I know what you’re going to ask. This is Atomic Kitten’s debut album Right Now, so I know before you say anything what we need to clarify. Is this the actual first album, released in March 2000, or is it the second release from August 2001, re-recorded with the band’s new line-up after Kerry Katona left? Well, it’s the second release, featuring the new line-up of Liz McClarnon, Jenny Frost and Natasha Hamilton. Here they are now, looking improbably youthful and slightly distracted.
We all have things that REALLY annoy us, that other people think are inconsequential. In this insightful episode we discuss:
- Inaccurate ironmongery
- Phil & the phone chord
Do you have a problem that needs fixing? Are you too silly to get it sorted yourself? Do you have a credit card and a strong desire to get the job done? Then what you need is Serious Ian.
Serious Ian can take all those chores that you can’t be bothered doing and he will get them done in the most serious fashion you’ve ever seen. His seriousness cannot be measured on a regular spectrum and scientists had to invent a new spectrum just to keep up. The only thing that came close to the same level of seriousness was BBC newsreader Huw Edwards or possibly Jeremy Paxman either duffing up politicians on ‘Newsnight’ (before he left) or duffing up students on ‘University Challenge’.
Here’s but a small muster of items that Serious Ian could help you (yes, YOU!) with:
- Telling your dog or cat that you’re going on holiday and they have to stay with your smelly friend, Derek.
- Pumping the waste out of your septic tank after years of neglect.
- Doing the washing up after Sandra tells you she’s taking the job and there’s nothing you can do about it.
- Ironing those shirts that need to look their best for Monday.
- Driving slowly past your nemesis, with a pair of sunglasses on the tip of his nose, nodding his head sternly before driving off.
- Informing the man in front of you in the queue that he has eleven items and needs to go to the regular checkout or till.
- Taking little Billy for his first experience of death (possibly roadkill).
- Asking Kev why he hides blankets inside pillows and querying when did he become such a sexual deviant.
- And many more!
It may be a premium rate number but you’ve got to pay the best to get the best.
Serious Ian is also available in a multitude of colours to fit your mood and your situation. When times are hard choose that delicious charcoal Serious Ian to really hammer home the message. If you want something a bit lighter, yet just as serious, perhaps the clementine Serious Ian will be your catch of the day.
Whatever the job, task, role or message, you can guarantee nobody will take it more serious than Serious Ian.
After a suitable gap, long enough for us all to forget most of what’s in it, I’m delighted to announce the online publication of Three Men in a Tin Shed, the commemorative book of Bridlington 2021.
If you care to flick through its lemon cake tinged pages, you’ll find:
- Ian’s Love Pipe
- Kev’s fizzy pizza
- Chris showering in jeans
- Ludwig von Slugwig
- Ian “taking the weight”
- Chris’s cockney French
- Kev stepping over Wom
- The “ramming it home” flowchart
You can read it, and all our other literary masterpieces, in the Books section.
Today, in my work inbox, I received this calendar invitation.
Pop music, it’s dumb right?
Not all of it. A lot of it very intelligently made and well put together. There are those out there though that abuse it’s magic and only concoct the worst of the worst to make a cheap buck. Pop music is the house of the lazy songwriter. It has committed more crimes then I’d care to mention (I’m looking at you, ‘Boys of Summer’ by DJ Sammy).
I have recently been re-listening to ‘This Year’s Model’ by Elvis Costello and the Attractions, a lovely bouncy set of new wave poppy rocky songs from 1978. It features two stellar singles; (I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea’, a sentiment I think we all share, and the ludicrously good ‘Pump it Up’. Costello is reported to have written the song on a fire escape during a stop in Newcastle of all places. What if he wrote it on my fire escape? Wait, I don’t have a fire escape.
The song ‘Pump it Up’ was later sampled by a sack of arse called Rogue Traders. In classic lazy pop fashion they took some bint they could find (in this case the Australian actress Natalie Bassingthwaite – she used to be in Neighbours because of course she did, she’s from Australia), got her to knock out some half-based vocals and called it ‘Voodoo Child’.
It features lyrics so banal if you closed your eyes and pointed to random words in a dictionary you would come up with a better one. Would you like an example? Take a sweet glance at the chorus:
“Baby baby baby
You are my voodoo child, my voodoo child
Don’t say maybe maybe
It’s supernatural, I’m coming undone.”
Awful, yes. Catchy, yes. I do believe it has more to do with Elvis Costello and the Attractions more than anything else. If you took away the pounding organs and guitars you’d be left with an empty pickle of a song, a limp biscuit if you will. I only mention this because my brain, in its infinite wisdom, continues to remind me of things like this rather than remembering useful things. When the aliens come and take us all away I will be filed on a shelf of knowledge called ‘Why bother?’ and only called up when they need a particularly spicy pub quiz question.
Whenever I hear ‘Pump it Up’ there is the quiet unsightly ghost of Rogue Traders hiding in the background.
Oxford Circus late at night
Crowds of wankers, lights shine bright
Down below the crowds that mill
Sits a sneaker calm and still
Who would drop you in this place?
Who has joined the unshod race?
Who would think their grand night out
Is better with one bare foot out?
I see you, shoe, and I see beyond
I see how great you’d be if donned
I see potential through the grime
I see the reason and the rhyme
Oxford Circus late at night
One lone trainer shining bright
The key to one foot’s endless roam
I envy the toes that take you home.
What do you mean you didn’t know I was a doctor?
What do you mean you didn’t know I spent seven years plus training? Do you mean all those times I was prescribing medication you weren’t paying attention?
Are you saying that every single time I swore the Hippocratic oath you didn’t listen? Every time I tore off someone’s leg and saved their life you didn’t notice?
Do you people even know anything about me?