Avatar Newsboost – Marauding mash mutilation mandate

Conservative politician Tub Barsley unexpectedly hit out at mash today in an unprovoked attach critics are calling, “spineless”.

In this morning’s edition of the ‘Daily Porker’, in conversation with political correspondent Felicia Nonstop, Mr Barsley steered very clear of the fence and sat on a rock at least a hundred miles away when expressing his overwhelming disdain for the squashed potato wonderstuff.

“Mash is nobody’s first choice at a pub or restaurant,” explained Mr Barsley, “if you’re given the options you’ll always go with chips because they’re infinitely better. If you’re choosing mash then you need to get your head examined.” It should be pointed out that later on in the article he also compared the act of mashing a potato with dusting your living room in that both activities are completely pointless. Barsley has never been one to mince his words especially when it concerns either food or politics; we all remember his controversial housing plan from September 2020 which was universally panned and vetoed by the House of Commons.

Second in command at the British Mash Council, Christopher Marshall, fought back after reading the egregious comments.

“What kind of a world do we live in when people are allowed to say fragrant lies in the press? I personally have nothing against Tub Barsley,” quipped Mr Marshall, “but he needs to keep his attitude in check. Mash is a beloved addition to any meal and we have statistical data to show that it is a clear 50/50 split between chips and mash at the dinner table. We are hoping that this will slide in our favour given the recent advertising campaign however we are quite happy with where we are right now. Damaging, childish words should be kept under wraps and if Mr Barsley continues with this line then we will be forced to take legal action.”

Tub Barsley, who once set fire to his own mother when lighting candles on her 60th birthday cake, has not commented any further.

11 comments on “Newsboost – Marauding mash mutilation mandate

  • I dispute the made-up quote attributed to me. I do personally have something against Tub Barsley. Fifteen years ago he came up to me in a pub, scraped the mash off my plate with his bare hands and threw it against the wall, where it stuck to the dartboard. This was a grave personal insult, a waste of good mash, and a cause of serious disruption to a darts game that was in progress. He can stick his opinions up his arse.

  • You’re focussing too much on what all these lies smell like, and not nearly enough on the fact that this bastard lobbed half my lunch at a pub dartboard. The aroma of the deception is a mere sideshow to that heinous criminal act.

  • I’m getting to that, I’m getting to that.

    NOW… can you accept that we’re dealing with facts and not fragrant lies? Then we can move on with the rest of the agenda.

  • I’m dealing with the facts of what this tosspot did to my pub lunch in the Rose and Crown. I don’t know what facts you’re banging on about. I’m starting to think you don’t care about mash at all, you’re just swanning around the place smelling everyone’s lies.

  • Sigh. Okay okay, what he did to your lunch was unacceptable and he should have bought you a replacement lunch and your hair looks good today and have you lost weight and would you like this onion it suits you etc.

  • That’s more like it. Thank you.

    I would like the onion, but I’d like you to get Tub Barsley to pickle it first. It will be a sort of elaborate, tangy apology.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Optionally upload an image to accompany your comment (JPG only)