I know what you’re both thinking and, no, it’s not another one of my much-loved, imitated and lauded best-selling novels. Calm down my precious fans, you haven’t missed a pre-order for another first edition that you can keep your families warm with over those long winter months. This is something completely different.
Prior to being hoisted back into clothes and into the general population by work, I was having yet another sort out in order to try and fit a large amount of THINGS into the same space they’ve been living in for six months now. This requires a meticulous amount of opening boxes, sighing loudly and then trying to squish something else into it in the hope that the top will still stay on once I’ve pushed a large rectangle into a tiny triangular slot. Most of the time it works. Soon I may have to invest in some more shelves and possibly some hammocks for the corners.
I unearthed yet another pile of gibberish, which is what I refer to anything I was scribbling in prior to this post. I have a lot of it, notebooks and notebooks of word guff hastily wangled around early attempts by post-modern hedonistic oober artist, Reuben. Sandwiched in-between my original lyrics for ’10 out of 10 out of 10 (out of 10 out of 10)’ and Reuben’s sketches for something called ‘Pirate Chicken and Son’ (spoiler: you don’t need pants to be cool), there was a couple of pages you may recognise:
It’s important for a number of reasons:
- It features Chris’s disgusting scrodsack of change (or was it Kev’s?);
- There are a number of facts including Marshall can sense mums with his crotch, that mushrooms come last and that I am an eager-maniac;
- The original appearance of cult favourite Wexford and his cheese-polishing adventures;
- The height chart to explain how tall Kevin is.
I would donate the entire thing to Chris’ archives but there some boring old Christmas lists and some other questionable songs I wrote that take up the majority of the book so it would be a fool’s errand. I may carefully rip the pages out and send them via special courier so that they reach you in one piece now that Steve “Steady on, now” Steveingtons has finally given up on his restraining order and let you back in your flat.
16 comments on “Literary Gold”
This is extremely special. The extremeness and the specialness of this cannot be underestimated.
It might be only four pages long but I think we should come up with a title for it and add it to the Books page as a new book, even if it’s just a four page book.
I’d agree, this is highly culturally significant. It also introduces the now ubiquitous terminology of “warms per air” which is not to be overlooked.
If I had the fingers for it, I would make that electronic booky myself. I will have to look to someone with more IT prowess, whomever that may be.
We just need nice quality pictures or scans of the relevant whatnots. Have you got a magic printer at work that scans stuff?
I have a printer. It doesn’t like me however I may be able to convince it to play ball long enough for me to slinge (?) the scanning.
Great. The best thing to do is to throw a tennis ball at it, insert the book into whatever slot or drawer is the best fit, and then just hold down the “slinge” button until your needs are met.
* as an aside to Chris *
Does Ian realise that printers don’t scan? Even if you make up new words to throw at them?
* an aside backatcha *
I don’t know. I tried to make clear that only magic printers did it and not all printers. Now I reckon we’ll just see what happens.
I have forgotten to bring the book with me for the last fortnight and after today I will be off for the rest of the week. All thing’s considered, I really macked this up.
*shakes fist like a cartoon villain with whom justice has finally caught up*
I TOOK THE BOOK TO WORK TODAY…
and forgot to scan it like the judge I am.
Baby steps. We’re getting there.
I forgot it was in my drawer but tomorrow I will TRY to scan it. Hold your breath like a woollen mallet.
That was three days ago. Did you remember?
I didn’t. I looked at it today and it shook it’s shame at me, and I cowered in the corner like a fetid lemon.
Are you satisfied that cowering in the corner like a fetid lemon was a better plan, having found the document, than just scanning it in?