User avatarSport: know the risks

It’s coming home, apparently. That much is now received wisdom. But what does this mean for you? Please read and memorise this important guide for your own safety.

Beans Laboratories have conducted a range of scientific tests* on Sport and have raised the Sport Threat Level to “Steady On”, its highest level since the 2012 Limpety Pinpicks.

This means that there is an exceptionally high risk of sport infiltrating your life. Already cases have emerged of Beans delegates participating in sporting activities that are gravely out of character.

  • Mr. Kevindo Menendez has been observed viewing a World Football Cup Soccer Match on his widescreen television. During this period of time he also verbally expressed interest in the score and outcome of the match.
  • Mr. Christopher 5156 has made social media posts claiming to have physically attended a “Tea Twenty County Cricket Tournament Game”, in which he alleged that he found the experience enjoyable.

These horrifying stories may not be isolated incidents – it is possible that further Sport contamination has taken place which has not yet been reported to the proper authorities. You are strongly advised to be on your guard against all types of sporting activity; to avoid listening to any music recorded by the Lightning Seeds between 1994 and 2000 (note that this renders their debut album “Sense” technically safe to listen to, though the track “Life of Riley” may remain hazardous due to its continued use for football compilation sequences on TV); to avoid all balls and ball-shaped objects, including oranges, onions, apples, bapples, but not Papples; and to remain indoors as much as possible.

* Scientific tests included dipping Sport in potassium chloride, whizzing it around in one of those spinny centrifuge machines you see scientists using on TV, and setting fire to it.

14 comments to Sport: know the risks

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    When all this sport happened do you know what I did? I ignored it completely as though it never happened. I think that is the way forward.

  • That’s good. That’s very good.

    We need to hear from Kev on this matter. I know for a fact that, since the incident described in this post, he has seen and cared about ANOTHER football match, and he has also attended a horse racing event too. His sport enthusiasm is totally out of control.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    So this is what happens when he stops doing up his mansion? He needs to get back to corping those wetter locks otherwise he’ll turn into something six wide.

  • If I’m completely honest I’ve already started to think of him as being a bit fivewide. It’s only a matter of time now, unless he mends his overly athletic ways.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    So he hasn’t quite crossed the line into six-widdity just yet?

  • Not yet, no, but it’s a slippery slope. And if you think about it, being on a slippery slope is basically skiing, which is another sport. He’s in real trouble here.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    He would have to factor another chuffin’ sport in whilst he’s factoring in the other sports, wouldn’t he? Is he trying to get it wrong? Because he is, in spades.

  • He’s getting it very wrong indeed. The first thing he needs to do is get out of spades, that’s his first mistake. And then he needs to stop getting it wrong.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Once he’s out of spades hopefully everything else will fall into place. Why is he in spades? What’s his deal?

  • I don’t know. I’m not even sure how you get into spades in the first place. But as a master builder I’m sure he’s intimately acquainted with all kinds of earthmoving tools.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I bet he invented the spade. Somehow (?)

    Wait, intimate acquainted? I hope you’re not suggesting that he… that when he’s alone he… oh dear Lord!

  • No, don’t be silly. He has a whole Ramping Arena in the south wing for all that business. A man with an entire Ramping Arena to satisfy his sordid desires doesn’t need to befoul a spade.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    But erm wouldn’t that be the exact place that he would use to befoul a spade and possibly other garden tools?

  • I’m pretty sure he’d use the Implement Befouling Workshop in the basement for that.

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