Avatar Dear Beans… Furious Locker Fetish Frenzy

I have been meaning to make a confession for some time now because it’s happened again and it happened right under my nose. I didn’t mean it to happen and it did. Oh, what a fragile and tragic series of events it was!

Some years ago I “purchased” a locker from a local art gallery. By “purchase” I mean I paid the £1.00 to use the locker and then kept on using it. It was practically a purchase after all because money changed hands, they got something and I got something. I would return to the locker to store things inside, hiding them away like a squirrel burying nuts for the winter. After several months of this I returned to a sign telling me that my purchase had been rescinded and the art gallery had taken the locker back by force. This was completely unacceptable and in my outrage I fled the scene and never returned. I didn’t agreed to these terms and yet I was being forced to comply with them. Absolute b*stards.

All those lovely trinkets of mine were lost. I had several diamond necklaces, a couple of Monets (rolled up very tightly and very carefully of course), a wallet full of oil and a Chinese urn signed by every member of the Ming dynasty amongst other things. Priceless.

In my new place of work I was assigned a locker. Actually, it’s less a locker and more lockable filing cabinet. It’s mine though and I keep only the essentials in there in case it gets taken away from me again. It’s a very busy office so the majority of the lockers are already taken by other members of staff however a few nights ago I was walking through and noticed that I was making a mental note of the odd ones that were still free. I had previously borrowed one to keep my gym items in until I worked out how to use the lockers at the gym (that’s another story in itself). When I returned to my locker the next day though I realised that the one adjacent to it was free. How had I not realised this before? Why was this only being brought to my attention now?

I took the key and kept it. Obviously the idea of knocking through the wall to make it a double locker is not permittable but it’s still good to have a spare. Is it though? Am I only coveting the locker because I can and because of what happened previously? Am I destined to continue to take lockers that don’t belong to me? I don’t need it and yet I keep it as mine.

I need some advice so please help in any way you can.

Yours stealingly

Fencepost Nundidge

7 comments on “Dear Beans… Furious Locker Fetish Frenzy

  • Hi Fencepost,

    You remind me very much of someone I know who did the exact same thing you did, and, coincidentally, whose account you’ve used to post this to the Beans. What a funny old world.

    Anyway, I say: dream big. Do knock through that wall and get yourself a lovely open plan double locker, and as more keys become available take those too. In a few years you’ll have opened up the whole space inside the locker cabinet to provide spacious living quarters at no cost. Then you do it up and sell it for a fortune.

    You’re welcome.


  • I agree with Chris, take what you can and yah boo sucks to the rest of them. If you can acquire several square footage of space then you could always knock down the lockers and erect a garage or a studio apartment.

  • My pop-up street food stalls would pretend they were from some exotic location such as Vietnam or Taiwan when really it would be unknown meats covered in a heavy mix of the cheapest spices. Because I’m a git.

  • So, offcuts from the butcher covered in cinnamon, salt and pepper?

    I’m interested. How are you cooking them?

  • Mate, I’m sorry, but I have to get my ideas from somewhere. My all-croquettes cookbook was such a runaway success that I’m under a lot of pressure to come up with a sequel.

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