Author: Ian “Air Travel Regulations” McIver

Avatar Newsboost – A Smidge too far

Following on from last month’s report on the super trooper mega fruit, celebrity endorsements have been swooping in like magpies at a pirate’s birthday party.

People have been queuing around the block to try to get their greasy hands on the Bluebocado, the latest food to tantalise the taste buds of those lucky enough to find some. Our report in March highlighted the claims made by the manufacturer whilst also questioning the positive aspects that the scientists were pushing so hard into the public’s consciousness. It would seem as though those doubts were somewhat unfounded as people have been raving about the Bluebocado all over social media and in those groups of people you still see in offices huddled around water and coffee machines:

“Sensational!” wrote someone.

“A taste sensation,” wrote another.

“Has anyone called it ‘sensational’ yet?” queried my landlord.

We managed to secure a small punnet last week and after carving them into tiny morsels and putting them on cocktail sticks (still rocking the 1970’s here over at Newsboost towers) we can confirm that the Bluebocado tastes as good as the world is declaring.

As previously mentioned, celebrities have been lining up to offer their thanks, their praise and their time to continue the good word. Sting has decided to write an entire double album about the super fruit on his lute. Timothee Chalamet was pictured leaving a nightclub in Soho in the wee small hours with a pack under his leather jacket. Zendaya turned up at LAX with a megaphone to proclaim that the Bluebocado was the best thing to happen to her since teeth. What really surprised the world though was when the unlikeliest of candidates stepped up.

Walking almanac anorak of questions, Smidge Manley, held a press conference in his back garden earlier this week to announce that he would be the face of the Bluebocado. He claimed to have signed a lucrative contract with the owners for full exposure.

“I’ve decided not to run in the local by-election anymore because my heart lies with the delicate taste of the Bluebocado. You’ll soon see my face promoting it here, there and even everywhere. You may even get tired of seeing my face, at which point they’ll turn me into a cartoon raven of a bee, like they did with that dog insurance guy. Bernard? Thatcher? One of them. I’ll be him, but for fruit.”

An interesting turn of events by all accounts.

Avatar Happening soon

Guys, everyone, I know this is upsetting to some but I needed to get the word out now before it’s too late.

Gary Barlow is happening soon!

Now I’m not expecting people to start jumping into their nuclear bunkers immediately. It looks as though we have a window, how long is anyone’s guess. As long as you’re busy looking through Barlow Handbook when you have the chance to do so then that’s all we can ask.

Double check that you have plenty of water and tinned food. Carry out plenty of practise exercises with your ear defenders and earplugs.

Don’t take any risks. If you see a Gary Barlow coming towards you, whether or not he is singing, turn around calmly and walk in the other direction with your hands over your ears.

And whatever you do, don’t click that button; you do *not* want any more information.

Avatar Newsboost – the super megafood

Scientists have done it once again and have officially announced that a new superfood has been created.

Top boffins at the Food Science Laboratory in East Sussex have managed to genetically modify an avocado with a punnet of blueberries to create the world’s first (presumably) SUPER super food; the Bluebocado.

This means that by eating one you would be getting the same disease-fighting antioxidants (anthocyanins if you want to get super technical) of blueberries coupled with the healthy monounsaturated fats, fibre, potassium and various vitamins such as K, E and C of avocados. We were unable to obtain a picture prior to this article but can only describe it as looking like a giant green ostrich egg with a blue wig.

“We have been working hard at developing something that was even more nutritious and even more satisfying than your standard average superfoods,” scoffs leading scientist Blemodine Advocate, “the demand for better foods has far outstripped what nature is capable of. I mean they gave us the tools with which to survive so we should be grateful for that. There is only so much that they can do though. You don’t see bees mixing uh uh a melon with a dandelion to create a refreshing drink, that’s something that we humans have to do.”

The Bluebocado was revealed in a press conference in London two days ago and since then the fervor on social media has reached peak levels:

  • “I NEED that superfood in my life RIGHT NOW,” said Twitter user Tenfor10UK
  • “I’ll sell my kids to get something that special,” gushed MotherofthreeMcGee79
  • “When it goes on sale, I’m calling in sick at work and I’m going to eat four of them at the same time,” murmured the quaintly named cuDDlebuCKet88

The Food Standards Agency has approved all the paperwork of the Bluebocado so there is nothing to stop it going on general sale at the start or next month. That said, some have questioned whether it is as fancy and sophisticated as it is being made out to be.

