Valentine’s Day is on the horizon and you are going to get smothered in smushy, awful paraphernalia whether you like it or not. As a single man I remain immune to the charms of it (which is a mantra I repeat to myself when I’m crying into my cornflakes) but there are others who will have to fall in line. When I say fall in line I mean buy as many presents as possible for your significant other. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it. There’s a romantic meal for two waiting in the wings yet you still haven’t found the right thing to finish it off.
What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you tart that three course menu up in a timely manner without breaking the bank? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.
Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles are what are missing from your Valentine’s Day; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most abysmal of romantic meals, you can prepare them any way you like.
With one or two of these in their mouth, your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend or significant other won’t be tempted to break up with you. He or she won’t believe the taste sensation going down his or her throat. It is the perfect aphrodisiac to put everyone, and I do mean everyone, in the mood for love.
You will be the king or queen of the love ball. Your partner will rescind into sexual bliss. Crack off a couple of these and you won’t need those petrol station flowers you were planning to buy at the last minute. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.
‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’
Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and seasonal aisles at all good local supermarkets.
18 comments on “Valentine’s Day Done Right”
There’s only room for two walnut-sized sweaty orbs in my Valentine’s day, and neither of them will be your Love Baubles.
That’s… far more graphic than I was expecting to receive. Were you referring to your face cheeks by any chance? They’re quite baubly, like a cherub.
No. I was referring to my testicles.
Look at you doing a me and being all garish and horrible. How do you feel? Sometimes it’s nice to be a dick, isn’t it?
I’m thoroughly enjoying it. I’m also enjoying you inserting the word “dick” (wheeeeeey!) into a comment thread that already talks about testicles. Someone just needs to mention boobs or bums now.
I reckon we can rely on Kev to fill that void
This thread has more filth in it than all the filth threads you posted last year.
If you’re going to chug on some filth then you may as well keep pouring (?)
TOMORROW IS VALENTINE’S DAY! GET YOUR ORDERS IN BEFORE 2PM TODAY TO GUARANTEE NEXT DAY DELIVERY*
*if you’ll pay my day ticket there and back to wherever you are.
You’ll note that I didn’t get any orders in, and that was no mistake.
You’ve missed out a treat. Your lady woman is pining away in her luxurious flat which could be ten times (tice) more luxurious with the addition of some meaty love baubles.
Neither I, nor my classy lady woman, are missing out on anything. Your “love baubles” would only soil our good standing in the community and leave greasy marks on the worktops.
You say that but you don’t mean it. Why would you say that, Chris, why?
Also, stop sullying Kevindo Menendez’s good name with your tatty ideas. If you carry on with suh low-grade products like this, he’ll be in touch with his lawyers to revoke your licence to use his brand.
That’s a good point. Surely these should be called Ian “Sweaty” McIver’s Love Baubles.
Nobody would buy them without the Kevindo Menendez brand behind them. It’s got the tootin’-fresh guarantee!
I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think anyone’s buying them now either.