Author: Ian “Air Travel Regulations” McIver

Avatar Phrase phase competition – April

We’re back again, like a lingering distant family member you’ve not seen for over a decade who now won’t leave you alone because he or she needs investment for their new business idea; lemon shorts.

Phew. Glad I changed my number after the first eleven missed calls.

Can we keep mining that rich seam that resulted in March’s gold? Let’s see:

  • Take that language and fold it up, turkey – sassy comeback for some sassy character you’ve been saving for a rainy day
  • Sweet Petunia! – an exclamation that suits every single situation you could possibly imagine, also makes you look really smart
  • Leave the beef on the bench – telling your co-worker that the stapler war they’re engaging that tool from the other department with isn’t worth their time
  • Double denim venom – when your friends don’t understand your fashion sense
  • Comma comma hashtag, whaaaat? – you know you’re the comic relief if you’re coming out with gems like this

I bet there’s one in there that you NEVER thought you’d ever see again. You know what? You’ve only yourself to blame because I had forgotten it until you mentioned it. Ha ha!

Anyway, keep all your suggestions (or any suggestions whatsoever) coming in. When we reach halfway through the year, I’ll bring forth the best so far into some kind of mega poll based on feedback received.

Yah boo sucks.

Avatar The many states of Daisy

I heard that Kev really loves posts about doggos so I decided to do one of my own. We wouldn’t want him missing out now, would we?

Daisy doesn’t have as many names as Fizz does. Not even close. She doesn’t actually have other names, they’re more like states. In certain situations she changes into something else and is no longer Daisy.

It’s best explained in the following very expensive-looking CGI AI graphic below.

It’s very simple:

A) FOMO – if we all leave the room at the same time, Daisy will follow shortly thereafter. She likes to come on her own terms and make it seem like it was her decision, when really she doesn’t want to miss out so she’ll scoot along quick sharpish

B) ET – very specific circumstances when she is mostly covered by a blanket and resembles ET when he’s hiding in the basket on the front of the bike

C) Baby inspector – if the Orb is lying on the floor, Daisy will come over and sniff him. It’s as if she’s checking he’s okay, like some kind of inspector. I’m sure all inspectors smell what they’re inspecting, right?

D) Meerkat – in order to see what’s going on outside, she’ll stand on her hind legs to get maximum visibility. This one speaks for itself

I will be sure to update you all if any further states are discovered.

Hope you enjoyed the post, Kev.

Avatar Chaos defrost

Lo and behold.

The time of the end is nigh.

Though you may thinketh long and hard about the answer,

You know nothing in life has ever prepared you for the force of the

It might defrost your chicken pasta bake.

It might defrost your hat or the gloves under the radiator.

Could it be that you call your father and he’s feeling a little warmer than usual, but not too warm in that the main power of the microwave was used? Could it be?

Once that button is pressed, who knows what will happen. Nay nonny no nay, never touch that button.

Avatar Phrase phase competition – March

This time I tried much harder. Promise.

Another month in the pot (?), another round of potential life-changing phrases to waft past your glorious eye holes. I can see that you’re all gleaming and desperate to know what’s what. You can guarantee that whatever I’ve got, it won’t be handed to you crimsonly, that’s for sure.

Could you be anymore excited? I doubt it. Here’s five more word lines to baffle your friends and influence your peers with:

  • Control Alt Discreet! – something to whisper when you’re trying to keep a low profile and someone accidentally steps on a clown horn
  • You got your set squares all mixed up, Sigmund – catchy catchphrase for mid-tier US sitcom. Laughter track provided where required
  • Smift me all the way to the bank – a made up word handily inserted into a sentence most people use on a daily basis. You can decide what it actually means
  • May angels lead you in and devils drag you out again – cool guy phrase for when you’re about to blow some mother away, possibly at the end of a film
  • Fox me up, fox me RIGHT up – a solid exclamation for when your friends decide to drag you on a night out to cheer you up and you want to look your best

As we can all agree, the calibre of this month is a hundred times better than February. I believe I’m on a bit of a roll and I still have a few tasty morsels put aside for April, you lucky, lucky people.

(Although between you and I, the word ‘grapefruit’ snuck its way into another one of these for some reason. What is it with me and grapefruit?)

