Avatar Valentine’s Day Done Right

Valentine’s Day is on the horizon and you are going to get smothered in smushy, awful paraphernalia whether you like it or not. As a single man I remain immune to the charms of it (which is a mantra I repeat to myself when I’m crying into my cornflakes) but there are others who will have to fall in line. When I say fall in line I mean buy as many presents as possible for your significant other. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it. There’s a romantic meal for two waiting in the wings yet you still haven’t found the right thing to finish it off.

What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you tart that three course menu up in a timely manner without breaking the bank? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.

‘Love Baubles

Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles are what are missing from your Valentine’s Day; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most abysmal of romantic meals, you can prepare them any way you like.

‘Love Baubles’

With one or two of these in their mouth, your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend or significant other won’t be tempted to break up with you. He or she won’t believe the taste sensation going down his or her throat. It is the perfect aphrodisiac to put everyone, and I do mean everyone, in the mood for love.

‘Love Baubles’

You will be the king or queen of the love ball. Your partner will rescind into sexual bliss. Crack off a couple of these and you won’t need those petrol station flowers you were planning to buy at the last minute. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.

‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’

Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and seasonal aisles at all good local supermarkets.

Avatar December Done Right

It’s too late to turn back now. We’re all going to be smothered in Christmas in three weeks’ time so we may as well accept it and get on with our lives. When I say get on with our lives I mean buy as many presents as possible from the internet in the hope that they arrive in time. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it. There’s the tree in the corner of the room; it looks lovely, almost perfect. It isn’t quite finished, is it?

What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you tart that tree up in a timely manner without breaking the bank? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Pork Baubles.

‘Pork Baubles

Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Pork Baubles are what are missing from your Christmas; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most abysmal of trees, you can hang your Pork Baubles straight out of the packet and, on the big day itself, put them in the oven to accompany your Christmas dinner.

‘Pork Baubles’

With one or two of these in his mouth, Dad won’t be tempted to interrupt with another of his terrible jokes. Grandma won’t believe the taste sensation going down her throat. Mum can use the leftovers to throw at unsuspecting cold-callers trying their luck around the festive period.

‘Pork Baubles’

Don’t bother with another tiresome turkey, keep your dull as damp donuts gammon in the freezer and don’t even turn the oven on if all you’re going to do is try to feed me parsnips again. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Pork Baubles.

‘Pork Baubles’ ‘Pork Baubles’ ‘Pork Baubles’ ‘Pork Baubles’

Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and Christmas decoration aisles at all good local supermarkets.

Avatar Healthy eating

Christmas is over and we’ve all eaten a bit too much. Too many roast potatoes*. Too many chocolates. Too much cake.

What you need is something healthy. Something full of nutrition. Something light and fresh. And thankfully, I have just the thing. Presenting the Pouring Beans 2018 Burger and Salad Special, a meal that superficially looks like burger and chips but which cunningly includes a generous helping of lush, healthy greenery. Enjoy!

Salad (with burger and chips on the side)

* I’m being silly, of course. There is no such thing as too many roast potatoes.

Avatar Table for Two?

Good Evening, Monsieur and Madame. I trust you are having a pleasant Thursday evening? It is the perfect time for a get together of food, wine and conversation the likes of which have never been seen before.

Here, please let me take your galoshes and wellington boots, and you can have a seat towards the back of the restaurant, where the smell of the food barely covers the scent of faeces, wafting from the gentleman’s you-know-what’s.

May I recommend that before I take your drink orders that you take a look at the menu? Our chef has made some recent alterations that I think may interest you. It’s a little more adventurous than you’re possibly used to but I can assure you that you will not be disappointed. I will place your possessions in a badly-lit broom cupboard near the barely visible ‘Fire Exit’ sign and come back in five minutes to help with anything that I can.

