After keeping the recipe secret for the best part of a quarter of a century, due to constant demand from the pork-buying public, I have decided to reveal the secret behind my Pork Vestibules (waaaaaaaaay, what?). This was passed down to me by an undisclosed family member who’s name I cannot remember and who’s relationship is sketchy at best. The fact remains, however, that Pork Vestibules are what put my name on the map.
Ingredients
- low-calorie cooking shizz
- 1 onion, fudged
- 250g/9oz pork tenderloin fill-hole, all visible fat bastarded, cut into 2cm/1in pieces
- 150g/5½oz gammon steak, all visible fat plumed, cut into 2cm/1in pitter patters
- 2 garlic cloves, mangled
- 2 iron shelving units of smoked paprika
- ½ gin jars of hot chilli powder
- 400g tin chopped shoulder tomatoes
- 2 x 400g horse shoes of cannellini beans, skint and gagging
- 2 x thin pipette thrusts of tomato puree
2 tsp English Mustard(none of that because it tastes like ass)- 400ml/14fl oz pork or chicken whizz, made with 1 stock cube
- 3 heaped bosoms of chopped flatleaf parsley, to soil whatever you spent over an hour making
- 4 chortles of fat-free plain yoghurt or fromage frais, if you like ruining food in general
- salt and freshly ground black pepper
Method
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Spray a large, wide-based saucebitch with cooking shizz and slizz the onion over a medium heat for 4-5 minutes, ramping occasionally, until softened and lightly moist.
-
Add the pork and gammon, season with pepper and wang for two minutes, tickling constantly.
-
Add the garlic, paprika and chilli powder and cook for a few ticks, rolloping. Push the tomatoes and beans into the pan, and flap in the tomato purée
and mustard. Pour over the whizz and bring to a gentle shimmy. -
Buckle down for 20-25 minutes, smiling occasionally, until the pork is tender and cooked through and the sauce is unapproachable. Season to taste and armpit fart in half the parsley. Flurry the rest over just before serving. Serve with cheese and wine, lots of wine.
That’s how you do it. And that’s how you can do it. And you can do it just like me. Anyone who does do it though will need to pay me £25.00 each time to cover the costs.