The Compass of Approved Regulation Mealtimes™There have been all sorts of recent stories in the news of late about people ending up in horrible social situations due to their complete lack of understanding of the Approved Regulation Mealtimes (ARM).
All of the embarrassment and could have been avoided with PBP’s newest tool for the smush-brained socialite, The Compass of Approved Regulation Mealtimes™.
The Return of Mr Smith!
Yes that’s right… you heard it here first… Mr Smith is back!
After a brief hiatus of only 7 years, Mr Smith returns in his latest tale of woe, murder and partying, “Mr Smith and the Cactus”.
Read it HERE now.
Mild Frustration (a short play)A young man, not feeling too great, has a nice face, decides to try to attend to his illness by calling his doctors. It’s Monday morning.
Man: Hello, I’d like to make an appointment.
Receptionist: Right what we normally do is not make an appointment but ask the doctor to call you instead.
Man: Oh right.
Receptionist: I’ve got your details so let me see when the next telephone appointment is instead… there’s one free at 9.10am on Wednesday.
Man: Wednesday. In two days time.
Receptionist: Do you need to see anyone as a matter of urgency?
Man: No, I guess it can wait another two days.
Receptionist: Great well the doctor will call you at 9.10am on Wednesday.
Man: Great. Thanks.
Cut to Wednesday morning. The young man leaves his desk and goes to a quiet room to await the doctor’s call. The times is around 9:09am.
Man (thinks): Let’s give him a window of five minutes. I can’t leave my desk for too long, so five minutes is sufficient waiting time before dismissing this as the joke that it seems to be turning into.
The time ticks away. 9:10am. 9:11am. 9:12am. 9:13am. 9:14am.
Man (thinks): I’m sure he’s just about to call.
9:15am.
Man (thinks): Well that was a waste of time. I better haul ass back to work.
The young man returns to his desk. The work phones are busy so he carries on answering the various enquiries and assisting where necessary. at 9:21am, in the middle of a conversation with a client, his phone starts to vibrate.
Man (thinks): Ah great. Great timing. Wonderful. If only I could express my dissatisfaction with this level of service with the client I’m currently talking to. I wonder if their surgery is an inept as this.
Voicemail. When work gets quiet the young man listens to the message.
Doctor: Hi Mr McIver, I’m sorry I’m a little later than arranged, if you still need to speak to me give me a call at the surgery.
Man (thinks): What? He didn’t even leave a direct number? I have to call the general number? Of course I still need to speak to him; I would’ve cancelled the appointment if I was flippin’ better!
Work gets busy again. There is not a time to return the call. Around 10:25 his mobile starts to vibrate again, same number, clearly the doctor trying again but he can’t stop to answer it due to work commitments. Ten minutes later, with a small break to his name, he steals away into a room and calls the general number. No voicemail the second time around.
Receptionist: Hello.
Man: Hi, could I speak to Dr *******? I think I just missed a call from him.
Receptionist: Oh right. Let me see if he’s available… (brief pause) I’m sorry he doesn’t appear to be in his room. The only thing I can do is arrange another telephone appointment for him to try to call you again.
Man: You know what, I’m feeling so much better, so much much better I don’t know why I bothered calling…
Cue a series of head shakes and excessive tutting. The young man decides to visit the walk-in centre at the end of the week, because even though it will mean sitting in a room for two hours or more waiting to be seen this process makes more sense than the series of hoops he has to try to jump through just to speak to a doctor at his own surgery.
The End.
Lost treasuresI’ve been having a clear out this weekend and I found this 20-year-old NOW album:
Nearly 20 years ago I got it for Christmas, along with an Alba mini hi-fi system that had a tape deck, CD player and AM/FM radio. Those were the days. Here’s a selection of the great hits from this double-tape compilation:
Unfortunately when I opened the box, tape 2 was missing, so while you can still listen to Come Baby Come by K7 and Swamp Thing by the Grid, everything that was on the second tape – from Searching by China Black to The Perfect Year by Dina Carroll to Return to Innocence by Enigma – is now gone.
But we all know that tape 1 side 1 was always the best part of the album and the rest was mostly tracks you’d skip.
Trekkin’ Abroad – France (Part 4)Having discovered a secret tunnel under the sea, I passed quietly across the border into France undetected, arriving in their capital city, “Paris”, in the early afternoon. I took an apartment in the 16th arrondissement and started my new life cycling around parks and examining museums for clues. Nothing. Then one day, in the lift, someone else rode all the way up to the 8th floor with me. An enemy agent? One of their informers? I couldn’t be sure.
I packed my bags and left early the next morning, covering my trail with stories of a poorly relative in Geneva. It was a bittersweet departure; my apartment had the finest coffee machine I’ve experienced in recent years and I couldn’t fit it into my suitcase. I will remember it always.
