In my many travels as orb parent (and by “travels” I mean walking us both to the local Co-op and back), I keep my eyes open for anything that can be used as a Beans post. Anything. With not much going on apart from feeding, nappies and vomiting, and most of that can be attributed to me, I need a little inspiration in order to keep the raw gold coming from my fingers.
As I was preparing to tidy up the kitchen, I clocked the back of a plastic bottle waiting to be washed out before being recycled. It was then that my peepers saw this:
Lately I’ve been having a lot of fun watching Guy Montgomery’s Guy Mont-Spelling Bee, which is on iPlayer and I think BBC3. It’s an Australian panel show and it’s really silly. (Guy Montgomery is a New Zealander, and I think it’s run in NZ for several series already, but only the Aussie version is on iPlayer.) It’s genuinely great.
Guy Montgomery clearly knows how dumb the show is and can’t hide how much his stupid jokes and tasks make him laugh, which I find very funny. His assistant is Aaron Chen (I’ve seen him before in Fisk, which you should check out too, it’s a very dry Australian sitcom that we blasted through in no time), who brings an enormous amount of awkwardness to everything he does.
If you need an explanation to get you started, it’s nominally a spelling competition where the guests have to spell words to earn points. But the rounds are all different every time, they’re all enjoyably stupid (spell your hat, spell the name of the random audience member, spell the celebrity name while doing an impression of the celebrity) and some are explicitly designed to give the guests a really hard time (spell the ethnicity of the mystery guest). I don’t know who the guests are, with the exception of Tim Minchin, but that doesn’t seem to matter. They’re just comedians falling into elaborately built spelling traps.
Please enjoy this thing I have also enjoyed. Thank you.
We’re back again, like a lingering distant family member you’ve not seen for over a decade who now won’t leave you alone because he or she needs investment for their new business idea; lemon shorts.
Phew. Glad I changed my number after the first eleven missed calls.
Can we keep mining that rich seam that resulted in March’s gold? Let’s see:
Take that language and fold it up, turkey – sassy comeback for some sassy character you’ve been saving for a rainy day
Sweet Petunia! – an exclamation that suits every single situation you could possibly imagine, also makes you look really smart
Leave the beef on the bench – telling your co-worker that the stapler war they’re engaging that tool from the other department with isn’t worth their time
Double denim venom – when your friends don’t understand your fashion sense
Comma comma hashtag, whaaaat? – you know you’re the comic relief if you’re coming out with gems like this
I bet there’s one in there that you NEVER thought you’d ever see again. You know what? You’ve only yourself to blame because I had forgotten it until you mentioned it. Ha ha!
Anyway, keep all your suggestions (or any suggestions whatsoever) coming in. When we reach halfway through the year, I’ll bring forth the best so far into some kind of mega poll based on feedback received.
I heard that Kev really loves posts about doggos so I decided to do one of my own. We wouldn’t want him missing out now, would we?
Daisy doesn’t have as many names as Fizz does. Not even close. She doesn’t actually have other names, they’re more like states. In certain situations she changes into something else and is no longer Daisy.
It’s best explained in the following very expensive-looking CGI AI graphic below.
It’s very simple:
A) FOMO – if we all leave the room at the same time, Daisy will follow shortly thereafter. She likes to come on her own terms and make it seem like it was her decision, when really she doesn’t want to miss out so she’ll scoot along quick sharpish
B) ET – very specific circumstances when she is mostly covered by a blanket and resembles ET when he’s hiding in the basket on the front of the bike
C) Baby inspector – if the Orb is lying on the floor, Daisy will come over and sniff him. It’s as if she’s checking he’s okay, like some kind of inspector. I’m sure all inspectors smell what they’re inspecting, right?
D) Meerkat – in order to see what’s going on outside, she’ll stand on her hind legs to get maximum visibility. This one speaks for itself
I will be sure to update you all if any further states are discovered.
Pubs all used to be more or less the same, back in the day. Dark brown furniture, brass rail along the bar, limited range of warm beers that were predominantly bitter and included something called “mild”, and the only food offering was pork scratchings.
Nowadays pubs come in a wide spectrum, from the old man boozer to the soft play family carvery. Most pubs serve food of some description. But every now and then you find a pub that is genuinely fancy.
How fancy? Well, now you can find out by scoring your pub against this helpful checklist.
Guest ale on tap: 1 point
Guest gin with home-made marketing display on the bar: 2 points
Man at bar is wearing a gilet and has an extremely large dog asleep at his feet: 1 point
Dog snacks on the bar are in a stylish glass jar: 1 point
Separate “restaurant area” for dining, though you can also eat in the bar if you want: 1 point
“Please wait to be seated” sign in dining area: 2 points
Separate menu for Sunday lunch: 1 point
Separate menu for dogs: 2 points
Exposed wooden beams: 1 point
Exposed wooden beams that are actually structural and may be grade II listed: 2 points
Table service for diners: 1 point
Table service where the waitress is an actual waitress and not one of the bar staff: 2 points
Made-to-order bar snacks available: 1 point
Made-to-order bar snacks feature miniature fish and chips served in one of those fake mesh buckets as though it’s just been lifted out of a deep fat fryer: 2 points
Made-to-order bar snack menu features n’duja, olive tapenade and padrón peppers: 3 points
Men’s toilets do not smell of urinal cakes: 1 point
Men’s toilets look clean: 2 points
Men’s toilets actually are clean: 3 points
Men’s toilets have hand lotion in little squirty bottles by the sink: 5 points
Though you may thinketh long and hard about the answer,
You know nothing in life has ever prepared you for the force of the
It might defrost your chicken pasta bake.
It might defrost your hat or the gloves under the radiator.
Could it be that you call your father and he’s feeling a little warmer than usual, but not too warm in that the main power of the microwave was used? Could it be?
Once that button is pressed, who knows what will happen. Nay nonny no nay, never touch that button.
A few weeks ago I set a little quiz, with pictures of my trying on a range of spectacles, in an attempt to make light of my ongoing ocular deterioration.
Nobody had a go at guessing which ones I would choose, but the answer is these ones, and to thrill and delight you further I am pleased to now present a fashion shoot in which I demonstrate everything my new glasses can do.
It’s official. Now I’m on the bandwagon, spectacles are the new rock and roll.
