Fancy pub checklist

Pubs all used to be more or less the same, back in the day. Dark brown furniture, brass rail along the bar, limited range of warm beers that were predominantly bitter and included something called “mild”, and the only food offering was pork scratchings.

Nowadays pubs come in a wide spectrum, from the old man boozer to the soft play family carvery. Most pubs serve food of some description. But every now and then you find a pub that is genuinely fancy.

How fancy? Well, now you can find out by scoring your pub against this helpful checklist.

Guest ale on tap: 1 point
Guest gin with home-made marketing display on the bar: 2 points
Man at bar is wearing a gilet and has an extremely large dog asleep at his feet: 1 point
Dog snacks on the bar are in a stylish glass jar: 1 point
Separate “restaurant area” for dining, though you can also eat in the bar if you want: 1 point
“Please wait to be seated” sign in dining area: 2 points
Separate menu for Sunday lunch: 1 point
Separate menu for dogs: 2 points
Exposed wooden beams: 1 point
Exposed wooden beams that are actually structural and may be grade II listed: 2 points
Table service for diners: 1 point
Table service where the waitress is an actual waitress and not one of the bar staff: 2 points
Made-to-order bar snacks available: 1 point
Made-to-order bar snacks feature miniature fish and chips served in one of those fake mesh buckets as though it’s just been lifted out of a deep fat fryer: 2 points
Made-to-order bar snack menu features n’duja, olive tapenade and padrón peppers: 3 points
Men’s toilets do not smell of urinal cakes: 1 point
Men’s toilets look clean: 2 points
Men’s toilets actually are clean: 3 points
Men’s toilets have hand lotion in little squirty bottles by the sink: 5 points

Dog Botherers

Hey! Hey you! You with the dog!

Whatcha doing with that dog? Are you bothering it? Is it that awesome that you can’t help but bother it and want to spend time with it? If that’s true, then you need to join the ‘Dog Botherers’.

You shouldn’t feel ashamed about your behaviour. There are thousands of awesome dogs out there. They’re sat with their owners out in real life which is great but sometimes you can’t bother them because they’re doing their own thing. That’s upsetting.

At ‘Dog Botherers’, we don’t mind if you bother our dogs. Our weekly meetings are designed for people like you to bother dogs in a safe and friendly environment. Come meet like-minded individuals over a hot cup of friendship and a generous plate of fun biscuits.

If you like dogs, bothering your dogs and bothering other people’s dogs then ‘Dog Botherers’ is the place for you.

Book now! It’s no bother!

Open source Chris

Here I am with a microscope. But what can I see?

I’d just taken a swab from my cheek and under the ‘scope was a sample of my own facial cells (or “facells”, as biologists call them). And once I’d managed to zoom in enough, I saw this.

It’s my DNA.

There it is in all its glory, all those chains of genetic information that make me so brilliantly unique. And now that I’ve put it online, it’s open source, free for anyone else to come along and use it, remix it and build on it. Feel free to take a screenshot and use it for your own biological experiments.

I’m hopeful that this is the beginning of an amazing new age where there are millions of clones of me running around everywhere. A world of genetically engineered Chrises wherever you look.

What will you do with my DNA? Let me know in the comments.

Clickbait roundup

The internet is full of junk these days, articles promoted into your social media feeds and “related content” links in your news articles. And you want to read it all, of course you do, it looks fascinating. But you’re a busy Executive Gentleman with a busy executive lifestyle, and you don’t have time for all that.

So how are you going to keep up with your colleagues around the watercooler when they’re all discussing the latest clickbait articles they’ve been reading? Well, never fear. My new subscription service Clickbaitr is now up and running, and for a monthly fee I’ll summarise all the hottest clickbait on the internet so you can keep up with this rapidly changing world.

Interested? Of course you are. See below for your free trial of conveniently summarised clickbait junk.

Happening soon

Guys, everyone, I know this is upsetting to some but I needed to get the word out now before it’s too late.

Gary Barlow is happening soon!

Now I’m not expecting people to start jumping into their nuclear bunkers immediately. It looks as though we have a window, how long is anyone’s guess. As long as you’re busy looking through Barlow Handbook when you have the chance to do so then that’s all we can ask.

Double check that you have plenty of water and tinned food. Carry out plenty of practise exercises with your ear defenders and earplugs.

Don’t take any risks. If you see a Gary Barlow coming towards you, whether or not he is singing, turn around calmly and walk in the other direction with your hands over your ears.

And whatever you do, don’t click that button; you do *not* want any more information.

It has begun

At what point are you officially old?

I think we’ve all been content to think of ourselves as young all these years, even as our years advance and our hairlines recede. But I think today I crossed the boundary.

This week I’ve been laid low by some kind of winter virus that I can only describe as an absolute bastard. Today, finally well enough to leave the house, I tottered unsteadily to the chemist a few minutes’ walk down the road to get another box of uplifting medicine.

The pharmacist asked me the usual things – are these for you? Have you taken them before? And then she looked at me and asked a new one. Are you over 40?

I am 40, I said, wondering what bearing this could have on some over the counter tablets containing paracetamol and caffeine.

Ah, she said, in that case you’re eligible for a free blood pressure check. These tablets can raise your blood pressure so they can do a check now, or indeed at any time I happen to be passing and wonder what my blood pressure is, since I’m now 40.

I’m used to the idea that old people get extra free services on the NHS. Flu jabs and that sort of thing. It was an interesting experience to find that I am now eligible for the first of them.

I thought about it and I’m OK with it. Bring on the freebies. When I’ve been back for my free test I’ll let you know what my blood pressure is.

Do not remove

This sign at work has not been successful in its aims.

Presumably, at some point, another bin will be provided by whoever considers it vitally important that this little-used basement corridor always has a bin available at this precise location. When that happens I suggest they adopt one, some or all of the following suggestions for improved security:

Add “on pain of death” to the end of the sign
Add a nice positive thumbs up symbol to the sign
Have a speaker playing the sign’s message out loud on a loop in case the bin was taken by a blind person
Keep the existing wording and layout of the sign, but enlarge it so that it covers the entire wall
Use plainer language that low-life thieves will understand, like “get your stinking hands off my bin, you pilfering shitbags”
Make multiple versions of the sign and use them to plaster the bin to the wall like papier-mâché
Apply camouflage netting to the bin, thus rendering it invisible
Put another more desirable bin next to the bin as bait

More lists

I’ve started using lists again. I keep forgetting things that need doing, such as uploading a bunch of photos to this here website that Chris asked for months ago, so I write them down and there’s less chance I’ll forget. Nothing is 100% foolproof though.

I should use them more often. I should have lists for everything but then there’s the risk of having so many lists that I won’t have time to do anything because I’m too busy writing lists. I need to tread that fine line carefully.

Walking through the “mean streets” of Morpeth, we came across this list scrawled on the glass door of an abandoned derelict shop. I clocked it, made a mental note of its location and then came back to it again on the walk back to the car.

I’m not sure if they were trying to be funny or not. It is a strange list for sure. Who is Soo-fee? Are they as well-known as Taylor Swift, Coca Cola and God? I would have thought that ‘bees?’ would have made the list and the fact that they’re missing is a crime.

I’m not inclined to write any of my lists on something that isn’t a piece of paper or a notepad. I can’t scribble something on a pub and then drag that around with me, it’s not practical. Perhaps the person with the pen lives nearby and needed a visual clue on the way to work or school. Whatever the reason, keep yo lists outta ma face. I’ve got enough of my own

Pouring
Beans

Category: Invaluable Public Service