User avatar Modern Art – A Schnozz for all Seasons

User avatar Flexible workspace

We’re all on the lookout for a flexible workspace these days. Somewhere you can just sit down, maybe order a latte, open your laptop and, I don’t know, edit a podcast or grow a hipster beard or something.

The other day, while exploring an area I hadn’t visited before down in the sub-basement of the 1930s part of the building at work, I found an excellent flexible workspace and wanted to share my find with you. Here it is.

As you can see, it’s pleasingly raised above the general floor level, offering a sense of superiority and a view over all the people working nearby (or water heating machinery; I think it was mostly water heating machinery and sewage pipes you could see from here). It also has many useful features:

  • A light, so the workspace has excellent all-over lighting levels
  • A railing, so it’s very safe
  • A calming white/grey colour scheme
  • A red pipe

Obviously I’m claiming first dibs on this, and will be moving in there first thing Monday with my laptop to grow a podcast and edit my beard. But if you want to book a slot yourself, just get in touch.

User avatar Crazy Religos: The Jesus Disco

There was a time, quite a while ago that Ian (or possibly John) used to find/accumulate/aquire bizzare religious pamphlets. For some reason they decided that I should be the recipient of these. I still have two of them. This is the first one, which was given the forboding title of ‘Afraid of being left behind?’.

Continue reading Crazy Religos: The Jesus Disco

User avatar Ditching the snifters

As close friends of mine, you’ll know I have been battling a devastating addiction for many years now. A horrible, destructive dependency on snifters, which has alienated my family, cost me my livelihood and brought me to the very brink of financial insolvency.

The good news is that I’m making progress on kicking this disgusting habit. Unfortunately, as every addict knows, weaning yourself off will only take you so far. Sooner or later you have to go cold turkey. But if I try that, I might just never breathe again. I need some other breathing aid to see me over the difficult transition to snifterlessness. I need snifter methodone.

The recommendation I got from a professional medical person was a saline sinus swasher (possibly not its official name, I can’t remember). I gave it a go yesterday. Let me tell you what it’s like.

  • The first thing that happens is you get some warm water in a squeezy bottle, and then you add the sachet of powdery stuff to it and give it a shake. Then you tip your head forward over the sink, plug the bottle up your nose, and give it a squeeze. A steady stream of warm water is shoved up your nosel.
  • The next thing that happens is that the sensation of the water heading up your breathing holes gives you the instinctive feeling that you might be drowning and you panic a bit. Then you swallow, which opens up the tubes between your nose and your ears, and all the warm liquid goes into your ears.
  • You stop squeezing the bottle and have a small coughing fit. The warm watery stuff is coming out of your nose and your mouth and your ears and probably your eyes. You can’t see. Everything is awful.
  • Deciding it can’t be all that bad, you compose yourself, stick the bottle up your other nosel, and have another squirt. The same thing happens, but in the other direction, and this time you resist the urge to swallow. Jets of warm, snotty water ooze from all areas of your face. You feel soiled.
  • Having done all of this you wipe yourself down and wait to see if the new treatment has rendered your nose breathable without resorting to the wicked temptation of the snifters.
  • You spend the next three hours barely able to breathe.

There are 60 sachets of weird powder stuff so I can use this thing several times a day, but so far, I haven’t yet had a second go. Ditching the snifters is going really well.

User avatar Episode 14: Animal Augmentation

I have to admit this ones a weird one. Usually I give some bullet points of whats going on in the episode but to do that would spoil this one, so you’ll just have to go into it blind.

Good luck.

If you are affected by any of the themes in today’s podcast,… erm… oops.

User avatar Wilmot in the Wild

The time is here. The time is now.

Look at the time. Now we’re late. What were you thinking?

As we have pirouetted into both a new year and a new decade we need to address a massive problem that has been in plain sight all this time and nobody has bothered to address. Luckily I have the brass cohonies to step up to the plate and plok that sucker right out of the park (what?) unlike everyone else.

Chris’ personal hero and best friend, Gary Wilmot, hasn’t been seen much recently. In fact the last time I saw him anywhere was around 2010 when he was playing the role of ‘guy in a tuxedo’ in some production of Chicago. You know, because he can sing and dance, and everyone loves him as a showman and all round entertainer? I expect his plate is full of meaty morsels however I want to bring him back to where Wilmers really shines and that’s on the television.

