Good news! For decades now, the rise of the computer age has seen the machines slowly automating one tedious task after another, freeing up the human race for higher and nobler pursuits, like watching reality TV or arguing about which Pokemon is best.
I have to admit this ones a weird one. Usually I give some bullet points of whats going on in the episode but to do that would spoil this one, so you’ll just have to go into it blind.
If you are affected by any of the themes in today’s podcast,… erm… oops.
So, here’s a thing that just happened.
I logged in to the Beans and there were lots of updates pending, and because I’m a helpful sort of chap, I said yes, let’s run those updates. The updates have installed WordPress 5.0.2.
You may or may not care about that, and certainly when it finished doing its clever whizbottery I was, at best, nonplussed. But it turns out that one of the things that has changed is the editor where you write new posts. It is different. It is more different than anything you’ve ever seen. Right now, while you’re reading this, you don’t believe me, and you’re thinking that it’s just a box where you type stuff and it can’t be that different.
But you’re wrong.
It’s so different.
There isn’t even a box.
If you want to figure out how to make it do stuff, there are some words here that will explain things. I bequeath you this important document to assist you on your journey of discovery.
Good luck, comrades. Good luck as we march onwards, to face our destiny, toward the brave new beans of 2019.
Things are complicated now, aren’t they? There’s a lot going on.
I can’t fix that, but I can give you a ninety second holiday from all the complicated stuff in the world of 2018 by taking you back in time to 2012, an innocent age when anything seemed possible, and three handsome young men asked themselves the question: why should a man only be able to drink one cup of tea at once?
OK. That’s all there is. Now get back to your stupid complicated life.
It’s discount plastic cow week here at Chris’s Crazy Plastic Cow Warehouse! Come on down and take advantage of our amazing price reductions before we moo-ve on!
This week I have been to Brighton, another seaside town, where large numbers of people who like red things best have gathered for a conference about what it would be like if people who like red things are in charge of everybody. Some of them seem to be under the impression that they already are. Others are arguing about what sort of people who like red things should be in charge of the people who like red things and whether some of the people who like red things like red things more than some of the other people.
As before, I have decided that it’s important I should share my findings of this place with the magnificent readership of the Beans. I learned three things in Brighton.
First, I learned that sand can be really big. Brighton beach is made of sand so big that it’s basically pebbles. Like, each grain is properly pebble sized. I’ve heard it said that they actually are pebbles, but that’s clearly silly because beaches are made of sand.
Second, Brighton is full of very attractive people. Everyone in Brighton is not just beautiful but also very cool, in a sort of unintimidating and effortless way. I feared that I would not fit in with this sort of demographic and feared being rounded up by the police and removed from the town on account of my decidedly ordinary appearance. In the end my boss cut my trip short and redeployed me back to London two days early, which I think was just a cover for the fact that he’d got word from the authorities that I would be exiled if I didn’t leave of my own accord.
The third thing I learned is that you can get a machine that automatically makes pancakes at the push of a button. I know because there was one at breakfast in my hotel.
I was so amazed that I made a video of it, which I have presented here for your enjoyment. The video is soundtracked with an excerpt from the 1996 hit song “Coco Jambo” by Mr President.
If you read the papers you’ll already know that Kevindo Menendez – now properly styled Lord Chang of Micklefield – recently sold his former home, a palatial residence that he had spent most of his life enlarging and expanding to a size copiously documented here in the past.
A property of that magnitude, crossing numerous county and parish borders and easily visible from space, naturally fetches a handsome price, and so the estate he has now purchased with the proceeds is one of the largest in the world. I understand it has its own representation at the UN and is a member of NATO.
I was recently offered the privilege of visiting this magnificent residence where I helped Chang himself assemble new furniture.
Ikea do not sell furniture even nearly big enough for this new house, and their normal wares would look like miniature dolls house furniture in its cavernous rooms. That’s why we took several flat-pack kits and re-engineered them to build this behemoth.
The people from Guinness have not yet visited – or rather, to be strictly accurate, they came as soon as we called but they are still travelling up the driveway and are due to arrive a week on Thursday. But we fully expect this unprecedented masterpiece of joinery will be officially confirmed as the largest sideboard in the Western Hemisphere when they finally see it.