Avatar Phrase phase competition – Feb

Given that it’s three days away from the end of the month, I realise I could or should have posted this earlier in the month. Gah, what does it matter? As long as it gets shunted into February thats all that matters.

Here we are then, back to take on another batch of future zingers (not fingers, spellcheck) for the human race. Who knows, in a few years time one of these phrases might be doing the rounds. And where did it originate? Right here, baby, where all the action’s going down. Yeah.

Another five efforts to moisturise your eyes, your minds and your pockets (?):

  • I’m going to tell you what I told Eamonn Holmes, <insert anything> – I still stand by this, it’s a superb expression and soon will have its day in the sun
  • Gosh golly grapefruit! – an exclamation to express shock or surprise. Might be a bit too middle class
  • Out the way, grandad, I’ve got bitches to feed – a work in progress
  • Suck my magenta, and then some – could be an insult but also could be misconstrued as a sign off for some hip home decorating TV programme (although you’d never catch Anna Ryder Richardson spouting language like that)
  • Life has so many pieces, like a jigsaw. Make sure the box you have is big enough to hold all of them – wistful, knowing, definitely feels as though it should be up on a wall with, ‘Live Laugh Love’

A middling series of musings thats for sure.

I er promise I’ll try harder next time.

Avatar Are you sure about that?

Picture the scene.

It’s the year 2034. The future is finally here. All those exciting opportunities you’ve been waiting for are finally at your fingertips.

You’ve decided that now is the time to open that restaurant of your own you’ve been dreaming of. Years of working in menial jobs for awful bosses. You’ve saved some money, not enough to buy a business but for a deposit to convince the bank to loan you the rest to get you started.

You scout out a great location in and up and coming area. Plenty of footfall to ensure a healthy turn out in that first shaky year or two. Once the word gets out though you know you’ll have to turn people away, you’ll be that popular. You’ve got a killer menu lined up, stuff that people have never considered before, and you’ve also got the talent to back it up.

Everything is in place. Now, all you need is a memorable name to seal the deal in a wigwam.

Avatar Further culture in the workplace

You might recall that, in years gone by, I made attempts to introduce a little high-minded art to the banal surroundings of a toilet at work, first with a renaissance masterpiece and then with something a little more abstract. More recently, an unknown colleague of mine got in on the act with an artwork of a different kind.

Well, once again the joyless drudges from facilities management have noticed something amiss and taken action. There can be no pleasure and no enjoyment. The A5 picture frame in the men’s toilet is not there to hold a picture, it is there to be empty, and so they have emptied it.

Not to worry. I don’t give up that easily. We have been through realism, abstract art and pop culture. I decided it’s time for the postmodern. Time for meta-art.

I present to you my masterpiece.

This, I think, has two really great positives.

  1. It makes a bold statement about the banality of a world where the corporate system can only tolerate the existence of a picture frame if it is empty, and asks, in the cultural desert of the workplace, is the frame itself the only art that can be permitted?
  2. It is the same colour as everything around it so they might not notice it for a long time.

Once again, the game is afoot. Let’s see how long this one lasts.

Avatar YouTube promo

Hey guys, Face Uncle back to rock your world.

I’ve been trying out some new things on my channel, based on comments and questions from YOU in the discord. They’re some pretty wild ideas and I’m all for it.

Here’s a little teaser for my upcoming video, which will be uploaded at the usual time of 4.00pm on Friday. Every Friday.

I’ve really gone through the looking glass here, guys, and I’m hoping you’ll join me for the ride.

There’ll also be some YouTube shorts showing all my usual outtakes and there are TONS so be sure to keep an eye out for these.

Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe!

Avatar We are all last minuters

You run a remarkably successful (?) website. You need to come up with content every single month to entertain the millions (?) of punters who keep turning up for laughs (?).

Okay, I’ll stop there.

If you ever needed proof that despite our best intentions, we all normally earn a bean by scraping something up on the last day of the month then here it is:

I did a screenshot with an even longer list but I think I may have deleted it and/or it got lost in the hundreds of baby orb photos I’ve taken since September.

Hey, we’re all human. Coming up with new and entertaining ideas is hard when you lead such busy lifestyles such as ourselves. I’m not going to beat myself up over something as trivial as this. I’m going to listen to the weird whistling sound the radiator in the dining room makes now that we’ve had a new boiler installed and smile.

Avatar Cloves? No idea

The world is full of mysteries. There are so many things that we still don’t fully understand. I personally struggle to understand a lot of things. Sometimes it’s easier to make up your own ideas than taking the time to read a book and get the jist. That’s 50% of parenting anyway, making your kid believe that you have all the answers.

Oh, you expect to get them from me? Don’t be silly, I can’t answer your questions. Who do you think I am? I’m no science master like Kevin, all I’ve got are my street smarts and the money maker (aka my viso / volto).

That’s all I got.

Have you ever considered cloves? What they are? Where they come from? No, me neither. Cloves are a thing that is and you have to accept them regardless. The sooner you do the sooner we can all move on.

You still want me to explain them? Go on then.

You might think that cloves are the aromatic flower buds of a tree in the family Myrtaceae Syzyglum aromaticum, but you’d be totally wrong. They’re really toenails from donkeys that have been “lightly spiced” with effervescent apples and fervent aggression. Put it this way; have you ever put a clove in your mouth and felt happy? No. No you haven’t, and if you have then you’re a liar.

Cloves are made bitter to suck the very life out of you. There’s all this talk of helping with looking after your teeth and improving the flavour of your cooking and it’s all nonsense. They want you miserable and they will stop at nothing to turn you into a brittle, chafing dish of a man. They taste of misery squared. Do me a favour and steer clear of cloves.

Avatar Dog name taxonomy

Pets accrue nicknames like boats attract barnacles; we know this instinctively. Names evolve and grow organically as time goes on. But has anyone ever tried to pin this process down using science?

Until today, no. Enter Christopher J. 5156, scientist, to bring order to this world. I have methodically pinned down the names we use for our brilliant dog and charted their evolution to show how two original terms – “Fizz”, which is the dog’s actual name, and “dog”, which is what the dog actually is – have evolved into the names we now use for her. (Nobody ever calls her Fizz.)

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