Hello, and to a certain extent, welcome. Thank you for coming. My name is The Honourable Sergeant-Major Professor Lord Sir Elbert Louche, KBE, and it is with great pleasure and moderate smugness that I return again this year to deliver the annual State of the Beans Address.
It is a very different address this year, of course. For social distancing reasons, I am speaking to you from the top of the ornate clock tower that adorns the Beans, with my voice amplified using all the many shouters attached to the corners of the tower. And for you, the audience, this is a drive-in event. I must ask you to please remain within your cars, and choose between either opening your windows slightly for ventilation, or breathing. You cannot do both.
My colleagues and I, working tirelessly at the University of the Internet’s new underground Large Blog Post Collider facility in Switzerland, have once again spent the year analysing activity here on the Beans and I am now ready to present our findings.
The headline news is that 2020 has been a vintage year for the Beans. 118 new posts were made, an increase of 19 on the previous year, and an all-time record for the New Beans. The improvement is thought to be largely due to Chris and Ian continuing their posting rates, and Kev experimentally also making some blog posts, a new idea that should be encouraged. This sharp increase in annual posting numbers can be seen clearly on the following spiky bean-coloured graph.
Numbers of comments have fallen this year, but only marginally: 2020 saw the third highest number of comments since the New Beans began, and while the total was lower than 2018 and 2019, it remains within broadly the same range. The 2020 comment count can be easily compared with previous years on this graph, where each year’s comment count is represented by an attractive obelisk of polished marble.
We now turn to the individual performance of each Beans member.
|Ian||Ian wrote 48 blog posts in 2020, one more than the previous year, and a new personal record. He earned a full 12 beans on the Bean Counter for the third consecutive year.|
|Chris||Chris also wrote 48 new blog posts, matching his record for 2015, 2018 and 2019. He too earned a full 12 beans for the third consecutive year.|
|Kev||Kev made 22 blog posts in 2020, smashing his previous record of 12 posts in a single year which has stood since 2015. He earned 10 beans, meaning he doubled his bean score this year.|
This year’s figures show some incredible leaps forward, particularly on the part of Kev, who has doubled his bean score in a single year. Chris and Ian have continued their long run of full annual scores and the competition between them remains tight, with just one bean separating their totals and no sign of either poster giving any ground.
In light of his achievements this year, Kev has been declared the winner of the Beans in 2020. He has been awarded this beautiful silver trophy in the shape of a prize bull, which is both dignified and also anatomically accurate.
Since Ian and Chris have also done well this year, there will be no punishments to hand out, and both of them have each been awarded two (2) Swizzels Drumstick lollipops. Well done everybody.
10 comments on “2021 State of the Beans Address”
A cracking trophy. Just look at those fetlocks!
I’m not sure posting less than half of the posts you two did merits receiving it, but I have now and it’s got my name engraved on and everything so I’m keeping it.
You could say that you and I, Chris, are at bloggerheads…
I’ll get me coat.
You know what they say: if it hasn’t got fetlocks it’s not a trophy worth having.
In other news, while Ian was getting his coat I ate one of his lollies.
I’m surprised fetlocks didn’t turn up in that quiz section of yours, Chris. They sound pretty solid.
I might do an all-fetlock quiz one day. But not yet. You’re just not ready for it.
I hope to one day have my very own pair of fetlocks.
(Ah, umm they do come in pairs, don’t they? I don’t want to make a mistake when ordering from the catalogue).
I’ve just googled fetlocks, because I didn’t know what they were, and yes, they do come in pairs. I would describe them as “horse ankles”. In fact I don’t know why a special word was ever needed when “horse ankles” would seem to do the job just fine.
You make a very convincing argument. Clearly someone wanted to look like a Big Man (TM) so they went off and made up some word that they could throw around the tavern and show off in front of their mates.
“Eh er Geoff what are ‘Fetlocks’ mate?”
“Well, pull up a chair, Sid, and let me walk you through it.”
If something needed walking through, a horse could do that, using its horse ankles.
That’s going on a motivational poster. It has to, it HAS to.