Category: Positive Moments

Avatar Big Ian

We all know how slow bureaucracy can be. Fill in the forms and wait years for action. Call every day only to be put on hold with no explanation. But eventually it all pays off.

We all know that fathers of grown ups are Big. Our lives have been overseen by these titans of parenthood. But one among us has reached this status for themselves, and now – despite cutbacks in the civil service and the lack of urgency in the postal system – his official certificate has arrived.

It’s time for us to acknowledge Big Ian.

Avatar Newsboost – All is well in Benwell

Shock news today as an area in the North East of England has been crowned the World Health Organisation’s top place for mental health.

Benwell, an area in the West end of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, has been given the accolade by the WHO after it was voted the best place to improve your sense of well-being, but it wasn’t an easy ride and did involve a drastic last minute name change.

“First impressions are everything and Benwell has been giving out the wrong kind for years now,” says local councillor Felicity Dropping. “We decided that it was time for a change and so some of the local school children suggested changing the name. All it took was erasing one letter. It certainly saved a lot of money when updating all the nearby signs.”

Benwell, now christened Be Well, has had a flurry of tourists visiting the area since the name change.

“It’s amazing how drastically everything has changed. We weren’t even trying for any kind of award. We used to be known for our crime statistics and now we’re known for our easy going nature and herbal teas.”

The place has seen a 700% rise in tourism since the name change, an unprecedented amount all things considered. This has mostly been Europeans, with a huge collection of Danish shoe makers flooding the town. The Local Authority are also looking to invest in the area to capitalise on this good will.

“We’re hoping Starbucks are going to build one of their drive through coffee shops, that will really add a touch of class,” Felicity continued, “we’ve also seen interest from McDonalds, McVitties and Donald’s dodecahedrons. Its such an exciting time for everyone involved.”

Only time will tell if Be Well will stay well.

Avatar Nearly New Year’s Eve honour list

In typical fashion, there needed to one of these.

Ending a year comes with all kinds of lists. Best this, worst that, how much money did that lose etc. I am no different. I am the best and worst of me, and I personally lost a ton of money at the box office. Over seven hundred million at my last count. Atrocious.

There are so many people and THINGS to thank that there isn’t enough time in the day to get through them all. There’s barely enough time to write this between bottle feeds and nappy changes, so here’s a brief list of thanks to those that deserve it most:

  1. Vikki – though the majority of this list will be played for “laughs”, a heartfelt moment if you please. I couldn’t have gotten through this year without my better half. She’s the only person I know daft enough to get pregnant, then fly halfway round the world to Florida so she couldn’t go on any of the rides at Disney World. A true stalwart if ever I saw one.
  2. My shoulders – me, as a whole, does not deserve to be on this list. I was clumsy before and have only gotten worse in these last few months. The MVP though goes to my shoulders who have rocked a little orb to sleep on a daily basis, sometimes carrying him for up to an hour. The other limbs were helping but without the shoulders they would never have gotten this far. I will be forever grateful.
  3. Ice Cube – if you havent yet watched the sensational piss fire that is Amazon’s ‘War of the worlds’ then I recommend you put down this website and head straight to a device that can stream it. The most bizarre adaptation of HG Wells you’ve ever seen, it’s two hours of watching a man (ye man, Ice Cube) flounder at a computer screen in an un-ironic fashion AND a fully fledged advertisement for Amazon itself. You have to see it to believe something so purely wank can exist.
  4. Support bands – wandering the outer echelons of my mind whilst trying to rock a tiny orb to sleep, I drifted far off into the ‘I’ll do anything to stay awake right now’ category and came across support bands. The amount I must have seen back in my 20s and 30s must be lots (there are no concrete numbers here, people). Mostly unseen and unappreciated, not all of them went onto bigger and better things. Still, they’re usually there playing to 5 people like they’re on Wembley stadium and to that I salute you, support bands, and your continued enthusiasm.
  5. The Prep Machine – we started off with a kettle (about 30 mins), then we moved to portable formula feed kit (used incorrectly 12 mins, used correctly 2 to 3 mins) and lastly settled on a prep machine. Though I was skeptical at first, especially considering the price, it has reduced making a safe bottle of milk for the lad to around 90 seconds. It is one of the most useful pieces of kit you can have with a newborn orb. Convenience is a luxury and I am glad we have it instead of being screamed at constantly until the food is ready. Bless you.

All of those that didn’t make the list, don’t feel bad. Try harder next time. Do better, yeah?

Thank you one and all.

Avatar County Durham review

Until this summer County Durham was not a place I had ever really been. It sits between Yorkshire, where I have spent literally years of my life, and the rest of the North East, where I have been many times. County Durham was a place I passed through to get between them. Before August, my total experience of County Durham can be summed up like this:

  • Passing through on the A1 between junctions 59 and 64, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the A19 between Sheraton and Seaham, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the train between Darlington and Chester-le-Street, four times.
  • Going to Burger King at Washington Services, which is no longer part of the administrative county but is within the traditional and ceremonial borders of County Durham, twice.

