Avatar Scommuting

So, all the rules change. Your carefully ordered plan no longer works. You must adapt. You must find a new way. What do you do?

In my case, the rules meant that a half-hour walk had to be inserted into my commute to work. So I adapted in the only way I knew how, the only way that made sense to me.

I bought a scooter. I’m a scooter commuter!

Now, my life is brilliant (see picture). The drudgery of a 30 minute walk twice a day has been turned into a fun 15 minute scooting adventure.

If you have a problem, I suggest you buy a scooter. Doesn’t matter what the problem is. Just get a scooter. You won’t regret it.

Avatar One of those things

Childhood, ah, such a bewildering time to be alive. For one, you have no responsibility and so much potential. You have no money but everything you actually need is provided to you for free. If you want to spend the entire weekend sat with your face in the television with a mouth full of marshmallows then you can, or at least until one or more of your parents objects to this. The point is that, as everyone is aware, life is so very different as a child.

I could bore you to tears with stories of my time as a tiny Ian. You may or may not have heard them already and the ones you haven’t heard are just as tedious. Believe me, I am doing you a favour by keeping my mouth shut. I haven’t quite reached the age of telling every single person I meet in the street (not that they would given how bovona has given everyone carte blanche to ignore you even if you have a leg hanging off or knife at your throat) of the time I found £1.10 in the front garden in the snow and became so excited you would have thought I had discovered the Turin Shroud hanging off the bin.

Do you remember those… things that you used to make? I want to remember the name and I don’t want to have to Google it like everything else. The power of words (Words!) don’t fail me now. You folded it up and asked someone to say a number. Then you would use your hands to move it the appropriate number of times and ask for another number, repeat, and then open one of the panels to reveal some mystifying piece of knowledge. It looked a little like this:

No, I haven’t lost my mind and made one I did something much more reasonable; I found one on the floor and brought it home. A scruff I may be and nothing more because there is no other way of finishing that sentence. I wanted to remember a time that was much more innocent, of whistle pops and candy whistles, running around the park until your lungs bled with Tizer (you know, before they changed the formula and made it taste like a shark’s coldsore). I am not clever enough to make a fully functioning version of this, nor an interactive snazzy one on a computer. I do want you to know this though:

If you pick 0 or 1: You are a banana
If you pick 2 or 3: I am in love with you
If you pick 4 or 5: You are in love with me
If you pick 6 or 7:

?????

Avatar Ode to the North

We’re all trapped indoors these days, since the prime minister lost everybody’s house keys and we all found that the front door wouldn’t open any more. I’m sure that’ll all be sorted out soon, of course, and I’ll be able to take the bins out, but for the time being I’m not getting around much and neither is anyone else.

While I’m being kept inside, like a neglected dog, I find myself missing the north. I usually go north regularly and now I can’t, and it’s only when I can’t go that I suddenly find how important it is to me to immerse myself, on a regular basis, in its rich culture and its even richer gravies.

So, as a consolation in these difficult times, I’ve created this moving ode to the north. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and that your cockles are warmed.

Thank you, or as they say in the north, ta.

Avatar Chris is Middlesbrough

I am Bruntingthorpe, that has previously been proven (see https://www.pouringbeans.com/i-am-bruntingthorpe/)

Now, given the choice, Chris has decided that he is Middlesbrough. Recent aerial photography can confirm this:

His cheery, cheeky face can now be seen by anyone flying over the Tyne Tees area. It is sure to bring more tourists up to this part of the world than the Sunderland Airshow and the Wetwang Scarecrow Festival combined.

Now it only remains for Kev to decide what part of the United Kingdom he will turn into.

Avatar Easter Done Right

Easter is on the horizon and you are going to get smothered in talk of chocolate, eggs, bunnies and all sorts of plastic paraphernalia whether you like it or not. As businessman with a fifteen year old son, he no longer wishes to chase the imaginary rabbit in the hope of procuring an immeasurable pile of confectionery; all he cares about is cold, hard cash. There are, however, others who will have to fall in line. When I say fall in line I mean buy as many trinkets as possible for your children and possibly also your significant other. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it.

What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you keep the family appeased in this most confusing of times? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets.

‘Bonny Baskets

Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets are what are missing from your extended Easter weekend; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices, and covered in chocolate. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most nauseating of weekends, you can prepare them any way you like.

‘Bonny Baskets’

With one or two of these in their mouth, your children won’t be tempted to throw a tantrum and destroy your sense of peace and tranquility. He or she won’t believe the taste sensation going down his or her throat. It is the perfect accompaniment to whatever bobbins you plan to screen on the TV in the hopes of keeping them subdued.

‘Bonny Baskets’

You will be the king or queen of the Easter parade with these under your belt, or in your hand. Your kids will lose their shizz ten times over once they get a taste of the good life. Crack off a couple of these and you won’t need to break the bank, and their teeth, by ordering a lorry-load of inferior eggs to your doorstep. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets.

‘Bonny Baskets’ ‘Bonny Baskets’ ‘Bonny Baskets’ ‘Bonny Baskets’

Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and seasonal aisles at all good local supermarkets.

Avatar Fraternity of Zingers

It was inevitable. You know how funny we are, right? How right on the fashions we are when it comes to news, pop culture and, indeed, fashion itself. It was only a matter of time before our amusing jokes about Kevin stretched into the cosmos and all and sundry (sundry, indeed) were swallowed up in the process. Take no prisoners because the Fraternity of Zingers is officially open.

I could stand in the corner, cracking off zingers like they were toffees, but it’s not going to change anything. I need a brotherhood who have got my back to help me spread the good word, the good humour and the good times involved with zingers. Who doesn’t love a good zinger? They’re fast, funny and fruity like the best kind of sandwich. woman. Bring me a big fat plate of fruity zingers so I can chow down like the rest. I want to take my fill of the choicest cuts and you can too.

There’s no paperwork involved. You don’t need to officially sign up like you would for a Direct Debit. All I need to know is if you’re in for the wild ride. All I need from you is confirmation that you want to be part of a family, the closest damn family you’ll ever have. When you crack off a zinger about the news I’ll be right beside you, cracking one back about haircuts or gardening.

A bell in the bush is worth two in the hand, after all.

Even if you’re not particularly hilarious you can still join, we want you! You will learn from the best and under our sweaty wings you will rise the ranks of the Zinger Elite.

Are you with me? Hyper Gamma Meta Zing Zing.

Avatar Episode 13: Ivy

Episodes is back with another cracking example. Yes, I know its been fucking ages, but what are you going to do about it?

This time out we ponder the evergreen topic of Ivy, specifically:

  • Sensual statues
  • A good view
  • Riding a pig
  • Deep personal psychoanalysis from Dr. Marshall