Avatar Newsboost – Withering Wasps now Wanted Windfall

New shock discovery by scientists set to change the world’s opinion of one of the most hated animals in existence; the wasp.

Wasps have somewhat of a reputation as a bit of a bad thing. What do they do? They get in your way, they sting you, steal your jam sandwich and run away laughing (or presumably, they don’t make a lot of noise). Now it seems as though the tide may be turning and their time in the sun is coming.

Scientists studying the animals in Bulgaria, in conjunction with ancient medical texts from Greece, have come across a startling revelation. It would appear as though the ancient Greeks actively used them in their daily routine and ‘face wasps’ were used to cleanse and tone. The book in question, ‘To anthrópino sóma: énas éfchristos odigós’ (or ‘The human body: a handy guide’) by Tony Agafya, details a recipe of clay, sand, ash and wasps which was apparently utilised to refresh on a daily basis. The user would cover a nest of yet more wasps in the concoction, transfer it to a small room (such as a cupboard), cover their face in honey and wait for the wasps to descend on them. Later advances in technology resulted in the ‘voúrtsa sfíkas’ or ‘wasp brush’, a small brush with around fifty wasps glued to it. The user would dip the brush in the mixture and apply directly to the face.

Originally when the text was translated in the 19th century it was thought to refer to ‘face wash’. This egregious error has put the human-wasp relations back several hundred years.

“It is quite an eye-opener,” said Melody Humbunkle, chief scientist at the Klonditch Klinger institute in Sofia, Bulgaria. “All this time we were using natural products to clean our faces when one of the main ingredients was missing. This will change everything.”

Since the report was issued, the major skincare companies have been scrambling to develop the first product to incorporate wasps as an active ingredient. Representatives from Lancome, Garnier and even Johnson and Johnson were seen desperately bidding for wasp farms on the open market, a market which was once seen as lucrative and pointless.

“The ancient practises of the Greeks are merely a starting point; we do not advise the public to start smothering their chops in sticky substances in the hope of attracting wasps,” remarked John Disspale, regional secretary for the department of Health and Social Care in the UK. “It would be best to wait for a safe product made by a professional company.”

Specialists predict that even with the lockdown in place, the first wasp face wash will be available on the high street within a month’s time.

Avatar The outer limits of burger

Big news in the world of culinary foods! Doctor Burger, senior lecturer in Burgerology at the University of Hamburg, has just published the results of a major new study into the phenomenon of burgertude, sometimes known as the “essence of burger”. His work has helped to map the outer limits of burgerosity.

Dr. Burger has now developed a linear scale on which beefy bundles can be objectively scored. A 99p McDonalds Saver Menu hamburger scores 3 on the burger scale, for example. A pub menu cheeseburger like this one scores a 6.

Salad (with burger and chips on the side)

What, then, is at the far end of the scale, the furthest extent to which it’s possible to push the concept of burgertude?

Dr. Burger would like to present you with his findings. Scoring an unprecedented 18.3 on the burger scale is this mammoth construction.

It contains two hash browns, a whole taco, multiple jalapeno chilis and a full litre of cheesy sauce. It is approximately one metre in height.

Having visited Dr. Burger’s laboratory, I was able to sample this grotesque meal, and I declare it delicious. Afterwards I was so thoroughly coated in grease and cheesy spicy sauce that I had to have a shower and burn my clothes.

I have no regrets.

Avatar Episode 14: Animal Augmentation

I have to admit this ones a weird one. Usually I give some bullet points of whats going on in the episode but to do that would spoil this one, so you’ll just have to go into it blind.

Good luck.

If you are affected by any of the themes in today’s podcast,… erm… oops.

Avatar New Scientific Breakthrough

It has been a while since I delved into the wonderful world of writing and, following the celebration of my work by Chris last year in his wonderful post, I thought it was only right that I set about on a new project. The fans have been very patient so prior to the announcement through the mailing list I decided to officially let everyone know what I have been working on through the winter months.

Science; such a curious enigma, so many unanswered questions. It litters the streets with everything yet gives nothing back unless you’re willing to throw your legs in. If you breathe, you’re breathing science. If you sit on a bench, that’s science. Have you eaten a sandwich recently? That’s you tasting science. Whatever you’re wearing today that’s a big ole’ pile of science right there. I have personally stared into the eyes of science and feel as though I am now qualified to explain a small piece of the pie to those less fortunate.

Human beings? More like human doings and human goings. They may want you to believe that you are experiencing a wide range of emotions, they you are actually feeling more than really are. When you really take the time to review what it is to be a human you can pretty much allocate everything into two distinct categories:

(a) Confused
(b) Aroused

If you’re reading this you must be a human (or a dog with human eyes) so you know what I mean. All those times you felt “sad” or “hungry” it wasn’t that at all, someone put those words in your mouth. Let’s run through a few examples to explain the point:

Scenario 1

My hamster ran away, joined the circus and is now sending me hate mail in the post because I didn’t change his water as frequently as he wanted. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Confused. You don’t know why your pet of three weeks has unleashed a hell of correspondence upon you. You may feel tears coming down your cheek but really it’s confusion.

