Big Ian

We all know how slow bureaucracy can be. Fill in the forms and wait years for action. Call every day only to be put on hold with no explanation. But eventually it all pays off.

We all know that fathers of grown ups are Big. Our lives have been overseen by these titans of parenthood. But one among us has reached this status for themselves, and now – despite cutbacks in the civil service and the lack of urgency in the postal system – his official certificate has arrived.

It’s time for us to acknowledge Big Ian.

Newsboost – All is well in Benwell

Shock news today as an area in the North East of England has been crowned the World Health Organisation’s top place for mental health.

Benwell, an area in the West end of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, has been given the accolade by the WHO after it was voted the best place to improve your sense of well-being, but it wasn’t an easy ride and did involve a drastic last minute name change.

“First impressions are everything and Benwell has been giving out the wrong kind for years now,” says local councillor Felicity Dropping. “We decided that it was time for a change and so some of the local school children suggested changing the name. All it took was erasing one letter. It certainly saved a lot of money when updating all the nearby signs.”

Benwell, now christened Be Well, has had a flurry of tourists visiting the area since the name change.

“It’s amazing how drastically everything has changed. We weren’t even trying for any kind of award. We used to be known for our crime statistics and now we’re known for our easy going nature and herbal teas.”

The place has seen a 700% rise in tourism since the name change, an unprecedented amount all things considered. This has mostly been Europeans, with a huge collection of Danish shoe makers flooding the town. The Local Authority are also looking to invest in the area to capitalise on this good will.

“We’re hoping Starbucks are going to build one of their drive through coffee shops, that will really add a touch of class,” Felicity continued, “we’ve also seen interest from McDonalds, McVitties and Donald’s dodecahedrons. Its such an exciting time for everyone involved.”

Only time will tell if Be Well will stay well.

Public Glasses

Now that I am visually challenged, I have come to understand the true value of seeing things. For so many years I took for granted my ability to just point my eyes at something and see it properly. Now my feeble oculus needs prosthetic assistance, I realise what a gift sight can be. I’ve been a fool all these years. An ignorant fool. An ignorant fool with 20:20 vision.

That is why I have started a campaign: Public Glasses.

My new charitable organisation will place glasses at strategic points across the UK, so that everyone can look at things no matter where they are.

No longer will you need to squint at a blurry landscape or the fuzzy remnants of an Iron Age hill fort. Whenever you feel the need to direct your peepers at something, just grope around at your barely identifiable surroundings, and there you’ll find a pair of specs, placed there for the benefit of the nation by Public Glasses.

I’ve made a start by filling my local park with glasses, and I encourage you to do the same. Then, when you’ve done that, donate all your money to my charity. Together we’ll bring the gift of eyesight to the masses.

The thin door

The door is thin. Really thin.

The sign on the door is French. Really French.

Whatever is inside is a secret. The door is locked. Locked with a thin key. A thin, French key.

What could be inside? Only the thinnest French treasure.

Perhaps the recipe for the perfect baguette.

Perhaps a lifetime supply of those chocolate Mikado sticks.

Perhaps the world’s longest tube of LU chocolate biscuits.

Perhaps a string of onions twelve storeys high.

But you will never know, because the thin door is too thin for you to get through.

Too thin and too French.

Scientist needed

Where’s a good scientist when you need one?

In my many travels as orb parent (and by “travels” I mean walking us both to the local Co-op and back), I keep my eyes open for anything that can be used as a Beans post. Anything. With not much going on apart from feeding, nappies and vomiting, and most of that can be attributed to me, I need a little inspiration in order to keep the raw gold coming from my fingers.

As I was preparing to tidy up the kitchen, I clocked the back of a plastic bottle waiting to be washed out before being recycled. It was then that my peepers saw this:

You what?

Partially inverted sugar syrup? Partially inverted?!

Do they need to twist the space time continuum in order to make sure my porridge tastes great?

I need someone with some kind of degree and a knack for science to explain to me what this means. I refuse to Google this like everyone else.

A thing you should watch

Lately I’ve been having a lot of fun watching Guy Montgomery’s Guy Mont-Spelling Bee, which is on iPlayer and I think BBC3. It’s an Australian panel show and it’s really silly. (Guy Montgomery is a New Zealander, and I think it’s run in NZ for several series already, but only the Aussie version is on iPlayer.) It’s genuinely great.

Guy Montgomery clearly knows how dumb the show is and can’t hide how much his stupid jokes and tasks make him laugh, which I find very funny. His assistant is Aaron Chen (I’ve seen him before in Fisk, which you should check out too, it’s a very dry Australian sitcom that we blasted through in no time), who brings an enormous amount of awkwardness to everything he does.

If you need an explanation to get you started, it’s nominally a spelling competition where the guests have to spell words to earn points. But the rounds are all different every time, they’re all enjoyably stupid (spell your hat, spell the name of the random audience member, spell the celebrity name while doing an impression of the celebrity) and some are explicitly designed to give the guests a really hard time (spell the ethnicity of the mystery guest). I don’t know who the guests are, with the exception of Tim Minchin, but that doesn’t seem to matter. They’re just comedians falling into elaborately built spelling traps.

Please enjoy this thing I have also enjoyed. Thank you.

Phrase phase competition – April

We’re back again, like a lingering distant family member you’ve not seen for over a decade who now won’t leave you alone because he or she needs investment for their new business idea; lemon shorts.

Phew. Glad I changed my number after the first eleven missed calls.

Can we keep mining that rich seam that resulted in March’s gold? Let’s see:

Take that language and fold it up, turkey – sassy comeback for some sassy character you’ve been saving for a rainy day
Sweet Petunia! – an exclamation that suits every single situation you could possibly imagine, also makes you look really smart
Leave the beef on the bench – telling your co-worker that the stapler war they’re engaging that tool from the other department with isn’t worth their time
Double denim venom – when your friends don’t understand your fashion sense
Comma comma hashtag, whaaaat? – you know you’re the comic relief if you’re coming out with gems like this

I bet there’s one in there that you NEVER thought you’d ever see again. You know what? You’ve only yourself to blame because I had forgotten it until you mentioned it. Ha ha!

Anyway, keep all your suggestions (or any suggestions whatsoever) coming in. When we reach halfway through the year, I’ll bring forth the best so far into some kind of mega poll based on feedback received.

Yah boo sucks.

The many states of Daisy

I heard that Kev really loves posts about doggos so I decided to do one of my own. We wouldn’t want him missing out now, would we?

Daisy doesn’t have as many names as Fizz does. Not even close. She doesn’t actually have other names, they’re more like states. In certain situations she changes into something else and is no longer Daisy.

It’s best explained in the following very expensive-looking CGI AI graphic below.

It’s very simple:

A) FOMO – if we all leave the room at the same time, Daisy will follow shortly thereafter. She likes to come on her own terms and make it seem like it was her decision, when really she doesn’t want to miss out so she’ll scoot along quick sharpish

B) ET – very specific circumstances when she is mostly covered by a blanket and resembles ET when he’s hiding in the basket on the front of the bike

C) Baby inspector – if the Orb is lying on the floor, Daisy will come over and sniff him. It’s as if she’s checking he’s okay, like some kind of inspector. I’m sure all inspectors smell what they’re inspecting, right?

D) Meerkat – in order to see what’s going on outside, she’ll stand on her hind legs to get maximum visibility. This one speaks for itself

I will be sure to update you all if any further states are discovered.

Hope you enjoyed the post, Kev.