Avatar Newsboost – Hunderground Housing cHaos

Controversial prime minister candidate in waiting and all round news buffoon Tub Barsley is causing further commotion down the food chain with his unusual and somewhat illegal approach to affordable housing in the UK.

Even though his constituency is based in the South of England, around the corner from Canterbury, his recently-drawn up plans are for a number of flats and houses in the North-East. It appears as though the urgency for finding new land to build properties on has caused builders and politicians to think outside the box. That said, even Local Authorities are questioning Mr Barsley’s proposed underground scheme.

“I really don’t see what the problem is,” blustered Tub Barsley in a press conference on Monday. “My good friend Church Bollywoggan, the conservative MP for North Tyneside, asked me for help with the issue of housing “up there” and it made perfect sense that if there is no land to build on the surface then the only solution is to go down there. Think about it; you’re closer to the earth’s core therefore it’ll be warmer and the heating bills will be less. The sewerage smells can always be masked by Glade plug-ins. I am one hundred per cent behind this; I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had.”

Mr Barsley, whilst clearly completely off his rocker, clearly has not taken into account the health and safety aspect of building flats in the centuries old sewer system of England. In addition to how the Council would be able to keep these clean enough for people to live in, there is also the complications of rat infestations and the prospect of walking out in the morning to find a turd floating past your front door. These points were further pressed on Mr Barsley.

“As with any housing project there will be quandaries that need to be overcome. I am merely the muse, the idea manager who wants this cherished flower to bloom so that those people who need a place to stay have somewhere that is in the area they already live and, ultimately, is affordable within their limited income,” said Tub Barsley, owner of three houses in London, two ostentatious holiday cabins in Devon and a luxurious flat over in the South of France.

When asked the last time it was that Mr Barsley visited the North-East of England, he remarked that he had seen it on a map “within the last few years”.

Avatar Newsboost LATE EDITION – ‘Fat Ankles’ Strikes Again

Residents in the North-West part of England are under threat once again from the notorious local graffiti artist, Fat Ankles.

Photos obtained from a reliable source show the mysterious tagger going at various walls in the loveliest parts of Lytham St Anne’s. They had previously been spotted in areas of Preston, Blackburn and Kirkham, and seem to strike at random rather than following some kind of sensible pattern.

Members of the Local Authority are baffled by the exploits of the graffiti artist because no matter how many security cameras they put up they are still without any footage of the damage being done.

“It’s unusual to say the least,” rambled Audrey Rampart, head of the local police constabulary. “This person or persons leave no trace of ever being there apart from the aforementioned message of ‘Fat Ankles’. I mean, are they having a go at everyone with fat ankles or do they call themselves ‘Fat Ankles’? It’s not a great nickname by any stretch of the imagination. If it were me, I would use something much more imaginative like ‘Anal Jumper’ or ‘Florida Cottage Ski Jump’. Now those names are eye-catching.”

As well as the diverse locations of graffiti, there are no consistencies when it comes to font, font colour or punctuation. Sometimes they use capital letters, other times the message is entirely in lower case. Once it was even attempted with numbers with a ‘FAT ANK135’, written on the garage door of Barney Botham’s Limousine Rides and More, a profitable business from Blackpool, with no explanation for doing so.

It seems as though the rampage, if you can really call it that, will continue unless someone can step in and put a stop to the whole affair. You can bet that it won’t be Audrey Rampart. “I once did a stakeout and fell asleep five minutes in. Caffeine makes me sleepy rather than keeps me awake. I woke up the next morning with a coat hanger in my hair and glitter on my teeth. It wasn’t even really a stakeout, we don’t do those in this country. I was sat waiting for the drive-through at McDonalds to quieten down.”

If you have any information which may assist the police, please send it to the police.

Avatar Newsboost – Worried Wizard Woes

The newest issue of ‘Magic Monthly’ has rated every kind or type of wizard in the modern world and it has left several feeling slightly embarrassed. The magazine had been threatening to do this for the last few months and it seems as if September, following a summer of misery for fantasy and everything else in general, was the best time to unleash it.

