Good afternoon, sir. You must be here for our big sale. Yes, it’s been running for the last month or so and it has been very successful especially considering the downward turn in brick and mortar shop sales. I’ve barely had a moment’s rest these last few weeks, the staff have been rushed off their feet.
I feel as though I must admit that the majority of the shall we say more desirable super powers have already sold out. If you were hoping for the top tier stuff then you should have come on Black Friday. I still think we have a plethora of decent enough skills that you can wow your family, friends and work colleagues with should the case may be. Let me check out the back and I’ll be back in a moment.
Jeremy has picked out the three best of what is left for you, sir. There’s something for everyone. Let me see…
Flaming Onion Man
Feel the rage of a thousand suns. Feel the heat of a million barbecues. With this power you can generate onions from your hands, set them on fire and throw them at least six feet into the distance. Villains with quiver in fear at the sheer ferocity of the burning vegetables you can produce. They won’t know what hit them. They literally won’t know what hit them, you’ll throw them so fast. You’ll be pitching flaming onions as though they’re going out of fashion because, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never known a flaming onion to not be the hottest topic on the menu.
Here’s a Pen Man
Isn’t it annoying when you’re trying to look for something to write with and there’s nothing within reach? Here’s a Pen Man has two pockets in his trousers that will produce an infinite amount of pens. They’ll never run out. They will also never bleed from the temperature being too warm and will work upside-down in water in space for up to 500 feet. You will be everyone’s best friend in the bank, post office or whatever other environment has an obtuse lust for the use of pens.
Smell Time Man
What’s that smell? Can you smell it? No, right now you can’t because you don’t have the newest thing in town; the ability to smell time. Haven’t you always wondered what the past smelt of? Now you don’t need to wonder because for every photo and ye olde time show reel of people from the “before you” times you will be able to take in the smells of that era. Even better, you can smell time before it’s happened. You’ll always know when tomorrow is coming and when the day is coming to an end. The alluring scent of a new hour. It will all be at your fingertips or nostrils or something like that.
10 comments on “Superhero sale”
Do I get the super powers, or do I get a superhero with those powers? This is an important question that will heavily influence my decision.
It was the intention that you would get the superpowers. If you didn’t want them though I suppose you could give them to Kate or Steve Steveingtons if you wanted to know someone who always has a pen.
No, that’s great. I want them. I don’t want some randomer cluttering up the hallway forever sniffing last Tuesday. I want to be producing pens left right and centre.
Then you shall, my friend. You will have all the pens at your disposal.
Sign your name on the dotted line, make the payment and we’ll all be home in time for tea and medals.
Payment? No payment was mentioned.
Then again, presumably if I do this I’m all set for a profitable sideline flogging pens. I’m in. Show me where to sign. You can have your pen back afterwards because I won’t need it.
Oh but sir, you *chuckle chuckle* you see the funny thing *chortle chortle* is that whilst we were talking *grundle grundle* I already gave you the powers so you’re the last person who needs a pen!
If you need me, I’ll be outside, seeing if I can fly by firing huge numbers of pens out at tremendous speed.
I’ll get me camera!
Shit, I’m two weeks late. Oh well.
Turns out it sort of works, but you have to fire out so many pens that when you start going upwards it’s because you’re on a mountain of pens.
Watch out or you’ll end up with a mountain of fountain pens.
*pauses for laughter*