Here’s my idea – ‘Wilmot in the Wild’. It’s a light entertainment show, perfect for the 6:00pm to 8:00pm Saturday evening slot. Each week a series of contestants, those lucky members of the general public, are given some clues as to the whereabouts of where Gary Wilmot is hiding. They follow the clues to more clues and it’s a gigantic treasure hunt where Wilmers is the pot of gold waiting at the end. The first contestants to find him win a luxury hamper and get to perform a duet with Gary, on stage, at the local karaoke bar. We move around to a different city each week so we can really take in the sights up and down the country. The hampers can offer various local produce. I can even get some of my meat balls in there to really seal the deal in a wigwam.

Wilmers will, as a bonus, secretly stalk the contestants as they look for him with a view to offering a post-modern take on the gameshow format. He will also interview passers-by, usually dressed in a hilarious disguise, so nobody knows who he is.

This cannot fail. With the right financial backing I know that I can get this project up and running in time for the Autumn schedule. Start sending your money right now, please!

User avatar Mrs Miggins is up to no good

Back in April, we learned that Mrs Miggins was redeveloping the heart of her enormous property empire. 75 Farringdon Road, the fine property where either Ian or I fell head over heels in love with the lucrative old crone, had the builders in.

I’ve been back to see what she’s done with the place, and I have to say I’m shocked. Take a look for yourself.

A respectable office building, you think to yourself. A fine example of the tasteful architecture and prime locations that have made Mrs Miggins the property magnate she is today.

I thought so too. But then I noticed something. Have you seen it? Look closer.

There it is. Miggins has handed her shiny new building over to Richard Sisskind of the Crossland Otter Hunt – the only UK hunt that chases otters across land and, presumably, then kills them in horrible ways.

Otters don’t deserve this. Otters are lovely. And I demand to know why Mrs Miggins – once the love of my, or maybe Ian’s, life – has taken on this brutal new pastime.

One thing is for sure. We will not be moving the Pouring Beans office to 75 Farringdon Road. No need to send me those fivers.

User avatar New Scientific Breakthrough

It has been a while since I delved into the wonderful world of writing and, following the celebration of my work by Chris last year in his wonderful post, I thought it was only right that I set about on a new project. The fans have been very patient so prior to the announcement through the mailing list I decided to officially let everyone know what I have been working on through the winter months.

Science; such a curious enigma, so many unanswered questions. It litters the streets with everything yet gives nothing back unless you’re willing to throw your legs in. If you breathe, you’re breathing science. If you sit on a bench, that’s science. Have you eaten a sandwich recently? That’s you tasting science. Whatever you’re wearing today that’s a big ole’ pile of science right there. I have personally stared into the eyes of science and feel as though I am now qualified to explain a small piece of the pie to those less fortunate.

Human beings? More like human doings and human goings. They may want you to believe that you are experiencing a wide range of emotions, they you are actually feeling more than really are. When you really take the time to review what it is to be a human you can pretty much allocate everything into two distinct categories:

(a) Confused
(b) Aroused

If you’re reading this you must be a human (or a dog with human eyes) so you know what I mean. All those times you felt “sad” or “hungry” it wasn’t that at all, someone put those words in your mouth. Let’s run through a few examples to explain the point:

Scenario 1

My hamster ran away, joined the circus and is now sending me hate mail in the post because I didn’t change his water as frequently as he wanted. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Confused. You don’t know why your pet of three weeks has unleashed a hell of correspondence upon you. You may feel tears coming down your cheek but really it’s confusion.

Scenario 2

I am beside myself with “hunger”. I did not have any breakfast this morning and due to a heavy workload I will not be able to get out for a proper lunch. I guess I will have to settle for whatever meagre rations I have blurge from the vending machines. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Aroused. All food is sex. You’re craving sex. That pang that you feel in your belly is nothing to do with wanting a Boots meal deal, you need the sensual touch of a woman / man / non-binary whatchamacallit.

Scenario 3

Black Lace have reformed, it is the original line-up and they are touring the country. It has been (I don’t know) thirty years since they last did so and the tickets go on sale tomorrow. You can feel the excitement, the rush and the stress of needing to be online exactly at 9:00am for those once-in-a-lifetime tickets. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Aroused (and probably a little confused). Excitement is joy, joy is pleasure, pleasure is sex. You’re like a bear rubbing itself up against a tree. Why are you getting aroused at the thought of seeing Black Lace live? That’s why you’re also confused.

Light is green, trap is clean. I hope you can all appreciate the amount of effort that I have put into this scientific development; it has taken almost three days to put my findings into works that you non-sciencers would understand. You’re welcome, by the way.

I expect to finish my book in the summer, to be printed (and not set on fire) in autumn.