It will come as no surprise to regular readers of the periodical that the usual crowd occupied the top five spots: magicians, mages, wizards of light, wizards of power and Dynamo in no particular order. In a shock turn of events though many that had previously rated pretty highly were left lurking in the lower numbers. This was the first time in twenty-five years that the novelty of Shit Wizards has not transferred into the popular levels of the top twenty.

“I don’t understand,” muttered Jack Hengly, leader of the Shit Wizard Collective, “everybody loves a shit wizard. I’ve made a career out of it. You go to pull a rabbit out of a hat and you accidentally spray mace in some kid’s eye. It’s a time-honoured tradition, especially in the UK. Quite what we did to earn number thirty-seven out of fifty is anyone’s guess.”

Lark Fonglebund, the representative of the Gangly Wizards, was also left similarly dumbfounded at their entry at number forty-four. “We’ve never placed anything lower than the late twenties. I was discussing this with my brethren last night via Skype and none of us could get our head’s around it. It feels very personal, I have taken this very personally. It’s practically bullying. They should feel ashamed of themselves.”

It came as no surprise to anyone when Chav Wizards hit number fifty straight away. There has never been any call for Chav Wizards, nor has anyone ever requested them, nor have they ever done anything deemed worthy by the magic community. In fact, nobody knows where they originally came from; it was as though they emerged during the night when everyone was sleeping and it was too late to do anything about them. This overall impression of those who can cast a spell to double their benefits in a matter of seconds hasn’t changed in decades.

“Look mate,” slurred Barry Scraggle, with a tab protruding from his mouth and a can of Newcastle Brown Ale in his battle-scarred hand, “we’ve had a bad reputation from day one. I don’t know why the f*cking f*ck cloud panty w*nkers have a problem with us. Yeah, all we do is drink cider and argue loudly in public places but that’s not against law. Well, part of it is. Some of it is. We know how to have a good time and those other hoity toity bookworm a*se cloggers are too busy making chapstick out of dragon’s earwax to notice.”

Not everyone hit the ground face first though. Animal wizards saw a surge in popularly, especially Weasel Wizards who landed the number nine spot a clear five places ahead of last year’s winners, the Beagles.

Avatar Newsboost – Zany Zoo Zig-Zag

Thailand has opened a brand new zoo and it is one that has garnered the attention of the world’s media for offering a different kind of experience.

The ‘Khop Khun Animal Sanctuary’ based outside of the city of Phuket is revolutionary in its approach to animal captivity, if you can even call that. The entire park is open with no walls or barriers keeping the animals in one singular place. Instead, in order to keep visitors safe, every member must wear their very own human cage, placed around their head, body and legs to prevent any unwanted attention from the most rambunctious of residents.

Originally the idea of billionaire John Cho, it was fully realised, albeit with the help of Cho’s money, by Anastasia and Lloyd Botham, a couple originally from Milton Keynes. It was these forward-thinking biologists who designed the layout of the attraction with the animals in mind, more than the people.

“We wanted it to be outside inside, or more appropriately, we didn’t want the animals to know they were being kept inside something,” wittered Lloyd, “Their sense of freedom is much more important than anything else. They need to believe that nothing is stopping them from living their best life and though it may not be the habitat they are normally used to, it is much more humane than tiny cages in dingy corners of draughty warehouses.”

Anastasia was the one who crafted the “human cages” as they have come to be known as. “I was inspired by robots. I love the movement of robots, the style and look of robots. It then occurred to me that when people get close to sharks they lower themselves into the water in a giant cage for protection. Why not do the same thing on land? Not with sharks though because they’d die, unless they were put in a giant tank. I reckon it wouldn’t be the same though.”

After ten minutes of waffling she returned to the point. “We have several cages available for use. The family cage (AKA the “Bernard Manning”) is our most popular, allowing two adults and two children to wander through the park in tandem. The couple cage (AKA the “Howard and Marina”) is another favourite, for those who don’t want to chance it on their own. The solo cages (the “Katie Hopkins”) are also available although you’d be surprised at how often they are not used. People would prefer to travel in groups.

