Avatar Wrong Lectures – Chairs

Hello and welcome to a new series where we invite guest speakers to come into the hallowed halls of Beandom to talk about interesting and varied topics. We hope that by doing so it will create a rich slunge of conversation between all members and denizens of the public.

Today’s guest needs no introduction but thankfully I have prepared one anyway because I like the sound of my own voice. Please welcome to the stage to stand at the beautiful lectern I made with my own small man hands, noted customarian and three times winner of the sexiest man in Cross Gates, Pop Giegel.

“I was ten when I first sat down on a chair and, boy, I can tell you that was a day to remember. The way you didn’t have to stand anymore, it was a massive eye-opener. Shortly afterwards I told my friend, Jill, and she said that she had been sitting on chairs for most of her life which made me embrace a deep melancholia because there had been so much chair-sitting that had been absent from my life, so many hours passed without sitting.

The chair was invented in 1842 by Grandalf Miscus, an Austrian professor who had grown tired of the choices of standing up or lying down. He theorised that there must be some kind of go-between and set about looking for that alternative. After ten years of research he finally built the prototype chair, the Oxi, which is still on display at the Hofburg museum in Vienna. It may look crude by today’s standards however without it you would not be able to sit and watch television, sit and read a book, sit and flick through nondescript advertisements on overbearing websites.

Grandalf’s “chair” or mikrowellenpizza in his native language revolutionised the world and how we approach it. He saw through the mire and decided that perhaps standing and drinking a cappuccino is not as relaxing as it first sounds, and perhaps there is something a little cushier available. There have been many other variations of this such as the leg chair, the head chair, sofa maze, office chair, waiting room bench chair and the still popular Halloween mask chair.

Since my first life-changing sitting experience I have spent most of my adult life sitting or trying to sit down. When I went to see U2 at the 3Arena in Dublin a few years ago, standing room only, I let off fireworks until someone brought me a chair to watch the concert from. If I have to get on a crowded train I have a travel chair or Schnursenkel which I keep with me at all times. It is also useful when waiting for the bus or if there is a long queue for the Oblivion at Alton Towers.

I hope you all do not underappreciate the long-standing effect and influence that the chair has had on the human race. In fact, it’s influence cannot be understated. Wars have been fought over the positioning of chairs in the dining room. Religious leaders have publicly spoken to millions of people from chairs, possibly. Imagine trying to eat an omelette with one hand because your other hand is holding the plate or, maybe even worse, having to bend down to the table to reach your omelette because there is no other way of eating it. Tragic.

Praise the chairs.”

3 comments on “Wrong Lectures – Chairs

  • I am a fan of sitting down in all its forms, and I’m glad to see the Beans is finally taking this important subject seriously. However, the chair pictured is, to my mind, much too small. It should be bigger, and squashier, and have lovely comfy arms and maybe some cushions on it.

  • Yes please. I want it to be capable of being sat upon in the most cazh… cahsch… cajh… louche manner possible.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Optionally upload an image to accompany your comment (JPG only)