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You start off with a short sentence to ease them in.

Then you lean back with a slightly longer one just to prove that you’re capable of doing more than stringing together a couple of flashy, sticky dib-dabs.

So, after what can only be described as the complete runaway success of my expertly put-together phrase, “Sweet Petunia!” it has unfortunately become far too popular. Everywhere I go these days it is being ushered on street corners, shouted on fruit stalls, giggled in dog-grooming parlours and whispered down sewer grates. It takes a brave man to take a step back and even though I still hold her dear to my heart I think it is time to retire, “Sweet Petunia!” and look to pastures new.

I was in recent discussion with Senor Menendez and Master Reuben about my plight and they too were sad to see her go so soon but understood my reasons for doing so. Getting rid of her was the easiest part; finding a suitable and equally genius replacement would be where the toil began. Luckily being around academics such as these, it was finger wiggle time within a matter of minutes.

Can you replace “Sweet Petunia”? Of course you can. You need something catchy, something clever but also something people can identify with. You don’t want to push that sweet, sweet candy away. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the worthy replacement:

“Penny Vincenzi!”

I would have had, “Barry Norman!” but Master Reuben came up with it first and told me I would have to pay him royalties whenever I mentioned it. You have to be quick off the mark in this game.

6 comments on “Trendsetter

  • I don’t know who you think was ushering Sweet Petunia on street corners but the only ushering I was ever aware of was when she was being ushered quickly out of the room because nobody could stand her.

    Penny sounds no better and if she’s got any sense she’ll pack her bags and get out of town before I catch sight of her again.

  • I know you’re upset that you didn’t come up with it first but that’s no reason to take it out on her. She’s gracefully taken a step to one side to let the new generation flourish.

    Just try Penny for a while. Stretch your feet out; get right in there, fully appreciate her.

  • Might you put your feet in her if she was singing TMBG and clutching a massive bowl of traffic light jelly?

  • No. You can’t tempt me. My feet remain in the open air, or at worst, inside a pair of shoes. I will not, under any circumstances, be enticed to put my feet inside a living person or creature.

  • You could learn so much by putting your feet in her though. Think of the memories, the adventures and the romance?

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