Avatar Northwards

We all knew it would happen one day, and now it has. I am moving to the North.

Not the North of England, of course. No. Don’t be silly. The commute would be interminable. No, “the North” clearly means “North London”, as anyone safely cushioned within London’s self-obsessed bubble will tell you.

This important change will bring a number of new and exciting features to my life.

  1. I will be commuting to work on a London Tubular Train (described previously on the Beans here, in case you are not familiar with this novel mode of transport).
  2. I will be living in a district of London known as “Ruislip”, which is a complete mystery to me apart from being the setting of every single domestic sitcom of the 1970s. I will therefore be mostly wearing beige flares and a pudding bowl haircut upon moving, and will likely make borderline racist double entendres towards my neighbours to a soundtrack of slide whistles and canned laughter.
  3. I will be closer to the actual North of England than before and reaching me from the outside world will involve significantly less time hacking through the impenetrable jungle of London.
  4. I will no longer have a toilet in every room. (This will be inconvenient but I will have to get used to it.)

I await your warm congratulations on this momentous news, but am realistic about the fact that the state of the Beans lately means I’m basically talking to myself here.

13 comments on “Northwards

  • Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not talking to yourself, you’re conversing alone. There’s a subtle difference.

  • The beans is in a fine a state as its ever been in dear boy, I’ll not have you disparage its good standing so flippantly.

    Also, That’s not the north. You’ve become one of ‘them’ haven’t you?

  • I’ve been one of “them” for ages. You just didn’t notice because you were busy wallpapering and spawning.

  • I’m sure there’s a video somewhere which would definitely show the difference between you then and you now. The you you are now is very much “one of them.”


  • Yes, me now is more themmy than me then, which was more thenny but not very themmy. Now I’m much less then and much more them.


  • You hit the sweet spot of fact with that statement, sir. Well done.

  • It’s hard to believe the levels of thenniness I had back then. It’s like I drained a whole tank of it and filled it up with themminess instead, a quality I now have in abundance.

    (I literally can’t even watch that.)

  • Is it because of the sheer volume of then that your mind can’t comprehend? Does everyone of them know how then you were once?

  • I have absolutely no idea what I just said, but it felt good to say it.

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