I took a train somewhere, anywhere, ending up in the far west of the country where I spent the last two weeks hiding in a barn before negotiating my return to Plymouth on a fishing smack, hidden under a pile of nets and fish.
I’m never leaving England again. I am a scarred man. I still smell a bit like fish. So much for France.
Newsboost – Electrocution Eliminates Everyday Ailments?A new report published today in the USA states that electrocution could be used to cure numerous afflictions.
The writer, Joan Hupsworth, a doctor from Boston, Massachusetts claims that a bit of electricity coursing through the body can relieve anything from the common cold to sneezing and sometimes even the aches and pains of the elderly. She has been studying the field of electricity in medicine for the last eighteen years and only now has she dared to come forward with her findings.
“I admit that a lot of people will find this very hard to believe,” says Joan, wiping her mouth with a lizard, “but the results speak for themselves. I’ve tried every single control method available and each time the electricity clears up whatever is bothering them. I started off with something simple like a sore throat but by the end of it I was having patients with hemorrhoids and tennis elbow turning up at my door. You would not believe what it can do.”
Here’s a little science lesson for you all. It’s not the volts in the electricity that can kill, it’s actually the amps in the current. Due to legal reasons the specific voltage and amps have not been mentioned and only a vague description of a ‘mild shock’ is listed throughout. We can only guess it is equivalent to the effect of suddenly bumping into that guy from work you always try to avoid talking to because he’s incapable of social interaction, or sitting in the pub and realising you’ve forgotten to turn the oven off after cooking a large roast dinner.
The initial response to the report has been poor. A large percentage of the medical community have dismissed the claims as witchcraft, with one member of popular US healthcare group Medigroup Plc Inc even calling for their residents to rise up and hunt Ms Hupsworth down as an actual witch. Many others are less concerned about throwing into a large body of water in the hopes of seeing her drown like the supposed demon she is. Dilbert Huxley, a doctor from Tampa Bay, Florida is excited by the news however he believes that the report requires a little work. “In a way I can see her point,” he sniffs, “I had a rash on my groin and after accidentally sticking my fingers in a socket covered in Mountain Dew, my fingers not the socket itself, I suffered a large electric shock. When I came out of my coma a fortnight later the rash was gone. There will be benefits, we just need to ensure every idiot and his pinky doesn’t end up shoving his middle finger into the back of their TV just because they’re sweating more than usual.”
Dr Hupsworth has advised that she will be continuing her research and a further report, including several late night seminars with mood lighting, cocktails and sexy dancers, will be published in the middle of next year. She hopes that eventually electrocution can be seen as a positive thing.
B R E A K F A S TOr as I like to call it, B to the R to the E-A KFAST.
As it is considered to be the most important meal of the day I can understand why some people would think and possibly overthink the process. They may take time picking out what they were planning to eat or there is a particular routine which must be seen through from start to finish before moving on.
There are some though that take it a step too far. One of these people is my sister. This is the sort of marvel that has to be seen to be believed but I will do my best to convey the absurdity of it all. It is a ten step program so let’s begin:
1. Take two different packets of cereal, in this case bitesize Shredded Wheat and obnoxious granola.
2. Line the bottom of your bowl with a layer of bitesize Shredded Wheats, about 7 or 8.
3. Pick them up and individually snap them in two.
4. Worry that you’ve taken too much.
5. Convince yourself that you’ve got the right amount.
6. Pour in the obnoxious granola.
7. Be sure to take out the raisins (we wouldn’t want any taste in there, right?).
8. Smear, not pour, smear half a pot of plain Activia yoghurt over the cereal collection.
9. Fold in the yoghurt so that all or most of the cereal is smothered.
10. Eat and enjoy?
Note that the bitesize Shredded Wheat will be a lot more resistant to the yoghurt that the granola will be and take this into consideration. Please also be aware that should some raisins be left in the mix this is acceptable as they cannot kill.
I hope that this inspires people to be less fussy about their eating habits. I know that it won’t though and the world will carry on spinning with the same amount of spanners who make everyone’s lives that little bit more interesting yet annoying.
I think that it would also make a good poster so any budding artists who want to take a punt please be my guest.
Things on my Desk: Unloved SaucesToday I looked round my desk and was faced with a sight that is all too common in modern Britain.
The grim truth is that we all take too many sachets of sauce from the cafe or canteen, we just do. Whether its some sort of instinctive nesting impulse or just the fact that we can get something for free so we do. The untold story though is what happens to all of these unwanted sauces once they are taken from the relative comfort of the canteen stainless steel container. Do they ever make their way home? No, for once they have been removed they somehow become dirty. Nobody has opened them, nobody has licked them, but they can never go back, they are alone. Destined to see out their expiry dates in the back of an office drawer, or become a ticking time bomb in the pocket of someone who never checks their pockets before doing the washing.
Spare a thought for the unloved sauces.
