Do you have poorly-raised pork? Are you in receipt of rude chops or maladjusted mince? Are you berated by bad bacon and lazy lamb cutlets? What you need is the best in the business to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget.
Manners for Meat will take your ill-educated meat products and transform them into something you can show to mother and father at the next boating ceremony.
Leave your meat with us and we will put them through an intense yet fair training regime to whip them into shape.
No more crossed words. No more mumbling under their breath. No more ill-advised comments during luncheons and dinner parties. No slouching, no passing wind, no loud burps the likes of which could shake the top of Ben Nevis and drip snow on all the surrounding villages.
Manners maketh the man but they also maketh the meat.
Give us two weeks and we will put them through their paces and leave a lasting effect that will be seen for generations to come (or until your next Sunday dinner).
The last two years have meant that most people haven’t been away on a proper holiday, myself included. Not that I really wanted to go anywhere. Can you see me in a pair of shorts sat on the Bermuda Triangle trying to buy a croissant? No, exactly, it’s not my style. Even so, it would be nice for a change of scenery.
So what do you do when things aren’t going right? Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got and taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away? Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name to Delicious City.
Situated in close proximity to my office, many a time have I walked past and pondered the delights of Delicious City. I’ve been to cities before but never anywhere delicious. I expect I’d walk in and there would be people taking huge chunks out of a skyscraper made of ham, punters stood waiting for a bus and then when it arrives they punch out the windows and suck them like lollipops, and drunken bystanders hanging around in parks for the champagne fountains.
Willy Wonker’s Chocolate Factory has got nothing over Delicious City.
So why haven’t I been already? I’m worried that I would never escape. You know me and food; once I’m in, I’m gone. Surrounded by an entire city made of food would only compound matters even further and you’d never hear from me again. I’d be riding a cloud made of candy floss and chasing cats made of Oreos (because the animals, for some reason, are also delicious).
Now I’m falsifying a form so I can get into the RSPCA and eat all the animals in there. I’m also drop-kicking a watermelon into a taxi’s windshield so I can steal the marzipan from it’s back wheels. Now I’m scooping the bacon from the washing lines of my neighbour’s gardens, pushing them into a sandwich that’s thicker than my neck and breaking into the museum on the corner in the hope that they’ve got some brown sauce for this bad boy.
Oh dear Lord, what is wrong with me? I punched an old lady in the face so I could use her mobility scooter to get into the gym and taste the swimming towels (they have the best and keep them for themselves like a bunch of grumbo grumps). I ordered pancakes at the café then refused to eat them because I filled up on bread napkins before they arrived. I think I ate my boss’ shoes due to them smelling like fresh pizza.
As you can see, I can’t have anything nice and my excursion to Delicious City, or any city in fact, has been delayed indefinitely.
Here at Newsboost we have been granted exclusive access to Kevin’s new kitchen worktop and, in my humble opinion, especially one which knows sod all about quartz, it’s a bit of a something special.
We were also granted an exclusive interview with the man himself.
News berk: So what do you think? Kevin: I think it’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Ian had to loan me some of his spare eyes so I could gaze at the glaze a little bit more. News berk: After all the time you spent getting it right, was it worth it? Kevin: Absolutely. 105 days it may have taken, I may have lost most of my hair and destroyed the neighbouring village in my frustrations but it’s over now. News berk: What do you intend to use the kitchen worktop for first? What’s top o’ the worktop to-do list top? Kevin: I’m going to lay out a chaise lounge of cheeses for the kids and some very sensual cakes for me and the wife. It’s going to be a great night. News berk: What advice would you give to any other aspiring kitchen worktop enthusiasts out there? Kevin: Don’t do it.
What was that? It was a bad idea to begin with and now you’re going to run it into the ground like you always do? You clearly know me so well.
