User avatarNorthwards

We all knew it would happen one day, and now it has. I am moving to the North.

Not the North of England, of course. No. Don’t be silly. The commute would be interminable. No, “the North” clearly means “North London”, as anyone safely cushioned within London’s self-obsessed bubble will tell you.

This important change will bring a number of new and exciting features to my life.

  1. I will be commuting to work on a London Tubular Train (described previously on the Beans here, in case you are not familiar with this novel mode of transport).
  2. I will be living in a district of London known as “Ruislip”, which is a complete mystery to me apart from being the setting of every single domestic sitcom of the 1970s. I will therefore be mostly wearing beige flares and a pudding bowl haircut upon moving, and will likely make borderline racist double entendres towards my neighbours to a soundtrack of slide whistles and canned laughter.
  3. I will be closer to the actual North of England than before and reaching me from the outside world will involve significantly less time hacking through the impenetrable jungle of London.
  4. I will no longer have a toilet in every room. (This will be inconvenient but I will have to get used to it.)

I await your warm congratulations on this momentous news, but am realistic about the fact that the state of the Beans lately means I’m basically talking to myself here.

13 comments to Northwards

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not talking to yourself, you’re conversing alone. There’s a subtle difference.

  • The beans is in a fine a state as its ever been in dear boy, I’ll not have you disparage its good standing so flippantly.

    Also, That’s not the north. You’ve become one of ‘them’ haven’t you?

  • I’ve been one of “them” for ages. You just didn’t notice because you were busy wallpapering and spawning.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I’m sure there’s a video somewhere which would definitely show the difference between you then and you now. The you you are now is very much “one of them.”


  • Yes, me now is more themmy than me then, which was more thenny but not very themmy. Now I’m much less then and much more them.


  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You hit the sweet spot of fact with that statement, sir. Well done.

  • There is a video. I think this proves just how thenny and not themmy you were back when you weren’t them…

  • It’s hard to believe the levels of thenniness I had back then. It’s like I drained a whole tank of it and filled it up with themminess instead, a quality I now have in abundance.

    (I literally can’t even watch that.)

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Is it because of the sheer volume of then that your mind can’t comprehend? Does everyone of them know how then you were once?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I have absolutely no idea what I just said, but it felt good to say it.

  • It felt good to read it too. I just didn’t understand it.

  • That’s a shame. I need to work on things that can be understood and read simultaneously.

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