Phrase phase competition – March

This time I tried much harder. Promise.

Another month in the pot (?), another round of potential life-changing phrases to waft past your glorious eye holes. I can see that you’re all gleaming and desperate to know what’s what. You can guarantee that whatever I’ve got, it won’t be handed to you crimsonly, that’s for sure.

Could you be anymore excited? I doubt it. Here’s five more word lines to baffle your friends and influence your peers with:

Control Alt Discreet! – something to whisper when you’re trying to keep a low profile and someone accidentally steps on a clown horn
You got your set squares all mixed up, Sigmund – catchy catchphrase for mid-tier US sitcom. Laughter track provided where required
Smift me all the way to the bank – a made up word handily inserted into a sentence most people use on a daily basis. You can decide what it actually means
May angels lead you in and devils drag you out again – cool guy phrase for when you’re about to blow some mother away, possibly at the end of a film
Fox me up, fox me RIGHT up – a solid exclamation for when your friends decide to drag you on a night out to cheer you up and you want to look your best

As we can all agree, the calibre of this month is a hundred times better than February. I believe I’m on a bit of a roll and I still have a few tasty morsels put aside for April, you lucky, lucky people.

(Although between you and I, the word ‘grapefruit’ snuck its way into another one of these for some reason. What is it with me and grapefruit?)

As always, if you have any of your own suggestions send them my way and I’ll consider both it and you.

Creamy cookies

You want a little treat in the afternoon. Something to give you a bit of a sugar rush to propel you through the rest of the working day. Something to dunk in your tea.

A biscuit would be nice. But a biscuit is missing that special something. What would be better?

I know. What if it was creamy. A creamy cookie. Well, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

Help yourself and dive in to the creamiest cookies you’ve ever known. How can a liquid be so crunchy? We don’t know. We just know that they’re so, so creamy.

YouTube Promo 2

Hey guys, Face Uncle back to rock your world.

There was a pretty heated debate in the Discord channel about a week or so ago. I love it when you get passionate about things, guys, and I support everything you say 100%.

It inspired me to get productive.

Here’s a little teaser for my new video coming to you LIVE and FRESH at 4.00pm on Friday. Every Friday.

I dared myself to eat as much cornflakes as possible. It was pretty insane, guys, because you never know what’s gonna happen next! I hope you’ll turn up to find out.

Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe!

Am I losing my mind?

There I was, aimlessly looking at my Facebook account.

Do you remember how much you faffed about with Facebook when you first got it? Adding in all your likes, favourite bands and films, trying to find people you used to go to school with and sending them a friend request. Poking, apparently, still exists. You can still poke people even now and a lot of people I know are still poking each other (waaaaaay!) so that’s good to know. It was all pretty pointless.

I still get notifications of memories of things and a lot of them are random statuses I typed trying to be funny and failing miserably. Sometimes they’re photos of Reuben or silly things he said as a tiny baby orb. Today was slightly different.

I was linked to something I’d written circa 2008. A short script for something called ‘Cockitt and Pullit’. This was episode two so I must have been on a roll. I glanced briefly at the script before my current orb needed something and I had to switch it off, and made a note in my head to come back later on for a proper read.

I tried to look it up now and it’s gone. The memories have moved onto something else. I sifted through all the various (mostly pointless) pages trying to find where it could be hiding. I’m convinced there used to be a kind of notebook where you could write and store things. Wherever that is hiding must have my scripts for whatever this Cockitt and Pullit thing.

It was a cop drama, probably stupid as we all know the kind of humour 2008 Ian was packing. I’d completely forgotten I’d written them and for now they remain unseen by my judgemental eyes. I’m sure they’re not worth the paper they’re written on, yet if they’re part of my legacy I want them back for future generations to, well, to have.

Except… it’s not mine. If you Google it apparently it was Chris Moyles’ idea, which makes me even more confused. There are references to it in his blog from around the same time. Now I feel like I’m completely losing my mind and I made the whole thing up.

Sometimes remembering isn’t fun.

From the archives: Ian’s essay

A billion years ago, Ian and I had the use of a teacher’s office at school. When we left school we missed this tightly controlled social space, and a wave of nostalgia washed over us in the aimless days between finishing sixth form and starting to live in the real world.

While still feeling the aftershocks, Ian put pen to paper and wrote this essay about his time there, which for some reason I have on an old hard drive.