Please feel free to help yourself to complimentary aniseed ball-bearings to help cleanse the pallet before the real action starts:

Evening Menu

Starters

Herb-coated shenkles of pen lids, rocket, arse shavings, child-wept tomatoes. Silly oil and three whole lemons – £15.00

Charred and badly-burned damp sewer wood wrapped in posh ham, silver spank noodles and basil wet bags, disgusting reduction – £24.00

Crab, leftover curtains, nose hair and avocado bruschetta, fingered aioli – £19.00

Mains

Duck cocks, pissy ash puree, wilted bin mugs and breakfast pan juices – £30.00

Smoked sorcery eyes, chorizo and beach cable risotto, poached eggs barely audible – £42.00

Spaghetti with handcuffs, flange, chilli garlic, cracker dust, leather concave bisque reduction – £35.00

Lunch specials

Roasted fly thighs, dolphin panache, bat shit chasseur sauce on a crushed Henderson suit bread – £26.00

Buffed fish, hand cut bastard nugget portions, sinister tomatoes and Enya thermidor height sauce – £30.00

Limp bollock dross and balls, savage pasta bound in Napoli drippings, topped with existential phone nubbins and a space rollercoaster – £27.00

And for desert? I am sorry, Monsieur and Madame, desserts are sadly off the menu for this evening but I am sure that I may be able to find something in the condemned freezer next to the warm raccoon cage. Let me get back to you on that one.

Avatar Dear Beans… Terrific Tasty Terrier Tribulations

Dear Beans,

I’ve got a problem that I can’t tell anyone about. Only the anonymous helping hands of casa de Beans can save me. I am sweating like a scamp just typing these words. I will have to use a fake name so it cannot be traced back to me for FEAR of besmirchment. Besmirching? For the possibility of a bad smirch.

My dog, Lavish Kibbles, passed away a few weeks ago. He choked on a sausage mouse and never recovered. I cried for several days after and eventually I got my stuff together, and sorted him out. In order to save on costs and vets bills I buried him in the back garden. The only thing is after I dug the hole I lost all the mud (I think my neighbour may have stolen it, he’s building his own Hawaiian mud shack) so I needed a substitute. With only my wits about me, I turned to the contents of my kitchen cupboards. Thankfully I’d been to Costco the other day to stock up on essentials and I’d picked up a 600lb bag of Bisto. Using the gravy granules I covered up Lavish Kibbles and retreated to the sanctity of my living room.

The crazy Summer weather conditions continued. A hot rain fell towards the end of the week. With it came the tastiest smell, wafting up from the bottom of my garden. I knew what it was and I knew I needed to control myself in case anyone discovered my disgusting yet mouth-wateringly frugal ways.

From my window I can see a river of gravy starting to flow. In my dreams I’m walking towards it, arms outstretched, a gigantic breadbun in each hand, desperate to dip. I’ve tried making my own as a way of appeasing my tastebuds but it doesn’t smell or taste the same. Only the raw, disturbing aroma emanating from my back yard will quench my thirst.

What should I do; give in to temptation and chow down on my now ex-dog or look the other way?

Yours excitedly

Turbot Bojangles

Avatar Not Very Good – Food

Now then, let us all consider for a moment the best place to leave your chorizo.

Should you leave it in the fridge to preserve the flavours? Should you leave in the cupboard, in a cool, dry place? Or, and I know this seems a bit unorthodox for some people, how about outside your house, near the kerb?

As a human being, or the closest equivalent that likes stretchy trousers, I do enjoy my food. I want it tasty and I want it now. I also want it to be free from disease, infection and cat’s piss. I can imagine that the artisan who decided to leave the chorizo outside may not have realised this at the time. Yes, you may create a unique combination of flavours but if this is at the expense of the health of the people eating the food then you may want to reconsider.

We could look at this from another angle. Perhaps this isn’t edible chorizo. Perhaps this is a tiny chorizo car and the owner has parked it carefully on the side of the road. If that’s correct then the person is doing cars right and it has nothing to do with food.

I am of the opinion that it is food and it is wrong otherwise this article wouldn’t make any sense (?) I do not want your road meat. I do not want to indulge in your pretentious kerb-surfing, asphalt-touching tubes of protein. Please keep your bizarre attempts at food presentation in your houses where you can eat off the floor as much as you like.

I’m off for a burger.

Next time… Animals!

Avatar We Buy Any Sheep DOT com

Do you have a lot of sheep? Are you tired of having a lot of sheep? Wouldn’t you much rather get rid of your sheep and enjoy having a sheep-free lifestyle?

You need webuyanysheep.com

We will buy your sheep in any condition, any age, any colour, creed or denomination. We will take however many sheep off your hands and give you the best possible price on the market right now.

We want your sheep and we will do anything to get your sheep. Anything at all. We have done awful things to get other people’s sheep and we will do the same to you, unless you give us your sheep.

Bring on the sheep. We will glady take your sheep when you’re sleeping. We would much rather give you a great deal than sneaking into your premises at night and bundling them into our trusted van.

Give us your damn sheep right now and nobody gets hurt.