It’s too late to turn back now. We’re all going to be smothered in Christmas in three weeks’ time so we may as well accept it and get on with our lives. When I say get on with our lives I mean buy as many presents as possible from the internet in the hope that they arrive in time. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it. There’s the tree in the corner of the room; it looks lovely, almost perfect. It isn’t quite finished, is it?
What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you tart that tree up in a timely manner without breaking the bank? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Pork Baubles.
‘Pork Baubles‘
Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Pork Baubles are what are missing from your Christmas; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most abysmal of trees, you can hang your Pork Baubles straight out of the packet and, on the big day itself, put them in the oven to accompany your Christmas dinner.
‘Pork Baubles’
With one or two of these in his mouth, Dad won’t be tempted to interrupt with another of his terrible jokes. Grandma won’t believe the taste sensation going down her throat. Mum can use the leftovers to throw at unsuspecting cold-callers trying their luck around the festive period.
‘Pork Baubles’
Don’t bother with another tiresome turkey, keep your dull as damp donuts gammon in the freezer and don’t even turn the oven on if all you’re going to do is try to feed me parsnips again. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Pork Baubles.
‘Pork Baubles’ ‘Pork Baubles’ ‘Pork Baubles’ ‘Pork Baubles’
Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and Christmas decoration aisles at all good local supermarkets.
18 comments on “December Done Right”
I’m not sure I want sweaty meat spheres on my tree. Won’t they just look like dismembered balls? That’s not very Christmassy.
You may not be the target marget (market). They are mainly for people who like meat and Christmas, and clearly you’re not a fan of either.
I like meat and I like Christmas. What I don’t like, in either my meat products or my Christmas decorations, is anything described in promotional material as “sweaty”.
If they were called ‘Paubles’ or ‘Porkbles’ instead would you change your mind?
Depends. Would they still be marketed using the word “sweaty”?
Yes. The sweatiness is a big part of the marketing campaign.
It’s Christmas Day now; I hope you bought plenty of Pork Baubles and they’re hanging around the flat, possibly also out on the balcony. Maybe some cradled in the chairs.
I think I’ve been pretty clear that I’m not buying any of your sweaty orbs, or “sworbs”. Nothing would have ruined Christmas faster.
I think we all know that, given half a bottle of Jack Daniels, I could have ruined Christmas faster than my sworbs. I’ve got the world record for ruining things.
Last night Reuben almost broke my record by sticking his fingers in my cake, the swine!
That’s a simply unacceptable level of cake abuse. Please forward him my congratulations.
It’s his birthday. Everything is a win today. I’m gonna fist his birthday cake when I have a chance. That’d give him what for (what?).
Too right. If your fists haven’t had party time in his cake before the day’s out, there’s no justice.
I forgot. You know what? He cut the cake so weird that it threw me. Rather than into slices, he cut out a “cake sector”, which was on the edge but square, for himself and left the rest for everyone else.
I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. I’m pretty sure the right thing to do is get the rozzers to come round to his gaff and deck him.
He’s fifteen now, it’s bound to happen. I’m gonna get on the blower nah and send the rozzers in the marra. That’ll show him.
Certainly will. He’ll regret ever turning fifteen when that happens. He’ll be straight back to fourteen before you can say “this whole thing makes no sense”.
Yeah. Wait, what?
Also, I have a few pork baubles leftover from Christmas. I am going to try and re-brand them for the February / March / Easter market.
If it’s for Easter you could call them “sweaty meat eggs”. That’ll pull in the punters.
You’re a marketing genius. Stand by for my advertising campaign!