In May last year, you might remember that I brought a little classical beauty into the lives of my work colleagues when I anonymously gifted the Mona Lisa to the men’s toilets on the third floor.
I was under no illusion that this artwork would be permanently displayed, and so it was little surprise that, after ten or eleven months, it vanished without warning, leaving an empty frame to greet toilet-goers once more. To be honest, I was pleased it lasted as long as it did.
My quest to bring culture to the workplace has not ended there, though. No, it continues, with renewed vigour. Since the Mona Lisa was taken down I’ve chosen to assume that the Toilet Overlords at work aren’t keen on renaissance realism, so my latest contribution is something more abstract.
For gentlemen on their way to their most personal ablutions, I now proudly present Piet Mondrian’s Composition London 1940-42.
The scene reveals a man, a woman and a teenage boy in the kitchen of a semi-detached house. A television can be heard coming from the living room. Two or three dogs are roaming the kitchen floor looking for scraps.
S: Go on, tell your dad about the floor pasta. I: The what? R: It’s because I brought home a packet of spaghetti that I found on the floor. It’s still sealed, it’s not minging or anything. I: I see. Dubious but still useful I suppose. R: Oh come on, don’t tell me you wouldn’t because I know you would! It’s free food and it’s perfectly usable. I: Whereabouts did you find this? R: When I was walking home from school. I: A lone packet of spaghetti just lying there on the floor. R: In the street, yeah. I looked around to see if anyone had dropped it but I was the only one there.
Later that evening. Still in the kitchen.
I: We’re a little concerned about the floor pasta. Are you sure you didn’t steal it? Come on now, if you’re going to risk going to jail for a 50p pack of spaghetti then I think we need to get you to a psychologist. R: I knew you would do this. S: If you’re a klepto just own up to it, we won’t judge you. R: This is nonsense. I: You have to admit the story sounds a bit too convenient, a bit too farfetched if you ask me. R: Yes it does but it’s true, well, apart from the bit about finding it on the floor. I: Come again? R: I didn’t find it on the floor I found it in a trolley. I: Here we go. S: So it wasn’t on the floor, you stole it from a trolley in Sainsburys? R: The trolley wasn’t in Sainsburys, it was in an alley. I: This sounds even less believable. Which alley? R: You know the one that’s equidistant between Sainsburys and Dhillons fish shop? I: No, surprisingly not. I’m not out measuring equal distances between two places near where you live. R: It was a trolley there and it was full of pasta. I: Full of pasta, a trolley full of pasta lying in an alley sort of behind a supermarket, just left there for anyone to take. R: Yes. I checked and it’s in date, it’s not as if it was out of date goods or anything. S: So with all that pasta available to take you only took one small packet of spaghetti? R: Yes! I didn’t want to be greedy. S: This is sounding less believable the more he says. I: You’re telling me. R: Look, I know you don’t believe me and that’s fine. This isn’t the first time it’s happened anyway.
The man and the woman look at each other with the same confused look.
S: So how many times has it happened? R: <thinks> about nine or ten. I: So nine or ten times you’ve been walking from school and you’ve come across a shopping trolley filled to the brim with pasta and this is the first time you’ve thought to mention it? R: Like you would have believed me anyway…
Crisis in the world today as the World Margaret Organisation launches counterattack against the virtual virus spreading through the nations.
Through general word of mouth as well as a fitting and rather catchy song, the expression, “Stick it up your Margaret” has swept through the population like Romans at an orgy. We’ve seen everything from Tik Toks to vox pops, viral videos, memes and more tweets than a batch of fresh hens. Most people see it as a fad that will fade into obscurity within a few months however those who have been on the receiving end of it have not been able to take it in quite the same way.
As with most things, certain people have taken it a step too far. Leader of the World Margaret Organisation, Margaret Margarine, explains.
“It started off as something quite tame and within a few weeks has turned into something revolting and puerile. We’ve had reports of other Margarets being harangued in the streets by random passers by, heckling them with threats of sticking things up them. Now I’m not opposed to having someone wear me like a mink glove but only in the right context. The many Margarets in not only this fine nation but also further afield are being bullied and it’s just not on.”
Reports of “Margaret misalignment” as some experts are calling it have increased two thousand per cent since the beginning of January, helped by the popularity of social media platforms and general human silliness.
“Our dedicated helpline,” Margaret continues, “is available 24/7 for those who wish to document these instances to help the police round up those responsible. There haven’t been many arrests so far yet I am confident that as long as us Margarets stick together we will make it through this!”
During the early hours of the morning, the World Margaret Organisation issued a press release which reiterated these comments but also struck back with a sign of retaliation not expected. The WMO have written not one but two of their own jingles, “Slide it back to Colin” and “Bunty’s got your number.” A third effort entitled, “Force it up your Richard” was deemed too racy and dropped at the last minute.
The Dynasty of Colins and the Bunty Bouquet are yet to comment.
Residents in the North-West part of England are under threat once again from the notorious local graffiti artist, Fat Ankles.
Photos obtained from a reliable source show the mysterious tagger going at various walls in the loveliest parts of Lytham St Anne’s. They had previously been spotted in areas of Preston, Blackburn and Kirkham, and seem to strike at random rather than following some kind of sensible pattern.
Members of the Local Authority are baffled by the exploits of the graffiti artist because no matter how many security cameras they put up they are still without any footage of the damage being done.
“It’s unusual to say the least,” rambled Audrey Rampart, head of the local police constabulary. “This person or persons leave no trace of ever being there apart from the aforementioned message of ‘Fat Ankles’. I mean, are they having a go at everyone with fat ankles or do they call themselves ‘Fat Ankles’? It’s not a great nickname by any stretch of the imagination. If it were me, I would use something much more imaginative like ‘Anal Jumper’ or ‘Florida Cottage Ski Jump’. Now those names are eye-catching.”
As well as the diverse locations of graffiti, there are no consistencies when it comes to font, font colour or punctuation. Sometimes they use capital letters, other times the message is entirely in lower case. Once it was even attempted with numbers with a ‘FAT ANK135’, written on the garage door of Barney Botham’s Limousine Rides and More, a profitable business from Blackpool, with no explanation for doing so.
It seems as though the rampage, if you can really call it that, will continue unless someone can step in and put a stop to the whole affair. You can bet that it won’t be Audrey Rampart. “I once did a stakeout and fell asleep five minutes in. Caffeine makes me sleepy rather than keeps me awake. I woke up the next morning with a coat hanger in my hair and glitter on my teeth. It wasn’t even really a stakeout, we don’t do those in this country. I was sat waiting for the drive-through at McDonalds to quieten down.”
If you have any information which may assist the police, please send it to the police.