The controversy surrounding the sanctuary was deepened when several of the animals took it upon themselves to try and eat the paying patrons by pushing the cages over and clawing at the people like they were trying to scoop the last of the Pringles from the very bottom of the tube. Mike Sore and his fiancee, Klara Onspott, barely made it out alive.

“It was the most terrifying experience of my life,” rustled Mike, his wife-to-be shaking nervously at his side, “you never expect it to happen to you. There we were, laughing at the marmots when these two gorillas pushed over our cage and viciously swiping at us. Had we not flattened ourselves at the very bottom and called for help we wouldn’t be here today. Thank God gorillas have never had a box of Tic-Tacs.”

It’s fair to say that once the animal kingdom does learn about shaking that last chocolate-covered raisin from the bottom of the packet into the mouth in one seamless movement, the human race is doomed.

Avatar Newsboost – Old Codger Couple Cooks up Controversy

Shock news today as it was revealed that the two old people in the UK road sign are not actually two people, it is one person and her ventriloquist puppet.

The sign, which warns the general public of the impending danger of the elderly, has been in use for over 70 years and only now has it been revealed by the UK government that the second person is a puppet. At the time it was intended that two people be present in the picture only when it came to paint it one of them took a longer nap than intended and didn’t show up. Luckily the original model, Constance Felling, was an avid marionette aficionado and had her puppet, Swallow Thard, fill in the gap.

Constance has since passed on but we did manage to speak to a surviving relative, her daughter Rosemary. “David never arrived. They waited over an hour for him and he never emerged. His house phone rang and rang with no luck so the team divided into two; one set went to check that he hadn’t died and the other carried on with the sign. Mum was ever so resourceful and whipped out Swallow so the work could progress. They had to make the legs look less lifeless so they drew mum’s legs twice and put a set under Swallow. David was fine, a little drowsy from his sleep and nothing more. He was too late though as it was all finished by the time he arrived.”

She took a sip of her Special Brew and carried on, “That’s why it looks the way it does, as though the woman at the back is squeezing the bum of the guy in front. Everyone has been laughing at it for all these years and it’s nothing to do with sexual harassment; mum actually had her arm up his arse.”

The ‘Elderly People’ sign was voted the fifth most popular in England and Wales after a poll in 2011.

This follows on from February’s news when it was revealed that the person in the ‘Caution: Pedestrian Crossing’ the road sign wasn’t crossing at all, he was punching an Irishman in the stomach for sleeping with his wife.

Avatar Newsboost – Withering Wasps now Wanted Windfall

New shock discovery by scientists set to change the world’s opinion of one of the most hated animals in existence; the wasp.

Wasps have somewhat of a reputation as a bit of a bad thing. What do they do? They get in your way, they sting you, steal your jam sandwich and run away laughing (or presumably, they don’t make a lot of noise). Now it seems as though the tide may be turning and their time in the sun is coming.

Scientists studying the animals in Bulgaria, in conjunction with ancient medical texts from Greece, have come across a startling revelation. It would appear as though the ancient Greeks actively used them in their daily routine and ‘face wasps’ were used to cleanse and tone. The book in question, ‘To anthrópino sóma: énas éfchristos odigós’ (or ‘The human body: a handy guide’) by Tony Agafya, details a recipe of clay, sand, ash and wasps which was apparently utilised to refresh on a daily basis. The user would cover a nest of yet more wasps in the concoction, transfer it to a small room (such as a cupboard), cover their face in honey and wait for the wasps to descend on them. Later advances in technology resulted in the ‘voúrtsa sfíkas’ or ‘wasp brush’, a small brush with around fifty wasps glued to it. The user would dip the brush in the mixture and apply directly to the face.

Originally when the text was translated in the 19th century it was thought to refer to ‘face wash’. This egregious error has put the human-wasp relations back several hundred years.

