Newsboost – Quantum Quo Quandary

“Legendary” rock and roll outfit Status Quo have had their 2013 film ‘Bula Quo!’ banned in the United Kingdom for being just too funny.

Originally the BBFC were planning to issue every copy of the DVD with a health warning that should you attempt to watch the film in one sitting you may struggle to cope with the sheer level of hilarity and should have the emergency services on standby. This was upgraded to a full frontal banning however after it was revealed that several members of the public have been admitted to hospital following recent viewings of the film.

Indeed having conquered the musical world it was only a matter of time before the band moved onto other exploits. “‘Bula Quo!’ is and still remains one of the most well-received, well-loved and financially successful British films of all time” admits Chancel Boxridge, senior executive at the BBFC, “beating ‘Skyfall’ by a cool one hundred million pounds at the box office thanks to it’s amazing mix of well-timed comedy and thrilling set pieces. That said though we cannot allow it to remain available to the general public, especially those with weak dispositions as it could easily bump off a third of the population within its ninety minute running time.”

Following the announcement, copies of the film have been exchanging hands on eBay for up to two hundred and fifty times their original price. We attempted to procure a copy only to be outbid by a septuagenarian in Wales.

Police were despatched to a man’s garage in Stockport yesterday only to discover illegal screenings of the film taking place up to five times a day. Several people were reported out of breath and very red around the cheekal area; nine were taken to hospital and three were arrested for attempted manslaughter.

If you are or have ever been anywhere near this film we strongly urge you to move away now.

This Way Up: Episode 1

I know, I know: you’ve been waiting a long time. I’m sorry. But it’s finally here!

The long-awaited radio comedy debut of Reuben, Throckley Young Comedian Of The Year 2014 and three-time winner of “Funniest Person In Aud’s Living Room”, is ready to go.

(You can also download it if you like.)

Starring Reuben and Ian. Walk-on parts by Chris. A Pouring Beans Productions Production, probably.

Ten Years

It was on this day some ten years ago that one more person was added to the world. There may have been others born that day, more than likely, but were they as important as one Reuben Aiden McIver?

It’ll take a small team of BBC researchers and two psychologists to work that out if you’re looking for actual scientific proof so for now you’ll just have to accept my word for it; they weren’t as important as him and not just because he’s my son.

Over the last ten years the times I’ve laughed the loudest and the longest were with and because of him. Practically every photograph on my phone and on Facebook is of or in some way connected to him. I speak to him every day in some capacity and those closest to me know that if I go somewhere he’s usually trotting somewhere behind.

Granted since his birth I’ve been kicked in the crotch and punched in the face more times then I can remember. He trapped my thumb in the door, shot me in the eye point blank range with a nerf gun, shouted incriminating things about me in public places and almost got us thrown out of a swimming pool once for “questionable behaviour”. Still I wouldn’t change a thing about him. Well, the world could possibly do without Mama MaCootchie but unless she goes into space again that’s not going to happen.

Here’s to the memory of the reminder of the recollection of the thing that is Mr Reuben Aiden McIver. Cheers.

2015 State of the Beans Address

Good afternoon. Settle down please. Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Professor Louche, and it is my privilege to deliver the 2015 State of the Beans Address.

A full analysis of the activities of the last year has been conducted by our team of expert analysts and we are able to describe the current position of the website to within four millimetres.

Summary of the year

In January 2014 The Beans was relaunched with a renewed intent to operate as a blog website with posts and comments and that.

Throughout the year lots of posts were made by everyone, except Kev who was too busy grouting his drainpipes to join in.

Together we have achieved a total of 82 posts and 784 comments, some of which were actually fairly interesting.

Contribution of what individual contributors have contributed

Ian was issued a target of making two, three or four posts per month. He scored ten beans in 2014, having achieved this ten times. He would have scored eleven beans but a terrible problem with the space-time continuum meant that one of his July posts was actually in August. Ian has, however, yet to fill in his Not About Ian page.

