The simple bag for life has a simple idea; it is your bag and you have it for life. There is nothing else about it. It doesn’t want to make your life any better apart from helping you to carry your shopping and occasionally maybe a child or a small dog if they can fit. So what could controversial MP Tub Barsley possibly have against them?
He could have a lot against them is the correct response. He has so much against them that he’s practically turning all his beef into a portion of spaghetti bolognaise that could feed seven elderly relatives for the duration of Lent (unless they have happened to give up meat, tomatoes or pasta for it). Mr Barsley has recently published an article damning bags for life because whilst good in theory they do not live up to expectations.
“People buy ’em all the time,” he writes, “and they clearly have good intentions but they never get used. You’ll find ’em at the back of cupboards and wardrobes or under carpets and hiding in trees rather than in your hand at a supermarket. They’re not convenient enough to carry around. We could easily point the fingers at the people who forget to bring them shopping but I would never accuse anyone in my constituency of such a thing. It’s much easier to blame an inanimate object, and for that reason I urge everyone to boycott bags for life.”
One person who doesn’t share the same view as Mr Barsley is Geraldine Ambicott, a voracious young gardener from Milton Keynes. Geraldine has developed an obsession with bags for life and has been known to purchase up to seventeen at the same time, even if she does remember to brings hers with her when she is shopping. Those suffering from this affliction are known in the community as ‘Baggers’ or ‘Bag-nep-pollops’ in Wales.
“I just like them. I feel compelled to pick them up and rub them against my ankles whenever I get the chance,” Geraldine explains, “On my last count I had around three hundred in total. The staff at my local supermarket now refuse to serve me if I am holding, clutching or drooling over a bag for life and I don’t blame them. I know I have a problem; I just wish that someone could sit me down or tie me to a chair and help me. I don’t think Mr Barsley is fair with his comments; bags for life are helping the environment and that can only be a good thing. It’s just chumpos like me who give them a bad name.”
The most publicised Bagger is pop sensation Quinze who declared last month that she owns five outfits made of bags for life and has been known to wander around Asda at 2am putting jars of peanut butter between her legs.