Avatar Kitchen guide

At the risk of inducing an episode of PTSD in Kev, I’d like to give you a quick rundown of where we are with the kitchen, one week in.

For a week now the living room has included a fridge, a sofa standing on end, a drinks cabinet, a table, a microwave, a kettle and a toaster. All our meals have either been boiled, toasted or microwaved. The kitchen itself has bare walls, a bare concrete floor (now perfectly level), wires sticking out of holes and pipes that go nowhere. The ceiling has one coat of white paint. As I type this a very tall Polish man is whistling and making loud banging noises and there are a range of half-built cabinets scattered around the room. The rest of the house does not bear thinking about.

For your convenience, I have compiled this list of things you might need and where you will find them.

ThingWhere you will find it
Extra large martini/cocktail glassesUnder the radiator in the spare room.
Electric chopper/blender thingElectrical bit is in a cardboard box underneath two other boxes in the spare room. Blade is in a bag with sharp things that you should avoid putting your hands in. Lid is AWOL.
CandlesIn a plastic bag underneath the Uno cards in the fold-down part of the drinks cabinet.
Dining tableIn pieces, under a blanket in the spare room, behind the chairs.
Dining room light fittingGlass shades are under a collection of tea towels on top of the chest of drawers in the bedroom. Wires and metal bits and bulbs are casually scattered on top of boxes in the spare room.
Bag of quinces from the bit of our quince tree that hangs over the neighbours’ fence, brought round by the neighboursUnder the Flash Speedmop refills and a recipe book, on the shelf in the utility room next to the recycling.
Jar of ground cinnamonOne is in the bag of herbs, spices, condiments and oils in the spare room. Another one is in the bag of pasta, rice and tins. Another one is in the bag of snacks and biscuits.
Cat bowl, including remnants of cat’s previous mealNext to the wifi router in the hall, behind several pairs of shoes and some old post.
Skirting boards from the dining roomIn the garage, balanced on top of two old pallets and the saddle of a bicycle.
SultanasIn a drawer in the living room next to the Ryvita and a bottle of maple syrup.

11 comments on “Kitchen guide

  • There are two key things of note here:

    1. Who picks fruit off a tree hanging into their garden and then returns it to the owner of the tree?
    2. You have a cat?

  • 1. Our neighbours do, having thought they were apples, tried to eat one, discovered that they were actually quince which are inedible without cooking, and then decided to get rid of them. They did precisely the same last year so we expect they’ll be getting another apple surprise next year too.
    2. No. But a cat is now admitting herself freely into our house and spending most of her time here. The neighbours still think they own her but she is spurning them in favour of our chaotic domain. I’m not sure why.

  • Yes. Maybe limber up with a camping stove, and then use a kitchenette to get into your stride. Only then will it be time for you to “do a kitchen”. (Ugh.)

  • I might do that and then a few practise kitchens before the real deal. I’ll buy a garage and do it out, fill it with cupboards and fridges, stack it up with cookers and microwaves. Yes, that sounds sensible.

  • That’s great. Like a kitchen building equivalent of a soft play centre. You’d have a lovely time adjusting your hinges and trimming your plinths in there.

  • Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! (what?)

    They do have adult soft play centres (which surely must turn into organised orgies after a certain point in the day) so why not a kitchen building one? This sounds very *does the little window thing* marketable.

  • I’ve never heard of an adult soft play centre but I’d definitely have a go in one. Especially if I could build a kitchen in there. That sounds great.

  • You can also play the video game ‘Driver’ but you have to play it as though you are an actual driver and obey all the rules of the highway code in America. No jumping through boxes for you.

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