As always, if you have any of your own suggestions send them my way and I’ll consider both it and you.

Avatar YouTube Promo 2

Hey guys, Face Uncle back to rock your world.

There was a pretty heated debate in the Discord channel about a week or so ago. I love it when you get passionate about things, guys, and I support everything you say 100%.

It inspired me to get productive.

Here’s a little teaser for my new video coming to you LIVE and FRESH at 4.00pm on Friday. Every Friday.

I dared myself to eat as much cornflakes as possible. It was pretty insane, guys, because you never know what’s gonna happen next! I hope you’ll turn up to find out.

Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe!

Avatar Am I losing my mind?

There I was, aimlessly looking at my Facebook account.

Do you remember how much you faffed about with Facebook when you first got it? Adding in all your likes, favourite bands and films, trying to find people you used to go to school with and sending them a friend request. Poking, apparently, still exists. You can still poke people even now and a lot of people I know are still poking each other (waaaaaay!) so that’s good to know. It was all pretty pointless.

I still get notifications of memories of things and a lot of them are random statuses I typed trying to be funny and failing miserably. Sometimes they’re photos of Reuben or silly things he said as a tiny baby orb. Today was slightly different.

I was linked to something I’d written circa 2008. A short script for something called ‘Cockitt and Pullit’. This was episode two so I must have been on a roll. I glanced briefly at the script before my current orb needed something and I had to switch it off, and made a note in my head to come back later on for a proper read.

I tried to look it up now and it’s gone. The memories have moved onto something else. I sifted through all the various (mostly pointless) pages trying to find where it could be hiding. I’m convinced there used to be a kind of notebook where you could write and store things. Wherever that is hiding must have my scripts for whatever this Cockitt and Pullit thing.

It was a cop drama, probably stupid as we all know the kind of humour 2008 Ian was packing. I’d completely forgotten I’d written them and for now they remain unseen by my judgemental eyes. I’m sure they’re not worth the paper they’re written on, yet if they’re part of my legacy I want them back for future generations to, well, to have.

Except… it’s not mine. If you Google it apparently it was Chris Moyles’ idea, which makes me even more confused. There are references to it in his blog from around the same time. Now I feel like I’m completely losing my mind and I made the whole thing up.

Sometimes remembering isn’t fun.

Avatar Phrase phase competition – Feb

Given that it’s three days away from the end of the month, I realise I could or should have posted this earlier in the month. Gah, what does it matter? As long as it gets shunted into February thats all that matters.

Here we are then, back to take on another batch of future zingers (not fingers, spellcheck) for the human race. Who knows, in a few years time one of these phrases might be doing the rounds. And where did it originate? Right here, baby, where all the action’s going down. Yeah.

Another five efforts to moisturise your eyes, your minds and your pockets (?):

  • I’m going to tell you what I told Eamonn Holmes, <insert anything> – I still stand by this, it’s a superb expression and soon will have its day in the sun
  • Gosh golly grapefruit! – an exclamation to express shock or surprise. Might be a bit too middle class
  • Out the way, grandad, I’ve got bitches to feed – a work in progress
  • Suck my magenta, and then some – could be an insult but also could be misconstrued as a sign off for some hip home decorating TV programme (although you’d never catch Anna Ryder Richardson spouting language like that)
  • Life has so many pieces, like a jigsaw. Make sure the box you have is big enough to hold all of them – wistful, knowing, definitely feels as though it should be up on a wall with, ‘Live Laugh Love’

A middling series of musings thats for sure.

I er promise I’ll try harder next time.

Avatar Are you sure about that?

Picture the scene.

It’s the year 2034. The future is finally here. All those exciting opportunities you’ve been waiting for are finally at your fingertips.

You’ve decided that now is the time to open that restaurant of your own you’ve been dreaming of. Years of working in menial jobs for awful bosses. You’ve saved some money, not enough to buy a business but for a deposit to convince the bank to loan you the rest to get you started.

You scout out a great location in and up and coming area. Plenty of footfall to ensure a healthy turn out in that first shaky year or two. Once the word gets out though you know you’ll have to turn people away, you’ll be that popular. You’ve got a killer menu lined up, stuff that people have never considered before, and you’ve also got the talent to back it up.

Everything is in place. Now, all you need is a memorable name to seal the deal in a wigwam.