Avatar A Question of Science – Kev’s Legs

Science has taught us a great deal of things. Without it there would be no way of calculating a pound minute accurately nor would we have the tools with which to create the Wheel of Thrusting (TM). I think we can all agree that with science around, we’ve all got mugs brimming with joy.

There are still certain questions though that evade even the brightest of minds. To try and ponder these would drive a man insane or something like it. You would find him stood in a queue at Boots trying to buy some nutmeg with a sock full of eyelids.

The most elusive member of the Beans community, Kevin “I hate waiting” Hill, is notable for drinking the dirtiest tea imaginable, for making creative balloon animals out of the stickiest of computer dib-dabs and for having legs that defy gravity and a few other laws of science. His legs have featured on the cover of ‘New Scientist’ several times over the years mainly due to the scientific community trying to work out a way of measuring how long they are. There isn’t a tool made for a distance as great as this. The mathematical algorithm is so complex that the letters and numbers haven’t been invented yet. Stephen Hawkins once tried to measure Kev’s legs with a trundle wheel and got lost around his ankles. It’s just not possible.

Polar explorer, Eric Larson, gathered together a twelve man team with a view to getting an accurate reading. With a dozen huskies and those awful food pouches you pour hot water in and it somehow makes a mush that tastes like a roast dinner, they set off in late September 2011 for the summit. After three days they couldn’t find a water supply and ended up circumnavigating back to the toes having only made, what they believed to be, about a twelfth of the way there. We only know this because of the diary entries that were found by the reconnaissance team a month later. All members of the group are currently missing to this day.

The Beano ran a competition in 2005 for the readers to try and guess how long Kev’s legs are. The winner was Daisy Slanderbelly from Wolverhampton with a very sensible estimate of twelve billion jellybeans. This is still, however, yet to be proven.

The truth is that we will probably never know how far Kev’s legs stretch off into the distance. Some mathematicians have theorised that they never stop, they never run out and they continue forever. The universe may be ever-expanding and so are Kev’s legs; you can try but you will never reach the end. We should all take solace in the fact that sometimes questions don’t need an answer and will never be fully answered.

Another mystery not really solved!

12 comments on “A Question of Science – Kev’s Legs

  • Its the wangular region. I have suggested for years, that these ‘scientists’ should start there and repel down, thus removing the fatigue of near-constant vertical climbing, however they’ve yet to develop ropes that are either long enough or light enough for the job.

  • It’s true. Sebastian “Ropey” Ropelton tried several times during his illustrious career at ‘Ropes, Ropes and more Ropes’ and never found the right combination of tweed and havoc, the key ingredients in rope.

  • One would hope that any rope descent expedition would find somewhere other than the wang itself to tether the rope.

  • I heard they started out with plans for a bollock harness but found the variable altitude of each knacker was unsuitable for tethering.

  • “Look North” was what the mountaineers were going to shout if the wang showed signs of shifting position while they were mid-rope.

  • Yes. When I was little, he’d sit me on his knee at story time, take my gently by the shoulders, look deep into my eyes, and say, “Son, you don’t want to be caught mid-rope when the wang is showing signs of shifting positions”. It’s only as I’ve grown older that I’ve come to fully understand the wisdom of those words.

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