A small SSSSSS-SSSSSS-Essay by Dave

Why did I love the office? Well, being four score 90 years and a bit, I feel it is my duty as an ex-member of the office to explain to the people who never experienced the office (clumsy heathens!) because it is inexplainable. Don’t think you can stop me. I have credentials now, and a bank account. Do you know where most of the money go… anyway

The office, a stalwart if ever there was a stalwart. I remember the first time walking in there; I didn’t have a fucking clue what to think. There was this guy who I remember playing P.E. with, mainly cos we both sucked at it (George). There was this guy who sat at the back of my Biology class in year 9 and everyone knew his name, I just kinda didn’t know who the hell he was, well my back was turned to him so it’s not my fault (Chuckie). And another guy called Marshall, who looked like Kelly Jones (although he claims he isn’t). Alex was there too, twas a brisk and subtle morning sometime in a year. I started off as a cleaner and rose to the ranks of an equal amongst the others. We had a government and all. There were many times my head hurt and we ate biscuits. Thankyou goodnight!

…… …….. …….

Was that clear enough or is it just me? Ok, so we were a bit nerdish but that wasn’t the point! We had a place to go that was warm, safe, full of food, nearby, had a computer to play music and doss about with, and a private table to do work on if we could be arsed. I couldn’t. Chuckie did when it was 5 minutes before his Geography lesson. George did most of his at home and Marshall hardly ever turned up to Art. Yet we all still passed EVERYTHING so it just goes to show, you can get away with it. Thankyou goodnight!

….. ………………….. blip

In all honesty school was fucking fuckshit. The only reason to bother going was the office. It will always remain in our hearts, and remind us not to take life seriously as a wise young Greecian once told me, “Life is for living” and ain’t that the truth baby!

By Dave – 30 minutes before work

Speccy four eyes

As you will be aware, the relentless march of time has taken its toll on my previously top notch eyeballs, and I am now officially a man in need of glasses. Only just – it’s a very slight prescription for reading small text – but this is the start of a slippery slope and, if my optician is to be believed, I’ll be squinting at the world through lenses like the bottom of a jam jar in no time.

Anyway, all of this means that I now have to choose a new facial accessory, so today I spent some time choosing what my face will now look like, or at least what it will look like in the moments where I’m trying to read small writing at close range.

I’m not going to tell you which ones I chose – that will be a cliffhanger that helps me wring out another post – but I can show you some of the options.

Please enjoy this gallery of my face wearing what we can refer to as Candidate Spectacles, and let me know if you think you can spot the ones I went for in the end.

A touching tribute

Walking through London recently, I came across what would otherwise be just another shop selling tacky shite to tourists.

I nearly ignored it completely until I noticed the act of public service they were performing. The whole of the shop window was not being used to sell their tasteless wares. Instead, it had been given over entirely to display a deeply moving tribute, providing a focus for the grief and gratitude of all those passing by.

In the window was this.

Yes. It’s Queen Elizabeth II, with Marilyn Monroe’s hair.

Just how we all remember her.

Phrase phase competition – Feb

Given that it’s three days away from the end of the month, I realise I could or should have posted this earlier in the month. Gah, what does it matter? As long as it gets shunted into February thats all that matters.

Here we are then, back to take on another batch of future zingers (not fingers, spellcheck) for the human race. Who knows, in a few years time one of these phrases might be doing the rounds. And where did it originate? Right here, baby, where all the action’s going down. Yeah.

Another five efforts to moisturise your eyes, your minds and your pockets (?):

I’m going to tell you what I told Eamonn Holmes, <insert anything> – I still stand by this, it’s a superb expression and soon will have its day in the sun
Gosh golly grapefruit! – an exclamation to express shock or surprise. Might be a bit too middle class
Out the way, grandad, I’ve got bitches to feed – a work in progress
Suck my magenta, and then some – could be an insult but also could be misconstrued as a sign off for some hip home decorating TV programme (although you’d never catch Anna Ryder Richardson spouting language like that)
Life has so many pieces, like a jigsaw. Make sure the box you have is big enough to hold all of them – wistful, knowing, definitely feels as though it should be up on a wall with, ‘Live Laugh Love’

A middling series of musings thats for sure.

I er promise I’ll try harder next time.