We all know the healing powers of Doctor Burger. The wonderful Doctor Burger makes everything better. But for every Yin there is a Yang, and for every Starsky there is a Hutch. What if there was an anti-Doctor Burger, an evil burger that would make you feel worse instead of better?
It’s been doing its best to match the appalling failure that was 2020, but we’re not letting it. No, 2021 will be the year things got better, not the year things got worse.
Still – it’s been a bit of a slog so far. Now, to celebrate the fact that half of it has gone and the other half is probably going to be a bit more enjoyable than the first one was, let’s all sit down and have a slice of cake.
It’s incredible, isn’t it? How does he manage to write four different pieces of something every single month? Each time it’s something fresh and interesting, like a butterfly made of marzipan. He’s clearly some kind of journalistic genius and the world is better off for having him.
All of those things about me are completely correct but don’t be fooled, writing is a serious game and one that takes a lot of effort. You think I’m pulling off (wa-hey!) and pulling out (WA-HEY!) these ideas from thin air like they were biscuits on a plate? You don’t think they take their toil on this mortal body? For sure back in the day I was tossing out so many posts that the Big Men had to put a cap on it to keep me at four whereas these days it’s a complicated and messy process.
Let me walk you through an average month:
1st – thank god a new month, thirty odd days with which to play with. 2nd – I should get organised and write one now but there’s still plenty of time left. 3rd – ooo look, Chris has posted something. 4th – there’s probably a weekend coming up so I’ll post something next week. 7th – that was a crap weekend, oh dear, best knock out some nonsense for the website. 8th – ah, another podcast. Let me type my ‘I’ll listen to it tonight’ comment and get back to doing nothing. 9th – I love corn because it goes with everything. 10th – if I run fast enough could I burst through a brick wall? 11th – nobody else remembers ‘Ovide’ the cartoon and that makes me sad. 12th – ooo look, Chris has posted something. 21st – blimey where did the last 9 days go? I’ve not done anything yet. Find a photo, ooo look it’s funny. First post done. 22nd – scan through previous month’s posts and ride the back of something else someone else wrote. 23rd – two in the can, it’s plain sailing now. Time to knock out a ‘Newsboost’ or something tragic that happened to me. Ha ha, hilarious. 24th – ooo look, Chris has posted something. 25th – is Kev going to reach his quota this month? Could that be the basis of one of my posts? Keep it as a back-up for dire times. 26th – DIRE TIMES ARE NOW! Post that mother. 27th – damn, Kev posted again. My post is superfluous. I’m no good at this anymore, even though young me was an arsehole he was so good at doing this. 28th – here’s a random thought, ‘if cakes were alive, would they try to eat themselves?’ Good enough. 29th – sod it, another photo will have to do. 30th – ooo look, Chris has posted something.
So as you can see, it’s not easy doing this month in and also month out. For all those secret readers out there who don’t make their presences known, you are most definitely welcome.
I recently learned that I have been inadvertently spoiling all Kev’s plans to post things to the Beans because every time he has an idea he logs on to the website and finds that I’ve already done it.
It started not so long ago with the slippers, and then I hit him with a double whammy of tyre trouble that took the wind right out of his tyres.
I’ve decided that the best thing to do is to try and expand on this promising new hobby, so in this blog post I am going to try and anticipate some of the things Kev might want to write blog posts about in the near future and get there before him.
Very large worktops
There. I think those three things pretty much cover all bases.
There will, I expect, be more posts from me on this subject in the near future, because it has become a very large part of my life. But for now, it is probably enough to say that getting yourself a house is an enormous process that takes up a lot of your time and energy, and has far reaching consequences for the whole of your life. It is difficult and tiring.
On the other hand, though, it’s one of the best things ever, and it has made us this happy.
Normal service will resume in February. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be trying to find something in a box that is under three other boxes at the back of a room full of boxes.