At the risk of inducing an episode of PTSD in Kev, I’d like to give you a quick rundown of where we are with the kitchen, one week in.
For a week now the living room has included a fridge, a sofa standing on end, a drinks cabinet, a table, a microwave, a kettle and a toaster. All our meals have either been boiled, toasted or microwaved. The kitchen itself has bare walls, a bare concrete floor (now perfectly level), wires sticking out of holes and pipes that go nowhere. The ceiling has one coat of white paint. As I type this a very tall Polish man is whistling and making loud banging noises and there are a range of half-built cabinets scattered around the room. The rest of the house does not bear thinking about.
For your convenience, I have compiled this list of things you might need and where you will find them.
|Thing||Where you will find it|
|Extra large martini/cocktail glasses||Under the radiator in the spare room.|
|Electric chopper/blender thing||Electrical bit is in a cardboard box underneath two other boxes in the spare room. Blade is in a bag with sharp things that you should avoid putting your hands in. Lid is AWOL.|
|Candles||In a plastic bag underneath the Uno cards in the fold-down part of the drinks cabinet.|
|Dining table||In pieces, under a blanket in the spare room, behind the chairs.|
|Dining room light fitting||Glass shades are under a collection of tea towels on top of the chest of drawers in the bedroom. Wires and metal bits and bulbs are casually scattered on top of boxes in the spare room.|
|Bag of quinces from the bit of our quince tree that hangs over the neighbours’ fence, brought round by the neighbours||Under the Flash Speedmop refills and a recipe book, on the shelf in the utility room next to the recycling.|
|Jar of ground cinnamon||One is in the bag of herbs, spices, condiments and oils in the spare room. Another one is in the bag of pasta, rice and tins. Another one is in the bag of snacks and biscuits.|
|Cat bowl, including remnants of cat’s previous meal||Next to the wifi router in the hall, behind several pairs of shoes and some old post.|
|Skirting boards from the dining room||In the garage, balanced on top of two old pallets and the saddle of a bicycle.|
|Sultanas||In a drawer in the living room next to the Ryvita and a bottle of maple syrup.|