User avatar State of the Beans Address – 2020: The Write-Off

Friends. Now is a time of crisis and uncertainty, of complications and sullenness the likes of which have not been seen for half a century or possibly longer.

The Bovona Virus has a name. It also has a face. The face that it has does not have as many eyes as I do […]

User avatar Isolation – North-East Edition

You will never believe what just happened to me! The short version is that I am currently being paid to not work. I am at home right now not working. If I try to work I will be shouted at profusely so I am sat not working on a beanbag listening to the radio.

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User avatar Dear Beans… Keen Conundrum

Dear Beans,

Let me start by saying that of all the people in the world, I’ve seen keen. I’ve also seen eager, yearning, longing and a level of impatience that put impatience on the map. The map of keen.

The other day though, well, it’s hard to put into words exactly what happened. There was […]

User avatar Sport: know the risks

It’s coming home, apparently. That much is now received wisdom. But what does this mean for you? Please read and memorise this important guide for your own safety.

Beans Laboratories have conducted a range of scientific tests* on Sport and have raised the Sport Threat Level to “Steady On”, its highest level since the 2012 […]

User avatar Flat Kitty – Presidential Candidate

On the eve of the US presidential election, some might say that attempting to put yourself forward as a candidate now would be a foolish exercise.

Such tomfoolery, however, has never been too far outside the realms of the Beans though. One who is strong of heart and stout of mind can achieve great things […]

User avatar A desperate plea

It has now been many months since we last saw The Book, and understandably all those of us who care deeply about it are becoming concerned for its safety.

Today, Pouring Beans launches a major publicity campaign to alert the British public to the plight of The Book in the hope of seeing it safely […]

User avatar Weather forecast

It’s another scorcher of a day out there, and the hot weather shows no sign of ending.

To find out what’s in store for the next week, here’s the current Pouring Beans Long Range Weather Forecast, sponsored by Frank Fuckle’s Travelling Circus.

29° Thursday 21 July Heatwave continues. Some cloud cover in places will give […]

User avatar Security

These are dangerous times. Terrorism is literally everywhere. Just yesterday I had to take the bins out when the bin bags were only half full because they had terrorists hiding in them. Last Thursday, I went back to a tub of half-eaten strawberry yogurt in the fridge and found that terrorists had eaten the rest […]