“It sounds amazing,” said celebrity food pusher Quentin Woodcock, “it sounds incredible, but what does it actually taste like? People haven’t been allowed to sample the bluebocado prior to the release which is unusual. They did the press conference, and you could look at it but not taste it. Blueberries and avocados have two very different dynamic flavours, and I am unsure as to whether they would work together.”

We took that question to Blemodine Advocate. “It tastes as you would expect it to taste; superfluous! We’ve combined two superfruits to create a mega superfruit, or megafruit (we’re still deciding on the official moniker). You’ll get four of your five a day from two bites. You’ll get all the benefits or both fruits. It’s reasonably priced too unless you’re buying it from Waitrose.”

As with most things, only time will tell if the story of the super duper megafruit will have a happy ending or it will leave us all with a sour taste in our mouths.

Avatar Your new favourite blank

Okay, hear me out.

You want to make a statement. You’ve been living in your house for a while now and it’s getting a bit drab. You’re tired of looking at the same old bits of furniture. What you need is a bit of something something to make the living room sparkle.

You need a focal point, a conversation starter, one of those magical items that nobody else has. You need people to walk into your living room or dining room and be so stunned by what’s there that they are putty in your hands.

You can’t buy the kind of shock value this piece will give you. It’s one-of-a-kind, it’s classy and it’s sassy, and it’s in stock right now. I can give you the deets and you can swing by to pick it up in a few hours. You can’t say fairer than that.

Avatar The return of…

As the ravages of time affect us all, I stare into the mirror and I am greeted by a face that looks both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. There are traces of the young boy who once flapped around gurgling nonsense about loins and chagrins mixed with those unavoidable lines and bags around and under the eyes. It’s always the eyes that give it away.

I am awash with melancholy. Has it been twenty years since Reuben was born? Almost twenty years since I moved to Newcastle? Coming up to twenty-three years since finishing sixth form? Where has the time gone?

I look back through the photos in my phone to make sense of the madness, to try and find a firm grip on the rockface of life. I must shackle myself to something tangible because I will go out of my mind if I do not. My most recent photos are of the Florida holiday: cheery blue skies, sunshine lollipop backpacks and rainbow cookie wonderlands. All of it warms my soul to see it once more like an old friend visiting. Then I see him:

SERIOUS IAN?!

He’s crept into one of the photos. He is pushing boundaries this time because, sat in a tiny car going around the Toy Story ride at Disney, shooting at aliens with lasers for points with his technicolour space gun, there he is. The irony is delicious. When did he turn up? I didn’t see him flipping through t-shirts trying to find one with Launchpad McQuack on. I didn’t witness him stuffing burgers into his grill and then finishing up with a strawberry milkshake, pretending that in a way it would count as a “balanced meal”. He must have snuck into my suitcase when I wasn’t looking.

About halfway through the holiday I caught what felt like a bad cold and needed to rest more. Was it me that woke up every time or have I been myself less and less? Could it be:

  • Maybe he tiptoed out to watch the Superbowl at some aggressive masculine sports bar and put a huge wager on one of the teams to win, watching the TV with a pint and a grimace as he realises he’d backed the wrong side
  • Maybe he walked around the vacant tourist trap landscape, shaking his head about the silly offers in the windows of souvenir shops, muttering to himself, “this country used to mean something.”
  • Maybe he complained to the hotel because the swimming pool didn’t open early enough and that it should be available shortly after the time he usually awoke at 5.45am
  • Maybe he told the family in front that they needed to calm down and that it wasn’t the “real” Mickey Mouse that they were waiting to greet.

I mean I’m not Fight Club so that probably didn’t happen but if he can creep out when I’m living it up abroad then it means he can appear anywhere. Literally anywhere? Literally anywhere. You’d best watch out.

Avatar Ian’s holiday snaps – #3

Do you feel like a mystery today? I think you’re looking for a mystery and I’ve got exactly what you need.

As I wandered the barren desolate wasteland of Florida, in the hopes of finding something worthy of my time (tad over dramatic, I know) I kept noticing these signs dotted around the place. I saw some on a highway as we drove to a mall one morning and there were also some lurking around the massive McDonalds.

Who keeps leaving these signs? What kind of website are they proposing? Why are there no details or pictures? Who would be insane enough to give money to a random stranger advertising on the corner of a McDonalds?

I kept imagining some sort of lummox on the other end of the phone and he would spin a wheel for every customer. Whatever the wheel would land on, that’s the website you got. You didn’t have a say in the matter and if you tried to he would send the “website boys” round for a little “chat”.

I’ll never get answers to my questions and, settling into my chair at home, thousands of miles away from website man / woman and their shady empire, I’m quite content to leave it that way.