Category: Mash

Avatar End of the year

Good Morning ladies and gentlemen

It has been several months since the last official meeting of the British Mash Council. Since then we have acquired a plethora of new members. The profile of mash has grown considerably over the last six months and it only remains to say that this is all due to our hard work, commitment and fervour to the source material. Before, however, we crack open the champagne there is one final matter that we need to go through before the end of the year and that’s our new annual mash push over the next two months.

Granted we probably should have addressed these matters earlier given that November is but six days away however matters outside of our control (such as Gary’s vasectomy and Maureen’s slip on the cobblestones by the church) saw to that. There was simply no time to fit it in before now.

I therefore suggest a stealth drop of even more mash-based merriment through the usual advertising venues and an assault on social media. We already have a name, there’s no need to start handing out the pads of paper, Doris, so put them back in the lockbox. It was sitting right there in front of us the entire time and it has been plucked. ‘Christmash’ (not ‘Christ-mash’ which is what Tony thought it was when he first saw the sign, there’s a subtle art to it, Tony, I do hope you’ve cottoned on to that now) will be everywhere in the next few weeks. The signs have been printed and are currently sitting between the decorations and the unsold toys from last year’s ‘Mashtopia’ festival. I still am shocked that our selection of mash celebrities inclusing Paddy Mashdown, Richard Mashcroft, Mashley Cole, Mike Mashley and Jayne Middlemash did sell better given their likeness and overall quality. It just goes to show that you can know your audience and still not know your audience..

Do you know what I want to see? I want to see it all. I want to live in a world where instead of a white Christmas we have a slightly yellow, buttery hot ‘Christmash’ with kids playing and building Mashmen in the garden while mum and dad finish off the dinner. I want to live in a world where every tree is decorated in a blizzard of instant mash granules, topped off with a mash angel reaching out to the mashes of the world. I want to hear ‘Come All Ye Mashful’, ‘Oh Little Town of Mashlehem’ and ‘Mash to the World’ playing across the tops of houses, coming from behind the doors of churches and bellowing out of every carol singer in the Western hemisphere.

If we hit the ground running then we have nothing to worry about. I trust all of you to continue spreading the good name of mash and by this time in December it will the the best year for the British Mash Council since 2009!

Avatar Newsboost – When the mash hits the fan

Plans were unveiled today that will shape the face of mash for the future.

While it is unlikely that there would ever be a shortage, experts today have explained the plan that will be implemented should the worst ever happen. It has taken six months for the problems to be ironed out. We spoke with demi-goth soothsayer Wordell Numbstruck.

“The most agonising part was the font size,” explains Wordell, “as we had a split divide between those wanting to use size 11 font and those who preferred size 12. For an entire month neither side would budge and it was only when some bright spark decided to order in two dozen Danish pastries did the lines of communication open once more. That was a good day.

“We were originally going to use a kind of Doomsday clock however it was put to a vote and a more traditional American Defcon-style gauge was chosen. Counting down the days wasn’t quite the right image for mash. We’re still finalising the official art so we will have to make do with some of my crude sketches:

Level 5 – Mash common state
The world stock of potatoes is plump and bountiful. Mash is commonly available and nobody has any problems trying to get any.

Level 4 – Minus mash
One of the leading potato suppliers (China, India or the Ukraine) is facing difficulties due to a poor harvest or bad stock. Mash can be still be obtained albeit for a slightly higher price.

Level 3 – Mashtronomical
All three leading potato suppliers cannot cough up the goods. Russian, the USA, Bangladesh and Germany are overwhelmed with demands and struggle to keep up. Mash is slightly rarer and prices have skyrocketed.

Level 2 – Mash hysteria
The world is begging for mash and nobody is having any of it. Stocks are gradually diminishing in every single country. You cannot find a potato for love nor money. Black market trading is rife and the other, less popular potato products (chips, boiled and new potatoes, croquettes etc.) are also suffering.

Level 1 – None shall mash!
There are no more potatoes left in the world. Mash is gone forever.

