Someone had to say something.

There we are, having a good ole friendly chat at the Winston when this Chris guy starts talking about some formal occasion he’s organising. Nice one, right?

Wrong. He’s got it all wrong. What should be an easy win with an open goal turns into an own goal which smells of bad eggs and then renames all the roads in England and Wales without telling him, and they’re super silly names too that you’ll never remember.

I get the impression he’s never been to a village fête, let alone sorted one out. Here’s all the information we have so far:

What he does have:

• A carousel
• A big event (possibly involving cars)
• Everyone turning up in formal dress

What he doesn’t have:

• A craft tent full of bickering old ladies
• A white elephant stall selling all the piddling crap people got for Christmas that were too embarrassed to drop off at a charity shop
• A man with a laser who loves lasering names into pieces of wood, metal and any other material that’s safe for his laser
• Whack-a-rat (sometimes known as ‘Splat the rat’)
• A cake stall where someone has mislabelled the prices so a full fruitcake is 99p but a single scone is £4.99
• An announcer who is so muffled by feedback nobody can tell what he or she is saying
• Terrible weather halfway through that clears up after 8 minutes, giving all the old people something to talk about for the rest of the afternoon

As you can see, there’s a lot of work that needs doing in a very short period of time. I’m also sure I’ve missed a few obvious ones there.

I would recommend the services of Kevin “been doing this 30 years, bruh” Hill because he’s been, well, you probably get the jist. The experience and expertise he can bring will be invaluable and will ensure that Chris and his village fête are quintessentially perfect in the eyes of everyone who attends. The eyes are all that matter.

I’ll bring a bag of pennies and the overwhelming optimism of a man who hasn’t watched the news for two decades.