User avatarHedge Mayonnaise

Wham! Smack! Pow!

Kevindo Menendez comes back and hits you like a sonic anchovy.

Where has he been? What has he been up to?

That’s none of your business. What is your business though? I can tell you what your business is. Your business is the new tasty condiment he is bringing out RIGHT NOW.

Do you like bush? Do you like creamy eggs? Then you’re going to love Hedge Mayonnaise! All the great taste of horticultural white mush in a tiny, convenient plastic bottle.

Kevindo Menendez takes only the best eggs, only the greatest green leaves and some other things that go in regular mayonnaise to make his stunningly beautiful Hedge Mayonnaise. It’ll cost you no more than a selection of paper pounds and boy is it worth every tiny penny of your hard-earned schmackeroons.

Eight out of Seven people prefer it to actual food.

Get it now!

17 comments to Hedge Mayonnaise

  • Can I confirm two things please?
    1. Is that Kev on the jar, pulling a face like he’s making his first toilet trip in five days after becoming seriously eggbound?
    2. Will the actual packaging be presented in that faintly drawn pencil effect with no colour whatsoever?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    1. Yes, that is Menendez. We went for a more gritty approach with this product.

    2. It was cheaper, and more “appealing”, if we went for the bleak pencil approach.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Also I appear to love the word ‘approach’.

  • OK, so I found a family size jar of “NEW Menendez’z Hedge Mayonnaise” in Tesco Extra and thought I’d give it a go. It goes really well with sonic anchovies, but if you put it into a sandwich it melts the bread, and I’m a bit disturbed that the ingredients list just says “shhh, you don’t need to know”. What exactly is in it?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    It contains all the ingredients you’d expect to find in normal mayonnaise and seven that you wouldn’t / shouldn’t be there.

  • Can you describe the seven extra ingredients? It’s just that I’ve come out in a rash.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Capers, Tom Collin’s mix, Uruguay, Cellphone, pepper spray, Arsenal and smiles.

  • Oh. No, those are fine. I’m not allergic to any of those. I always keep a jar of Tom Collin’s Mix in the cupboard to zhuzh… juje… tzutz… liven up my cooking.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Me too. I find that a few drops of Tom Collin’s Mix really shujs… Jdugd… really improves any recipe.

  • Do you measure it out carefully or are you quite cazh… cajh… cadjzh… carefree about chucking some in?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I find that if you overthink these things too much that it takes the fun out of cooking. If you remain casjh… cajuhz… if you remain laidback about the whole thing then it’s much better.

  • Good cooking advice. The trouble is that your recipes can’t be written down yet.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    The audiobooks are doing well though. I’ve sold at least onestwohalf on the audio book black market.

    When the letters are invented that I can spell the words to write down my recipes, well, we’ll probably all be dead by then.

  • Kevil

    Why do I look like an angry Suggs?

    I thought we agreed at the final taste meeting that we were going to swap out the Uruguay for a dash of Paraguay instead?

  • I think you are an angry Suggs, aren’t you? Besides, everyone Ian draws looks like either an angry Suggs or a demented Jimmy Hill. I think you got off lightly.

  • Kevil

    I don’t remember being a cockney ska star. Maybe I am. Should i release a song about being in love with street furniture?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Kev will you stop being a cockney pop star, it’s really interfering with everything ever. And stop writing that song about kissing that bench, it’s sordid!

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