the sea

I look most like: a right old stack of Brazil nuts

Best outfit: my Robin Hood bomber jacket and tweed socks

Pour me a mug of: hot gravel, please

Slippers or mandibles: definitely mandibles because I think they’re rather fetching, whereas slippers are old like dad’s ham

How many ghandis are too many: any number over tooty

Favourite ice cubes: the ones from tim’s house, they’re delightfully pleasant

Finish this phrase, “roll me an onion…”: before the headmaster catches the figs!

Avatar Newsboost – the Happy Salad Boys return

We have exclusive news down here at the Newsboost HQ that sexy boy band the Happy Salad Boys are due to release a new album by the end of the month.

You’ve all heard of them by now. They seemed to appear out of nowhere around 18 months ago, four jolly lads with an eye for a tune and expert marketing and choreography to match. Their debut album ‘Mushrooms, yeah?’ went straight in at number one, featuring twelve of the grooviest, hippest and most vegetable-est songs you’ve ever heard. Since then, Chester Kneesup, Drake Fondles, Tyler ‘whoops’ Aplenty and (no capital letter, please) tim have been on every magazine cover, website and advertising billboard this side of Chelmsford.

A sold out tour followed, taking in all the major cities and stadiums the UK could manage. They were so popular they sold out Wembley five times, and forced Ed Sheeran to a smaller venue to coo his acoustic love songs to five people instead of six (sorry, Ed).

Whats the new album called? That hasn t been leaked yet, although the fervent fans are casting their votes as to which vegetable they might choose next.

“All our albums will be named after vegetables,” said Drake Fondles, the self proclaimed leader of the four. “Because vegetables matter.”

Will it be artichokes? Will it be spring onions? Will it be something completely different such as an autumnal swede? We only have a few weeks to wait.

Stay tuned for more Happy Salad Boys exclusives coming very soon.

Avatar Butter insurance

Take a moment to think about it. Do you have enough cover for your spread?

You may think that butter is something to take for granted because you can buy it from every corner shop and supermarket. It’s readily available. It’s on the tips of your fingers every single day.

But what if it wasn’t? What if it was gone without any explanation whatsoever? What would you do then? Opt for margarine? Would that really do? Are you going to sit your children down and explain to them that margarine is the best you can do?

Here are Butters McButters Inc, we offer the finest butter insurance money can buy. Our lavish offices may suggest we’re all about the profits and satisfying the shareholders with champagne every Friday, but let me reassure you that your butter needs are what’s on my mind 24/7.

What you get with one of our policies is more than your average butter insurance policy; you get peace of mind. If your butter gets stolen, we will replace that butter with a full packet within 24 hours. If we manage to catch the thieves, we’ll give you your butter back… with a smile and a thumbs up. We also cover for many different butter scenarios such as:

  • Not wrapping the butter back properly so that a bit of it goes hard and weird
  • Accidentally wasting some of it because someone didn’t put it securely on the fridge shelf so it fell down and wiped a bit on the shelf below
  • Clowns
  • Bees
  • Preparing some fresh toast and going to pick up the butter only to realise your wife used the last of it earlier on this morning and you’ve got nothing left to smother on that piping hot breakfast

Can your insurance company guarantee you for all of this? I sincerely doubt it.

Don’t put yourself in an uncomfortable position; get butter cover now before the worst happens. You butter believe we’re the best in the biz!

Avatar No judgement here

I get it.

You’re out with the lads and you’re having a great time. You’ve been on the bevs for most of the afternoon and now the evening. The night is creeping in. You haven’t eaten in hours.

You catch the last bus home and even though your sense of timing for public transport is spot on, by the time you reach your destination your favourite takeaway is closed.

Curses, you think, why must they shut this early? Don’t they want my business? Don’t they want my £2.50 for a bag of chips (or whatever your regional financial equivalent is – we all know rubbish London pounds are)?

Left with no option but to raid the cupboards, your choices are slim. The freezer is practically empty too because you’re due a food shop tomorrow. It’s time to face facts; waiting over two hours for a McDelivery isn’t going to help anything. You’re already whammed and you need something to soak up the alcohol.

It’s time to do something drastic.

It’s time to open that tin youve been saving for an emergency.

You wake up the next day with a thick, brown, meaty rim around your lips and you have no idea how it got there.

Avatar Phase phrase competition – August

Ah ha! What a blinder of a month July was. Absolutely hilarious. I know I’ll be quoting some of them for years to come and soon everyone else will be too. When it comes to awards season, July will be the one to beat.

*awkward coughing and the sound of shuffling papers*

Where do we go from here then? What could August possibly offer to beat the wunderkind that was the previous month? Onwards and upwards, dear viewer, let’s keep on choogling:

  • Read my pants, baby, you’re catching the train to spanksville – guaranteed gold chat-up line for the younger crowd
  • Bend your hands the wrong way and you’ll never tell me the right time – sounds like the wise words of a kind soul, as long as you don’t think about it too much
  • You left it too late and now it’s snouts for everyone – way to kick someone when they’re already down, doesn’t have to specifically be about serving food to people
  • Tickle my cloisters, it’s time for a party! – shout it as you enter a room to get it buzzing like a fly gym
  • Cap it sucker, you’re on borrowed time – cool tough guy phrase to knock out when you’re wasting bad guys

Can you feel the love tonight?

Let me know if there’s anything that YOU say that could be a potential phrase. We’re past the halfway point, hurtling towards the autumnal season, so there may be a special seasonal variation coming up soon (if I can remember that is).