“We want everyone to understand that this is in no way likely to be something that happens in our lifetime or the next at that,” continues Mr Numbstruck, “only that a crisis could happen and should it happen we want to be able to sort it out. This system we’ve created will explain to the powers that be just how severe or negligible the situation is. I am confident that the work we have put into this today will benefit others at the appropriate time. We also have t-shirts available in the gift shop and on our website should anyone be interested.”

Avatar Newsboost – Marauding mash mutilation mandate

Conservative politician Tub Barsley unexpectedly hit out at mash today in an unprovoked attach critics are calling, “spineless”.

In this morning’s edition of the ‘Daily Porker’, in conversation with political correspondent Felicia Nonstop, Mr Barsley steered very clear of the fence and sat on a rock at least a hundred miles away when expressing his overwhelming disdain for the squashed potato wonderstuff.

“Mash is nobody’s first choice at a pub or restaurant,” explained Mr Barsley, “if you’re given the options you’ll always go with chips because they’re infinitely better. If you’re choosing mash then you need to get your head examined.” It should be pointed out that later on in the article he also compared the act of mashing a potato with dusting your living room in that both activities are completely pointless. Barsley has never been one to mince his words especially when it concerns either food or politics; we all remember his controversial housing plan from September 2020 which was universally panned and vetoed by the House of Commons.

Second in command at the British Mash Council, Christopher Marshall, fought back after reading the egregious comments.

“What kind of a world do we live in when people are allowed to say fragrant lies in the press? I personally have nothing against Tub Barsley,” quipped Mr Marshall, “but he needs to keep his attitude in check. Mash is a beloved addition to any meal and we have statistical data to show that it is a clear 50/50 split between chips and mash at the dinner table. We are hoping that this will slide in our favour given the recent advertising campaign however we are quite happy with where we are right now. Damaging, childish words should be kept under wraps and if Mr Barsley continues with this line then we will be forced to take legal action.”

Tub Barsley, who once set fire to his own mother when lighting candles on her 60th birthday cake, has not commented any further.

Avatar Newsboost – Mash gets another helping hand

Mash mania continues to spread across the United Kingdom after yet another mash-related announcement courtesy of fashion and textile guru Laura Ashley who revealed that there would be a stunning ensemble as part of their Autumn line-up.

Four distinct sets of unique furniture are set to be released around September 2023 each centred on the idea and philosophy of mash. Although no images have been provided to the press yet, we do have the following details:

Set 1 – The Comf

A beautiful and timeless set piece. Three extra large armchairs all able to accommodate either one person luxuriously or two people comfortably. The daring absence of a sofa is only complimented further by the chrome caster feet and Atherton pale natural fabric. Whether you’re young at heart or feeling your age, you’ll feel fantastic in the Comf. Available in four distinct colours: beige, white, pale yellow and light grey.

Set 2 – The Stern

Taking furniture seriously is what we do and there is nothing more serious than The Stern, two medium-sized sofas adorned with style and substance. Straightened orthopaedic back support, claustrophobic right angles and very little cushioning, you’ll feel “it” as soon as you enter the room. The Gloucester button back style will turn heads. Available in four dazzling colours: white, pale yellow, light grey and beige.

Set 3 – The Playful

If you’ve got a modern family then you need a modern sofa to accommodate everyone. The Playful has got you covered with a generous eight-seater sofa and two mock-tabulous armchairs. The end of the sofa has a tiny helter skelter which leads down into a ball pool for the little ones. The chairs can be readjusted and attached to the side of the sofa to make it even bigger, similar to a series of toys that are more than meet the eye but cannot be referenced here for legal reasons. Available in four scintillating colours: “whacky” yellow, “ambiguous” grey, “fun” beige and “joyous” white.

Set 4 – The Druid

Minimalistic and harsh, yes, but also leading the pack in terms of fashion. This limited edition singular armchair is for the keen collector. Made out of 300lb of solid mash, the Druid will take you on an adventure that you’re probably not ready for. Bolstered by the Anneliese Natural-esque padding of the mash and small release number of only 100, you will need to be quick to get your greasy mitts on this standout entry. Available in one colour: mash.

