2021 is turning out to be a right sad-sack of a year. It’s currently trailing behind 2020 with a forlorn look on it’s mug, a napsack of woe and wearing a pair of soiled pants. We need to electrify this mother into next week, then bring it back into this week so we can knock it back again. Tennis.
What the world needs right now is a call-back the likes of which has not been seen before. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, what the world needs is a large steaming plate of Burakkas.
Kevindo Menendez knows what you’re pondering before you’ve had a chance to ponder it. Burakkas are back and they’re bigger (?) than ever. They’re the thing that does the thing that you need them to do but faster and possibly a little bit better. They’ll clean up that thing that shouldn’t be there, they’ll email that other thing that you should have emailed last week and then blame someone else for the delay.
Thought you forgot that thing? Well you didn’t because your Burakkas put a note in your phone or something similar, like a diary.
Where’s that thing that you lost? Ha, well it doesn’t matter because now you’ve got Burakkas and they’re much more versatile than whatever it is that you’re looking for. They’ve got your back.
I don’t know how you expected to get by in the post-2020 world without a friendly pair of hands by your side, handing you breath mints and stress relievers when life thrusts at you an unbuffed, wrongly-sized kitchen worktop straight through your front window and into your living room. What were you thinking?
The best news though is that for the next twelve months if you buy one pair of Burakkas you’ll get another pair for the same price, or maybe even a little bit more. How about that? Buy now and lots.
From Kevindo Menendez – a name that’s a name and it’s a name you can trust!
What you sometimes forget about your car is that, as well as a whole universe of complicated machinery and electronics, one of the things it needs in order to work properly is air. Your tyres are designed to imprison the right amount of air in exactly the place it’s required. I advise you to do your best to keep it there, and I will tell you why.
Time to sit down with a nice cup of tea, and perhaps pull a rug across your knee to keep you warm like an old person, while you have a go at the Pouring Beans Crossword Puzzle. There’s no prizes, it’s just for fun, and possibly not even that.
Answers in a few weeks. Good luck.
1: Morrissey’s typical remark on seeing some birds (8) 5: Fair description of former regular commenter Pete Doherty (4) 8: The Beans Massive wrote a book about a Magic one (4) 11: A Lego car of the right size (8)
1: A Montessori school activity requires children to pour these (5) 2: Chris’s favourite brand of pesto. Making crosswords is difficult and sometimes you just have to go with whatever fits (5) 3: The location of Dr Rombobulous Combobulation’s hat in relation to his head (4) 4: What we store on the Magical Computers (4) 6: A Jewish priest. It has nothing to do with the Beans but, again, it fits, and beggars can’t be choosers (5) 7: The number we need and are (5) 9: A Smidge Manly impersonator stole this from the real Smidge (4) 10: Noise made by lions and also former regular commenter Brian Blessed (4)
Here at Newsboost we have been granted exclusive access to Kevin’s new kitchen worktop and, in my humble opinion, especially one which knows sod all about quartz, it’s a bit of a something special.
We were also granted an exclusive interview with the man himself.
News berk: So what do you think? Kevin: I think it’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Ian had to loan me some of his spare eyes so I could gaze at the glaze a little bit more. News berk: After all the time you spent getting it right, was it worth it? Kevin: Absolutely. 105 days it may have taken, I may have lost most of my hair and destroyed the neighbouring village in my frustrations but it’s over now. News berk: What do you intend to use the kitchen worktop for first? What’s top o’ the worktop to-do list top? Kevin: I’m going to lay out a chaise lounge of cheeses for the kids and some very sensual cakes for me and the wife. It’s going to be a great night. News berk: What advice would you give to any other aspiring kitchen worktop enthusiasts out there? Kevin: Don’t do it.
During lockdown many of us have taken up new hobbies, many of us have refined existing ones and some of us have just tried to get through it without murdering everyone in close proximity due to extreme cabin fever.
In our house the conservatory has become the kids ‘art & craft studio’, by which I mean its the easiest room to hose down when all the paint and play dough is finished with. Its also where the kids love of doodling and colouring has been honed throughout lockdown. Last week I decided to clear up the massive pile (about 2 reams of papers worth) of doodles, drawings and scribbles that have amassed in the box that has pens and stuff in. It was long overdue.
Most of it went in the bin, I saved the choice articles, the pictures which showed real flare and effort, but in going through the pile I rediscovered some gems from not only the kids but me and Sarah too. This week I present to you… Dr. Lips.
I have a vague memory of drawing Dr. Lips, but I have no idea of his backstory. I also have no idea why he’s hanging out with Mr Strong and one of the Chuckle Brothers.
Do you know Dr. Lips? Perhaps you met him in an Aldi carpark once? Maybe he checked you over that time you though you had herpes? Let us know in the comments.
It is unfortunate but true that, for about two years between the ages of 21 and 23, I was an absolutely insufferable tool who would send snotty, condescending letters of complaint at the slightest provocation. This fact was recently brought to light when I raided my correspondence folder for material for a Virtual Winston Pub Quiz and found that almost everything in there was a shameful tirade to one company or another dating from the years 2005 to 2007.
Due to popular demand, I will now open up this archive of horrendous antisocial behaviour to the public for your enjoyment.