Category: Sexy

Avatar Butter insurance

Take a moment to think about it. Do you have enough cover for your spread?

You may think that butter is something to take for granted because you can buy it from every corner shop and supermarket. It’s readily available. It’s on the tips of your fingers every single day.

But what if it wasn’t? What if it was gone without any explanation whatsoever? What would you do then? Opt for margarine? Would that really do? Are you going to sit your children down and explain to them that margarine is the best you can do?

Here are Butters McButters Inc, we offer the finest butter insurance money can buy. Our lavish offices may suggest we’re all about the profits and satisfying the shareholders with champagne every Friday, but let me reassure you that your butter needs are what’s on my mind 24/7.

What you get with one of our policies is more than your average butter insurance policy; you get peace of mind. If your butter gets stolen, we will replace that butter with a full packet within 24 hours. If we manage to catch the thieves, we’ll give you your butter back… with a smile and a thumbs up. We also cover for many different butter scenarios such as:

  • Not wrapping the butter back properly so that a bit of it goes hard and weird
  • Accidentally wasting some of it because someone didn’t put it securely on the fridge shelf so it fell down and wiped a bit on the shelf below
  • Clowns
  • Bees
  • Preparing some fresh toast and going to pick up the butter only to realise your wife used the last of it earlier on this morning and you’ve got nothing left to smother on that piping hot breakfast

Can your insurance company guarantee you for all of this? I sincerely doubt it.

Don’t put yourself in an uncomfortable position; get butter cover now before the worst happens. You butter believe we’re the best in the biz!

Avatar Are you sure about that?

Picture the scene.

It’s the year 2034. The future is finally here. All those exciting opportunities you’ve been waiting for are finally at your fingertips.

You’ve decided that now is the time to open that restaurant of your own you’ve been dreaming of. Years of working in menial jobs for awful bosses. You’ve saved some money, not enough to buy a business but for a deposit to convince the bank to loan you the rest to get you started.

You scout out a great location in and up and coming area. Plenty of footfall to ensure a healthy turn out in that first shaky year or two. Once the word gets out though you know you’ll have to turn people away, you’ll be that popular. You’ve got a killer menu lined up, stuff that people have never considered before, and you’ve also got the talent to back it up.

Everything is in place. Now, all you need is a memorable name to seal the deal in a wigwam.

Avatar Will I Think of You?

That’s a bit of a loaded question if ever I heard one.

Will you think of me? It depends on what kind of thoughts you have there. If they’re going to get weird and sordid then I’d rather you didn’t. You can keep me away from your dirty mind.

I found this book in a glass cabinet denoting that it is better / rarer than most of the other books in the shop. Notice how young Leonard Nimoy looks on the front, coupled with his description as, “one of the shining stars of Star Trek” and you can gather this book is surely somewhere close to 60 years old.

As it was placed away from general viewing, it meant that I didn’t get to read the shimmering words and haunting images of old Spock. I’m sure they were very deep and meaningful, more than I could ever write anyway.

Avatar Words to live by

Now I’m unsure as to how far this could go. Could you blame them for getting into work late? Would they be a good alibi in some kind of police investigation? Are they able to take the heat off you when you’ve forgotten to pick up, I don’t know, curried lentils from the supermarket?

All I know is that this is a thing and we all need one hanging in our respective hallways / living rooms.

It may save your life someday.

Avatar Your new favourite blank

Okay, hear me out.

You want to make a statement. You’ve been living in your house for a while now and it’s getting a bit drab. You’re tired of looking at the same old bits of furniture. What you need is a bit of something something to make the living room sparkle.

You need a focal point, a conversation starter, one of those magical items that nobody else has. You need people to walk into your living room or dining room and be so stunned by what’s there that they are putty in your hands.

You can’t buy the kind of shock value this piece will give you. It’s one-of-a-kind, it’s classy and it’s sassy, and it’s in stock right now. I can give you the deets and you can swing by to pick it up in a few hours. You can’t say fairer than that.

Avatar Kick out the jam (into your mouth)

Do you like plums?

Do you like jam?

Do you like jammy plums? Then we’ve got the product for you!

‘Kev’s Plums’ is a brand new treat that you and your family can enjoy all day, every day. We’ve taken the rich, tangy taste of plums and mapped that (using a computer) into the best kind of food you could ever have; jam!

Spread it on apples, spread it on potatoes, sponges, pizza and ice cream. You can even spread it on toast.

‘Kev’s Plums’ contains half the sugar you’d expect from other inferior james but with twice the taste. Experts agree with an overwhelming 96% on Rotten Tomatoes and 8.9 score on IMDB.

Bring life back to the party. Bring your life to life with ‘Kev’s Plums’!

(From Kev Inc., a subsiduary of the Kevindo Menendez food dynasty).