“It is quite an eye-opener,” said Melody Humbunkle, chief scientist at the Klonditch Klinger institute in Sofia, Bulgaria. “All this time we were using natural products to clean our faces when one of the main ingredients was missing. This will change everything.”

Since the report was issued, the major skincare companies have been scrambling to develop the first product to incorporate wasps as an active ingredient. Representatives from Lancome, Garnier and even Johnson and Johnson were seen desperately bidding for wasp farms on the open market, a market which was once seen as lucrative and pointless.

“The ancient practises of the Greeks are merely a starting point; we do not advise the public to start smothering their chops in sticky substances in the hope of attracting wasps,” remarked John Disspale, regional secretary for the department of Health and Social Care in the UK. “It would be best to wait for a safe product made by a professional company.”

Specialists predict that even with the lockdown in place, the first wasp face wash will be available on the high street within a month’s time.

Avatar Newsboostnight

Newsboost is going to be 11 years old this year. I watched it again recently and I’m still pretty pleased with it now, but back when we made it, it’s fair to say it was the crowning achievement of my life.

Obviously we wanted to do another one, and for a while there was a short-lived plan to follow up the news bulletin Newsboost with a late night current affairs programme called Newsboostnight.

It was going to be a special programme looking in depth at a scandal surrounding The Papples. This was when the only Papples album was “Masterpiece”, and we’d realised that all the songs on that album basically had the same tune.

Since there’s nothing in my life at the moment, and I have nothing much to write about, I thought I’d post the three pages of script that were written for Newsboostnight so you can enjoy them.

Read More: Newsboostnight »

Avatar Newsboost – It Was Actually Raining Men

Shock and confusion in the North West of England earlier on today when the most unusual of weather conditions hit a small town on the coast. Locals of Workington were treated to a freak downpour of men for half an hour around midday.

It initially brought to mind the 1982 hit by Australian music duo The Weather Girls, now fully realised and in 3D, except rather than the fun and bouncy pop song it actually resembled something from the mind of the late Iain Banks or possibly Clive Barker.

The first wave of men arrived around 12:11pm; they hit the ground pretty hard and died instantly. The high street was full of meaty chunks of what used to be men and young children with their parents watched as a long stream of blood drained past the local shops and down into the sewers. This was one instance where it was in your best interests not to get absolutely soaking wet. A few managed to cling to the sides of buildings and one was lucky enough to land on a church roof, waving frantically at nobody and scratching his crotch.

The second wave came a few short minutes afterwards. They were a bit more prepared and used the first wave as a cushion. There were still several injuries, sprains and lacerations but most of the men managed to hobble away mostly intact, muttering about hammers and how they miss the old car tax discs.

There was a pause of about five minutes before the third wave hit somewhere around 12:22. This sudden influx of middle-aged men was enough to send the townsfolk screaming back into their homes. Both receding and balding, overweight, unwashed and showing far too much flesh, they tried to buy a bag of apples using a fifty pound note only to be told by the fruit and veg stall owner that he didn’t have that much change on him. They all simultaneously tutted and wandered off, arguing over whose personalised licence plate was the best.

The last wave took everyone by surprise. It was believed that the third wave was the final one so when the pensioners arrived at 12:45pm people didn’t quite know what to think. If you’ve ever stared down a sky of wrinkly, sagging flesh, all spectacles and cod liver oil, the faint stench of dank filtering up your nostrils, then you’re a braver man than me. Half of them didn’t make it because the first wave had been cleared away by the Council so there was nothing left to soften the fall. The other half forgot what they were doing halfway through, turned around and flew back up into the sky.

“I have never seen anything like it before,” said Mavis Goggins, landlord of local tavern ‘The Shinty Knees’. “I have lived here for thirty five years and this is the first time we’ve ever had tourists.”

Scientists are yet to explain the bizarre meteorological phenomena. When asked for a comment about it they simply replied, “weasels.”

Science cannot make sense of everything, at least not yet.