Category: Marketable

Avatar Wang Four Stars

Years ago I used to sometimes get the train home from Blackfriars station. This was around the time they were just starting the process of completely rebuilding it, and one of the first things they did was take the light-up advertising poster frames off the walls. Behind them were lots of paper posters, presumably the last ones to be put up before the frames went in. They all seemed to date from the late 1980s.

There was all sorts of old advertising on display, some older than others, but this one caught my eye. It’s for an event called Wang Four Stars.

Yes, charity was the winner back in June 1988 at this event hosted by Jimmy Tarbuck and Terry Wogan, and sponsored by, er, Wang.

Presumably large numbers of people were expected to make the journey to Moor Park to watch celebrities play a round of golf. Maybe there wasn’t much to do in 1988. Other big names teeing off for a good cause included Cliff Thorburn, Sean Connery, Kevin Keegan, Russ Abbot and Shakin’ Stevens.

The poster is at pains to point out that there will be professional golfers, leading “personalities” and excellent catering facilities.

And, as it also makes clear, it’s all thanks to Wang.

Avatar New: Plunge Digital Yoghurt

Hi, Kevin here from Plunge Networks. Following our recent buyout of Skype, we’ve thought for literally minutes about what to do with the former biggest brand in consumer digital communications, and you know what we thought? That’s right, yoghurt!

Introducing Plunge Digital Yoghurt: the next evolution in snack technology. Upgrade your taste buds. Upgrade your lunch. Plunge Digital Yoghurt, where flavour meets innovation! Launching soon in two great flavours, combining everything you’ve come to know and love about Plunge Communications Networks Inc.

Fruity Mango: A smooth, tropical connection to your inner island. Enjoy a burst of tropical delight with every spoonful. Real mango bits, swirled into creamy, futuristic perfection.

Spicy WiFi: It’s tangy. It’s zesty. It pings your senses. This yoghurt packs a kick as electrifying as your internet connection. Can you handle the heat?

Whether you’re buffering between meetings or uploading flavour to your lunch break, Plunge Digital Yoghurt keeps you connected… deliciously.

Log on. Plunge in.

Avatar Job application

Dearly beloved,

While we all feel deep sorrow in the Holy Father’s passing, the time is now right for me to throw my hat into the ring and offer the benefit of my expertise for the betterment of mankind. I am officially applying to be the next Pope.

At this stage, I acknowledge that I am something of an outside candidate. But I believe that I’m able to offer a unique package that is sure to turn heads in the upcoming Papal Conclave.

  • No allegiance to any Catholic faction
    I am not allied to the Jesuits, Marianists or any other Catholic faction, which puts me in an ideal position to appeal to, and be embraced by, all those of Catholic faith. Having no prior allegiance I come to the role as a blank slate, able to rise above any differences. In fact I’m not a Catholic at all and don’t believe in god, so my neutrality is unrivalled among the other candidates.
  • Willing to maintain Pope Francis’s vow of a simple life
    I do not require great riches or a lavish lifestyle. I will lead by example, being entirely content to live in my Apostolic Palace within the walls of my own personal city-state, enjoy the excellent food and wine available in Rome, have a specially created car to drive me around wherever I go and travel the world on a regular basis. I am good at waving.
  • Looks good in white
    I wear a lot of bright colours but actually white suits me as well. I’d probably have the Vatican tailors make me some white jeans and hoodies for dress down occasions.
  • No background of scandal or controversy
    None that you can prove, anyway.
  • Happy to wear a small hat
    As a man who is steadily thinning out on top, I am more than happy to wear one of those little round Pope hats, which will actually serve to protect the top of my head from the 2,538 hours of Mediterranean sunshine the Italian climate will deliver each year. And in any case I think the big tall hats that Cardinals and Bishops wear would be a bit much and probably wouldn’t suit my bone structure.

In light of all the above I would be delighted to be considered for the role of Pope. My message to the College of Cardinals is simple: consider me!

Avatar ABOFB 37: This is Your Life (Movie)

A Breath of Fresh Beans returns from the loo, with a lovely ponderance from Ian about who would play each of us in the move adaption of our life stories. We discuss…

  • Kev’s manly physique
  • Chris becomes arousing
  • The many stages of Ian
  • Alternative castings… No Crossovers!

Avatar Inginuity

I’m delighted to announce the launch of my own personal high quality alcoholic spirit, Inginuity.

It’s a high quality gin, with a superior blend of botanicals that together produce a slightly sweet and satisfyingly spicy way to get hammered.

Like any gin, it has a base of juniper, orris root, coriander seed and angelica root – those alone would simply make it a London Dry. To this my team of expert blenders (me) have added the essence of Yorkshire Gold tea, pink peppercorns, cassia bark, lemongrass, lime, fennel seed, rosemary and rosebud. These were carefully chosen because they tasted the nicest when I tried all the things I could put in it, and because one of them is from Yorkshire.

Anyway, much as I’d like you to try Inginuity – either in a classic G&T, or perhaps a martini, or even just straight from the bottle like a hobo – it’s such a classy, small-batch drink that only one bottle was produced. But if we ever do get that lucrative distribution contract with a major supermarket, you’ll be the first to know.

Avatar Your new favourite blank

Okay, hear me out.

You want to make a statement. You’ve been living in your house for a while now and it’s getting a bit drab. You’re tired of looking at the same old bits of furniture. What you need is a bit of something something to make the living room sparkle.

You need a focal point, a conversation starter, one of those magical items that nobody else has. You need people to walk into your living room or dining room and be so stunned by what’s there that they are putty in your hands.

You can’t buy the kind of shock value this piece will give you. It’s one-of-a-kind, it’s classy and it’s sassy, and it’s in stock right now. I can give you the deets and you can swing by to pick it up in a few hours. You can’t say fairer than that.

Avatar Ian’s holiday snaps – #3

Do you feel like a mystery today? I think you’re looking for a mystery and I’ve got exactly what you need.

As I wandered the barren desolate wasteland of Florida, in the hopes of finding something worthy of my time (tad over dramatic, I know) I kept noticing these signs dotted around the place. I saw some on a highway as we drove to a mall one morning and there were also some lurking around the massive McDonalds.

Who keeps leaving these signs? What kind of website are they proposing? Why are there no details or pictures? Who would be insane enough to give money to a random stranger advertising on the corner of a McDonalds?

I kept imagining some sort of lummox on the other end of the phone and he would spin a wheel for every customer. Whatever the wheel would land on, that’s the website you got. You didn’t have a say in the matter and if you tried to he would send the “website boys” round for a little “chat”.

I’ll never get answers to my questions and, settling into my chair at home, thousands of miles away from website man / woman and their shady empire, I’m quite content to leave it that way.