Scenario 2

I am beside myself with “hunger”. I did not have any breakfast this morning and due to a heavy workload I will not be able to get out for a proper lunch. I guess I will have to settle for whatever meagre rations I have blurge from the vending machines. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Aroused. All food is sex. You’re craving sex. That pang that you feel in your belly is nothing to do with wanting a Boots meal deal, you need the sensual touch of a woman / man / non-binary whatchamacallit.

Scenario 3

Black Lace have reformed, it is the original line-up and they are touring the country. It has been (I don’t know) thirty years since they last did so and the tickets go on sale tomorrow. You can feel the excitement, the rush and the stress of needing to be online exactly at 9:00am for those once-in-a-lifetime tickets. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Aroused (and probably a little confused). Excitement is joy, joy is pleasure, pleasure is sex. You’re like a bear rubbing itself up against a tree. Why are you getting aroused at the thought of seeing Black Lace live? That’s why you’re also confused.

Light is green, trap is clean. I hope you can all appreciate the amount of effort that I have put into this scientific development; it has taken almost three days to put my findings into works that you non-sciencers would understand. You’re welcome, by the way.

I expect to finish my book in the summer, to be printed (and not set on fire) in autumn.

Avatar Ian’s horoscope

It took him long enough, and I had to ask virtually every day, but Ian has now finally told me his star sign. So now, just in time for the new year, I can give him his horoscope for 2020.

Sagi-taurus

Outlook for 2020

Your love of cake motivates you to accomplish up to three things this year!

Motto: if you can reach it, you can make it sticky.

Love life

King, the god of love and pride, is your ruler and as he starts the year out in Aquarius, your mind opens to new ideas and new sexual positions. A new postman will visit your house between November and December, when your focus will be to make intimate connections to something larger than yourself, like a Volkswagen Passat or a Nisa-branded newsagent.

Venus enters your sign in early March for about three weeks. Pleasure and passion will combine to help you enjoy the finer things in life. The one retrograde period is from mid-May to end of June, during Venus’s trip through Gemini, causing you to ponder the benefits of online dating. While you have a high ratio of kissing within lips, it’s interesting to consider the alternatives.

Fortunes

Uranus, the planet of innuendo, will be ramping your sign all year, causing upheaval. Your outgoing, annoying personality is backed by your power planet, Jupiter. That means your good luck is directly tied to your arms this year, ensuring that you make your own luck by working hard and actively shaping your own future, perhaps by drawing it or even by acting out your desires as charades when you think nobody is looking.

You’re ready to work hard for the pleasures life has to offer – you will get particular joy this year from hot, salty chips, walking the wrong way on an escalator and free online pornography. You don’t have to apologize for that, unless you try to enjoy all three at the same time.

Your senses are awakened, and you will consider launching your own range of salad dressings.

Progress

Winning is your main objective and you can be a sore loser. The sun visits your sign in the spring, but hates you and doesn’t stay for long. Frustrated, you will destroy anything in your path, ramming your way toward achieving your goals. Anyone who stands in your way now will get decked.

The B&M Home Stores sale, from early October to mid-November, helps you reawaken your underlying fire and understand why you’ve been running out of basic toiletries so often. Embrace opportunities for spiritual healing now.

Avatar 2020 State of the Beans Address

Good day to you all. Thank you. You’re very kind.

My name is Sergeant-Major Professor Lord Sir Elbert Louche, KBE. It is a great privilege to join you here at Fairburn Ings visitor centre for the sixth annual State of the Beans Address. Please could I request that you do not feed the ducks until the formalities have concluded, and also please don’t feed any of the crispy Peking duck to the ducks. The RSPB are trying to avoid another Mad Cow Disease type incident with their mallards.

Read More: 2020 State of the Beans Address »

Avatar Leggy Duck

Not so many years ago, Kevin Hill, Science Master, introduced the world to the Majestic Bird Goose – the biggest development in the world of ornithology since the self-boiling egg.

It is now time to introduce the next major leap forward in the world of birds. I am proud to present to you the Leggy Duck.

The Leggy, or “Upstairs”, Duck has all the key advantages of a duck (flotation, quacking, beak etc.) but now mounted atop a much taller length of leg. Just imagine what that means!

  • Greater distance between duck chassis and ground
  • Higher vantage point, resulting in better sense of perspective when surveying territory
  • Leg bendiness allows duck to adjust height when lower altitudes are needed, e.g. when strafing through hostile gunfire
  • Waddling speed of 12mph

The all-new Leggy Duck was also developed to incorporate some of the most popular features of the Majestic Bird Goose, and is capable of some of the most contemptuous pooping-and-strutting-away of any bird on earth. Thanks to the Leggy Duck’s remarkable legginess (or “leggitude” for readers in the US and Canada), users will find its pooping is particularly impressive, with a long drop and broad spread, and its strut devastatingly fast.

The new Leggy Duck: a revolution with feathers™. Order yours now.