Hi, I’m Ian, I recently turned 37 and I still retain the intelligence of someone a quarter of my age. I used to take song lyrics, change them into something else and then hand them to my friend to upload onto our website because that was “funny” even though most of the time it really wasn’t.
Do you remember ‘Slut Call Girl’, a “hilarious” reinterpretation of Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’? Probably not. It was one of my better efforts. The others are better best forgotten.
In the spirit of this though I have decided to drag all of my showbiz mates out to record a covers album to end 2020 the way it began; awfully. It’s even worse, it’s a funny covers album. I will be taking some of the moved beloved rock songs from the last 30-40 years by one of the most amazing bands from within our very own lifetime and I will be turning them into a one joke joke about curling one off.
(I can hear you groaning already)
Let’s take a look at the track listing:
Everybody Poos The One I Shove Shiny Happy Faeces Nightshitting It’s The End of The Roll As We Know It (and I Feel Fine) The Sidewinder Shits Tonight Strained Currencies What’s The Excretion, Kenneth? The Great Pee-Pond Imitation of Shite
I feel as though I may have crossed a line that I can never recover from; please forgive me Buck, Berry, Mills and Stipe.
We’re all trapped indoors these days, since the prime minister lost everybody’s house keys and we all found that the front door wouldn’t open any more. I’m sure that’ll all be sorted out soon, of course, and I’ll be able to take the bins out, but for the time being I’m not getting around much and neither is anyone else.
While I’m being kept inside, like a neglected dog, I find myself missing the north. I usually go north regularly and now I can’t, and it’s only when I can’t go that I suddenly find how important it is to me to immerse myself, on a regular basis, in its rich culture and its even richer gravies.
So, as a consolation in these difficult times, I’ve created this moving ode to the north. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and that your cockles are warmed.
Easter is on the horizon and you are going to get smothered in talk of chocolate, eggs, bunnies and all sorts of plastic paraphernalia whether you like it or not. As businessman with a fifteen year old son, he no longer wishes to chase the imaginary rabbit in the hope of procuring an immeasurable pile of confectionery; all he cares about is cold, hard cash. There are, however, others who will have to fall in line. When I say fall in line I mean buy as many trinkets as possible for your children and possibly also your significant other. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it.
What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you keep the family appeased in this most confusing of times? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets.
Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets are what are missing from your extended Easter weekend; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices, and covered in chocolate. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most nauseating of weekends, you can prepare them any way you like.
With one or two of these in their mouth, your children won’t be tempted to throw a tantrum and destroy your sense of peace and tranquility. He or she won’t believe the taste sensation going down his or her throat. It is the perfect accompaniment to whatever bobbins you plan to screen on the TV in the hopes of keeping them subdued.
You will be the king or queen of the Easter parade with these under your belt, or in your hand. Your kids will lose their shizz ten times over once they get a taste of the good life. Crack off a couple of these and you won’t need to break the bank, and their teeth, by ordering a lorry-load of inferior eggs to your doorstep. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets.
Valentine’s Day is on the horizon and you are going to get smothered in smushy, awful paraphernalia whether you like it or not. As a single man I remain immune to the charms of it (which is a mantra I repeat to myself when I’m crying into my cornflakes) but there are others who will have to fall in line. When I say fall in line I mean buy as many presents as possible for your significant other. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it. There’s a romantic meal for two waiting in the wings yet you still haven’t found the right thing to finish it off.
What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you tart that three course menu up in a timely manner without breaking the bank? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.
Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles are what are missing from your Valentine’s Day; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most abysmal of romantic meals, you can prepare them any way you like.
With one or two of these in their mouth, your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend or significant other won’t be tempted to break up with you. He or she won’t believe the taste sensation going down his or her throat. It is the perfect aphrodisiac to put everyone, and I do mean everyone, in the mood for love.
You will be the king or queen of the love ball. Your partner will rescind into sexual bliss. Crack off a couple of these and you won’t need those petrol station flowers you were planning to buy at the last minute. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.