Earlier this month I arrived for a three-day stay (which I am certain counts as a “sojourn”, a term I reserve the right to use again later in this post) to soak up the County Duhamian atmosphere, basing myself in Barnard Castle. I am now ready to present my second ever county review.

Activities

While in County Durham I visited two waterfalls, walked along an extremely picturesque river, saw a ruined abbey, Roman remains, a big chimney in the middle of some woods and a really good castle. I also witnessed an almost overwhelming quantity of scenery while travelling.

I give County Durham four stars for activities.

****

Accommodation

We stayed in a very nice cottage next to the river, with the sound of running water outside at all times, in a way that was nice rather than annoying. It had more bedrooms than we could use, a spiral staircase, a massive designer fridge and two monsoon showers. I didn’t really want to leave and got into an argument when the owner tried to get their keys back.

I give County Durham five stars for accommodation.

*****

Food and drink

I was able to maintain my usual habit of eating three times a day without difficulty, and the food I ate was almost all very good. I had chips on multiple occasions and Big Frank, travelling with me, had sandwiches with a side of gravy two days running. However, we forgot to buy breakfast one day so the next morning we had to have grapes and coffee.

I give County Durham four stars for food.

****

Conclusion

My sojourn to County Durham has earned it a total of thirteen stars. This is one more than Derbyshire, which has held the title of “best county” for three years, and which now moves into second place. As these are the only two counties that have been rated, County Durham is now officially the best county and Derbyshire is simultaneously the second best and also the worst.

Thank you for your time.

Avatar Nicknamenews

Approximately one billion years ago, when he briefly ran his own website that heavily featured the letter Q, our very own Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver published a list of all the names by which he was regularly known, and for a man still in his late teens the list was hugely impressive.

I never thought of myself as a chap with a lot of nicknames (a term indicating a familiar name for a person that is not their official or legal designation, and which is short for the more descriptive “Nicholas Name”), but recently a series of new ones were bestowed upon me (thank you Bex and Zeb), with promises that they would all be used, and it caused me to count up how many I have now accrued.

Please enjoy this potentially exhaustive, and certainly exhausting, list of the nicknames that can be used to address me. If you can remember any others then please do chuck them at the comments section.

From family and related areas

  • Kipper
  • Kissifer
  • Pififer
  • Christopheles

From school

  • Marshall
  • Monobrow
  • Christopheles J. Bartholomew
  • Mackshall

From friends of various denominations

  • Captain Numbers
  • James
  • Topher
  • Virginia Woolf (not used very often)
  • Criss Crimz
  • Crich5156

From work

  • Chris B
  • Crispy
  • Chuckles
  • Charlie Chuckles

Newly added this week and now available for use

  • Chris Army Knife
  • A Swing and a Chris
  • Chrispy Kreme
  • Chrismas Cake
  • Going the Christance
  • Long Christance Relationship
  • Chris Congeniality
  • Chrisalis
  • Chris from a Rose
  • French Chrissing in the USA
  • The Chrisard of Oz
  • The Ipchris File
  • No More Christer Nice Guy
  • The Long Chris Goodnight
  • Christal Maze
  • Chris and chips
  • Chrission Impossible
  • Chrississippi
  • We Built Chris City on Rock and Roll

Avatar Good deed o’clock

What’s a modern day hero to you? Is it someone who saves your life after getting your tie caught in a printing press or is it the person who hands you your sandwich and wishes you a good day? What even classes as a good deed anymore when the tiniest thing can be misconstrued or misunderstood?

It’s a good job that I’m such a good egg, ready to put all of you to shame with the sheer wealth the SHEER PLETHORA of good deeds that I’ve knocked up this month. My days have been brimming with altruism that I don’t even know where to start. I suppose I’ll have to cut them down to, I don’t know, a list of three, the three main ones, so that you don’t all die of embarrassment.

Don’t tell me that I never do anything for you.

  1. Package save – when I was out walking the doggo one afternoon-o I chanced upon a package in the street-o. The delivery truck-o must have dropped it-o when they were doing something else. I took it back home and checked where the address-o was and, thankfully, it wasn’t too far away-o. Later on that day-o, I posted it through the person’s letterbox so that they safely received their goods.
  2. Pigeon save – when I was out walking the doggo one afternoon (again?), we turned the corner and I went to put the doggo’s poo bag in the bin. What I wasn’t expecting was a pigeon to be staring back at me from inside the bin. It looked a big manky and had green stuff smeared on its wing, as if someone had thrown a drink and showered the poor thing. I ran back to the flat, picked up a few items and then carefully (hands wrapped in empty poo bags) scooped it up and placed it on the floor. After a drink of water, it looked a lot better. I was reluctant to give it food in case this was some kind of pigeon grift and a thousand pigeons all flocked towards me as soon as I brought out a bag of breadcrumbs.
  3. Spoon save – I gave a friend at work a plastic spoon so they could eat their breakfast.

Personally, I think the last one is the most important because if you don’t have the right implement, how are you going to eat your oats? Think about it.