Chris was issued a target of making at least four posts per month. He scored six beans, and his normal performance was to make the required number every other month, with a fallow period at other times. Most of his posts had a picture in them. Chris filled in his Not About Chris page with a load of outright lies.

Kev was issued a target of making at least three posts per month, which was revised down from an original target of four. He scored two beans over the course of 2014 because he mostly wasn’t here. We don’t need to discuss whether he filled in the Not About Kev page.

Conclusion

2014 has been a very strong start to the New Beans and Ian has been the winner. Well done everyone.

The Capital of Grim

Have you ever been to Dungeness? I have, twice now. I’d be happy to go again because there’s nowhere quite like it.

It’s made of gravel, you see. Miles of gravel with bits of grass growing on it.

There are houses on the gravel, all made of wood and looking a bit battered. There are abandoned fishing boats on the gravel. There are rusting shipping containers dotted around randomly on the gravel. There are brick-built kilns standing on their own in a desert of gravel. There’s a miniature railway with tiny steam trains. There’s a lighthouse with a fog horn that makes a really loud beeping sound. There’s a massive nuclear power station. Everything is grey. And I really can’t emphasise enough that there’s lots of gravel.

It’s fascinating and lonely and strange. While I enjoyed being there, and will probably go again one day when I’m bored, it’s quite grim – the most beautiful and pure grimness anywhere in the world. Visit today! Dungeness, the Capital of Grim.

The sting

I was going to make a content-free post that would be blatantly and cynically intended just to get me up to four posts for December and win me a coveted bean. But then something happened that was worthy of making a whole post, so actually this will have something in it.

I’ve decided to buy myself a big Lego set as a Christmas present to myself, because I want one, and I’m a grown up so nobody can stop me. I was going to do it on Friday night, but now I have plans on Friday, so I set off to do it after work yesterday instead.

What actually happened was that I got to the Lego store, found the shelf where my Lego set should be, and saw that it was empty. So I asked one of the staff.

While he was explaining to me that it was sold out, and looking up when a new delivery would come in, I felt something odd on my head, and put my hand up to see what was in my hair. It felt like sticking my fingers into a ball of needles. A spiky black thing fell on the floor, crawled away for a bit, and then flew off. “Oh yeah,” said the assistant, “we’ve had wasps in here today”.

Wasps? In the Lego store? In a big shopping mall? In December? Unlikely, yes, but a wasp is what it was. A big bastard of a wasp who tried to sting me several times and did actually get his syringe of doom into my little finger.

So last night I went home, very very late, with no Lego, but with a wasp sting on my finger.

That’ll show me.

Christmas inventory

It’s the end of Christmas now, and there’s no more Christmas left to be handed out, so it’s time to count up and see what this year’s season has poured into my jug.

Clothing

Ten socks
Brown and yellow checked shirt
Mr Bowie t-shirt

Confectionery

500g slab of chocolate
bag of hilarious chocolate “sprouts”
Box of generic Sainsbury’s assorted chocolates

Kitchenware

Small saucepan
Camembert baking dish
Carrot peeler in the shape of a giant pencil sharpener

Books

XKCD book
Road Signs history book
Something regrettable by Su Pollard

A reasonably good haul, all things considered. Well done everyone. Let’s raise a glass to Santa.

A Dearth of Posts

This is an emergency broadcast on behalf of the members of the PB Committee.

It has been brought to our attention that between the mirth of Ian’s birthday and the joys of frantically planning for Christmas, there has been a distinct absence of posts on da beans. In order to facilitate and satisfy the general public’s desire for new posts this post has been posted in order to fill the gap until more new posts can be shipped in from abroad.

Staff are working round the clock to ensure that fresh posts will be delivered within the next 48 hours. All that the members of the PB Committee ask is that people are patient enough to wait a little longer, indulge a little further, drink a little harder, and before you know it you will be swimming in factual information and endearingly hilarious titbits.

There will also continue to be the overwhelmingly distinct absence of Kevin.

Thank you.