The more we read the more everything sounds so delicious. Pre-orders for the new items will be available shortly after the unveil in September so keep posted for more news.

The British Mash Council (BMC) are yet to comment although we expect them to be brimming with glee.

Avatar Newsboost – Mash gets a helping hand

Breaking news!

The push for mash has reached a new level of excitement today as Aston Villa football club announced that mash would be their new sponsor for the 2023/24 season.

Current sponsor BK8 were left “baffled” at the prospect of being dropped for a popular potato-based food product. It seems as though despite their initial talks to continue for the next three years, Aston Villa manager Unai Emery decided to opt for the underdog after revealing he has a fondness for mash in a recent interview earlier this year.

In the January 2023 edition of GQ magazine, Mr Emery said, “I love it, I love the taste and the texture, the different ways you can season and flavour it, the way it looks on your plate after a hard day’s training, the fact that you can shape it into anything you want. It is such a versatile thing that I insist on mash at least three or four times a week and my wife knows that if I have had a difficult day then mash is the one thing that will bring a smile to my face.”

The British Mash Council (BMC) had this to say about the recent development.

“I am not surprised in the slightest,” said head council member Kevin Hill, “mash has always been popular but it’s time to step it up to the next level. Knowing that every week the good word of mash will be seen on millions of TV sets, seen my millions of eyes, brings joy to all of our hearts.  Mr Emery has also expressed an interest in serving mash at the home games and who are we to argue with someone with great taste?”

When asked about the rumours of changing the team’s name to Mashton Villa, both Unai Emery and the British Mash Council responded with a firm, “no comment.” Only time will tell if further changes are afoot for this historic moment in football and mash history.

Avatar Minutes from a Meeting

Meeting held on the evening of Monday 6 February.

Those present: Kevin Hill, Christopher Marshall and Ian McIver.

It was decided that the British Mash Council (or BMC) would be formally appointed in lieu of the existence of one.

Kevin Hill (KH) decided that Chris Marshall (CM) would be in charge of historical preservation of mash, historical important of mash and everything associated with these. KH also decided that Ian McIver (IM) would be in charge of croquettes.

KH said that CM should go to London, given that he is the closest geographically, to ask for money from either the PM or the Treasury to fund the BMC. CM offered no resistance to this and seemed on board with the idea.

IM then announced that all the money should be “poured into croquettes”. General acceptance all round although KH specified that some of the budget should be kept back for other projects.

CM asked about whether recipes that incorporate mash but were not mash-centric should be focused on. KH decided that it would involve too many other governmental departments and thus only primary mash food should be championed. CM mentioned classic mash dishes such as ‘Bubble and Squeak’ and ‘Colcannon’. KH misheard the latter and asked what a dove cannon was.

CM asked about the museum that was being discussed and whether it should include statues of celebrities made out of mash. All members were in favour. In addition to Winston Churchill and his glorious beard of mash, the following other people were mentioned: Paddy Mashdown (CM), Richard Mashcroft (CM), Mashley Cole (IM), Mike Mashley (KH) and Jayne Middlemiss (IM). Costs and expenses not discussed. Also possible crossover event with Mash vs The Evil Dead (even though it was cancelled after three seasons).

Dove cannons are to be used at all mash events except ones in small rooms where firing doves into the walls will end with calamity and death.

Mashvertising is to be brought back in full force. The importance of mash needs to be re-introduced back into the homes of Great Britain after being in abeyance for so long. IM asked what the thoughts were of seminal kids’ programme ‘Bodger and Badger’, unanimous approval from all members. It was then motioned that they would be used in the mashvertising promotions… until it was discovered that the actor who played Bodger had sadly passed away in 2017. A new face will need to be sought and daughter of Bodger (“Bodge daught”) may be a prospect. To be discussed at a future meeting.

General mash talk occurred for several minutes.

Next meeting was agreed for Thursday 16 March.