It’s here! Many years late and all the more welcome for it, we now present The Official Book of London 2014, “#Chris30”. It is of course from the fateful time Kev and Ian came to see me in London for my birthday, and Kev wasn’t very well, but we still played dinosaur golf anyway.
It’s a rollercoaster of long-forgotten birthday emotion, featuring:
The invention of Smidge Manly
The David Craig Face Clock
Tit tetris (titris)
Chris’s chunky ass
Sadsack’s sick sack
You can read it right now on the Books page or, if you don’t want to go via the Books page, you can read it by clicking exactly here.
Now we are all partial to a little Smidge Manly impression every now and then. In fact as soon as anyone utters the word, “Right…” I am quick to repeat the same in my head using that voice. It’s now an impulse reaction; it happens no matter what I do. If you want to land smack dab right in the middle of Smidge territory you reach for a solitary, “Right…” and it will send you straight there.
A couple of years ago I managed to unearth an advert over in Europe where Smidge was being illegally used to sell ‘Coco Loco’ (see HERE with your seeing eyes). Following a class action lawsuit, justice was served and the ads were promptly removed through the actions of our legal representative, Nicholas J. Wolfwood (attorney at law). It seems as though this is not the only improper use of our hero floating through the cosmos.
Photos have recently emerged of a Smidge Manly double roaming the streets of Sunderland, Tyne and Wear. I set my “team” the task of doing the ground work to try and flush out this charlatan. A tip was received earlier on this week and we set the biz league into focus (what?). I myself tried to apprehend the culprit but he managed to run away and out the door before my tiny hands caught him. Had I not had to remove from trousers, which were caught on the door handle of a badly-positioned meat factory, I would have smashed the fiend.
Each and every double Smidge walking the streets is taking money from the mouth of Mr Manly. Rather than include actual physical evidence I have instead included a drawing of the imposter literally stealing food from Smidge. Literally. I cannot stress the proper use of that word enough.
Look at how forceful he is. Look at him stealing Smidge’s taco, a food I’m sure he eats on a semi-regular basis. Take a good, hard view of his harsh tone and capital letters of filth. The swine.
If anyone has further information that may be of use to the police or “the team” then do let us know.
What is time? I don’t know. I mean, I know what It’s Time is – it’s a horrendous album – but I don’t know what time is. And you don’t either. If you think you do, try explaining it to someone, and you’ll immediately hear the ignorance falling stupidly out of your mouth.
Not to worry. Smidge Manly, renowned world expert on railways and Essex, returns once again to the world of science to answer all your questions.
That’s the last in the present series of Smidge on Science. Will he be back? We simply don’t know. Only time will tell.
You can feel the wind, can’t you? You can hold up your hand when you’re outdoors and feel it. But you can’t see it. Have you ever noticed that?
If you haven’t noticed that, then don’t feel bad. It’s just that you and I don’t have the keen scientific mind of Smidge Manly. He did notice that, and what’s more he tracked down a couple of experts who could help him, and you, the ignorant public, to understand why.
Rejoice, for the third episode of Smidge on Science is with us, and it contains an unexpected appearance from an old friend!
In this confusing and ever-changing world, we can all welcome a bit of guidance; an expert voice who can make things clear and brush away our doubts. Nowhere is the need for that clarity and wisdom more necessary than in the realm of science.
Thankfully, Smidge Manly is here and, over four episodes, he’s going to explain all there is to know about the “big four” scientific disciplines: time, wind, rain, and cars.
Obviously, he’s going to start with cars.
The next episode will arrive in precisely seventeen days, by order of Kev.
It’s been a few years, but Smidge Manly hasn’t been wasting his time. No, since he finished answering all your questions about railways, he’s been turning his attention to the wider world, and very soon he’ll be ready to explain some of its greatest mysteries to you, his adoring public.
His new series, Smidge on Science, is in post-production right now. In it, he’ll be exploring the four key subjects in the world of science: wind, rain, time and cars.
To whet your appetite, and to remind you again of Smidge’s keen journalistic insight and forensic questioning style, here’s an informative and valuable interview he conducted that didn’t make it into the finished series.
There I was, walking around the streets of Carlisle in the rain like Sadsack from ‘Raggydolls’, when I came across this advertisement in the window of a pharmacy:
We are all aware of the Finnish authentic / fake advert for Coco Loco posted last year, which illegally used Smidge Manly’s likeness to sell coconut oil, yet this is news to me.
Not only does the image look nothing like him but the paparrazi seem to have caught Smidge on a particularly bad day. It is the kind of picture you would see being pushed through the newspaper tabloids under some abusive headline like, “Smidge Piles on the Pounds on the beach,” or, “Sensational Smidge Photos will shock your senses!”
I would suggest some sort of lawsuit immediately because this level of misunderstanding at worst and sensationalism at best should not be tolerated. I am calling my solicitor, Mr James Titan, once I have finished writing this.